The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hi I hope you don't mind my asking this here. I go on this and other 12 step forums. I recently, through step 4, found out I have some codependant issues especially around my sibling family. I read Melody Beattie and go on a coda site. Its interesting to go through the early steps with them. My main focus is Alanon though. I think I feel similar to being a Catholic and dipping into Baptist discussions if that make sense.
My question is I've just been asked to be a Coda sponsor !!!!! and take someone through step 4 on line !!!!!
Is this even possible and would you suggest its ok to do it? Would it create confusion for the other person as my real knowledge is of Alanon and not coda. I don't even have the accepted liturature, although I think she may have.
What do you think?
I am just completing my step 4 with a sponsor from my local area. I don't think its possible for this coda woman to get to any face to face meetings.
When I first got into the program i had a group of friends and we would hash out the steps at the local diner. We could raise a huff and out objections, express our confusions, share our incites and generally helped each other the best we could. We were friends that honestly cared for each other but the plain truth is that none of us really knew what we were doing. If one went down the wrong path, four of us went down together. :) This same beginners humility allowed us to admit our mistakes easoer than in meetings or to our sponsors.
I don't think I could have worked the first 4 steps without these people in my life but. They wer not my sponsor. We were the blind leading the blind and often we nearly guided each other into the ditch. :) You can't give away what you don't have. You say you are short on experience and literature and your strength and hope is in Alanon.
One other thing. I went through a little coda theory. Isn't it a trait for someone to try to trust the wrong person for the wrong reasons. Could this be just another attempt by that person to find the wrong person to fix them. I don't have the lingo for this but the bigger favor might be to redirect to someone with more experience. Thats what my own sponsor does with me.
One of the first of many things I learned in my f2f meetings was that if I am faced with a situation that I am not sure of what to do and have to question do I do this or do I do that then the answer to my question is a resounding "NO" to all of my questions.
If the answer were a yes then I would not have questioned myself about it to begin with. Questioning myself shows me that I am not confident that I can do whatever it is that is being asked of me.
Also before I can help anyone work any of the steps I feel that I must have worked all of them myself; without the experience of working the steps I cannot lead anyone through them. Like you said it's like the blind leading the blind and that is not a safe road to be on.
__________________
Everything I have ever let go of has claw marks all over it.
You both make such good points. I think the local diner idea is maybe a good one and just to have step 4 discussions while encouraging her to find a face to face experienced sponsor
Questioning myself shows I'm not confident...yes your right I was wondering if I was giving in to procrastination
Could this be just another attempt by that person to find the wrong person to fix them. This is a REALLY interesting point and one I really hadn't considered. I would hate to hold back her recovery. I suppose this is why mixing programs can become confusing
Thanks for the display of courage and humility. And reaching out to the old- timers is like reaching into a gold mine. I am one and love listening to them still. Powerful simple responses to your question.
The phrase self confidence vs self questioning came back and the hammer hit the nail right on the head. I believe that self questioning is a must no matter how long I have been in recovery...because so many of my motives are sub- conscious as is my past errors in judgement.
I heard honesty and humility in the responses here and for me those two must be habitual and not second guessed. I must be honest about what I can and cannot and will or willnot do. Often times my pride/self confidence/ego gets me into situations that are beyond what I should do. My sponsor once acknowledged to me that I had a certain ability and talent to do a certain thing, "but" he said, "should you?" Honesty tells me that I should not considering all of the information and considering who it is I am working with and the possible outcome had I not been deeply honest with them and myself.
I have never heard a perfect way of working this program and the steps and never have heard of working a program I don't know anything about. Tug described the "blind leading the blind." Considering that we have three choices to the disease of alcoholism, serenity, insanity or death and that goes for the other person also the best way to love them is to say no and let them go back to a loving HP who will continue to direct them.
I believe that sponsorship on the net can work and work well. I don't believe that it is effective as face to face. I believe that up to a point...a man can sponsor a female and the opposite however I know what my point is and I don't go beyond it period. I have sponsored females in the past up to a certain point and with definite boundaries. At that boundary I will stop and they will go on in a manner from their own choices. If all of the other require- ments remain equal...the person has literature and read it; the person has a clear understanding of the program and the steps; the person is qualified for the program; the person has the ability to be honest and is willing to do what ever is necessary to gain and maintain their peace of mind and serenity and the person understands the unique relationship in recovery...it is possible. It is much more possible if both individuals have individual concrete relationships and understandings of their own Higher Powers.
Stick around, get some time, keep reaching out and of course keep sharing what you learned with others.
Thank you Jerry Self confidence vs self questioning is something I'm finding difficult to separate. I looked up procrastination last night in a melody beetie book. It says procrastination- not acting when the time is right - is self defeating behaviour. It produces anxiety, guilt, disharmony, and a nagging consciousness of the task that life is telling us it is time to do. We are not always procrastinating when we put off doing something. Sometimes doing a thing before the time is right can be as self defeating as waiting too long.
That told me last night that if I am not taking on sponsorship for Alanon yet, which is where my real experience strength and hope lies, then how could I take on sponsorship for coda, which I have only been dipping into to help me deal with my Mothers constant critisisms and sibling comparisons, which have lead to my feeling of being less than.
I think you're right. I COULD take her through the steps as I know them but the question is SHOULD I.
I am aware of how difficult it can be to find and attend face to face meetings, which is why I considered it. I found Alanon 10 years ago. It took another 5 years to attend and work it. Maybe this girl is really not ready and the on line option is an easy one I don't know. Not my judgement.
I can chat to her but she has to find her own path to real recovery?
I fight against judging people and accept what they say because of my up bringing I think and because i am not believed. ( my husband is not an alcoholic and I do not suffer from Chronic Fatigue Syndrome....apparently). This is the root of my co dependency. I learned that through my Alanon step 4.
It struck hard with me that this person maybe trying to attract the wrong person to fix her...... I can't fix anyone. I have to keep the focus on me to keep my own recovery going
Coda is a hard group to be in fully I think
Its thrown up some interesting questions though. I emailed her and said I can chat about step 4 but it would be good if she could look for a Coda sponsor. Its confusing mixing the groups and I could do her more harm than good. Quite an honour to be asked though
