The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Many of you who know me have heard me say that my AH was 20 years sober, and started drinking again just last year.
Until just today, I believed that to be true. I never knew how much my AH was drinking all along. He has never been sober at all, I just was totally unaware that he had been drinking at work almost every single day for over 35 years now. I am just more aware of it now, because he is retired.
I have been asking my HP to help me cope with this knowledge, without making any judgements one way or another. I haven't even said anything to my AH about my revelation.
I would appreciate any ESH from all of you.
Thanks,
Claudia
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A person's a person no matter how small --Dr Suess
Dunno.... does it really change anything?? I mean, if he took 20 years off and is now drinking again, or if he drank all along for those 20 years, is it REALLY any different for the reality that you (and he) face today??
All of us have been "duped" by our A's in one way or another, over time....
"He's either gonna drink of he won't... what are YOU gonna do?"
Take care of you...
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
When I got confirmation to my suspicion that my AH was back to his drinking (only by my asking him, because he wasn't doing it in my presence), I first came here, and then when I was still feeling pretty freaked out by it, I called my sponsor. Unfortunately she wasn't available, so I just left her a little "freak out" message, but I told her, "I'm going to meditate and pray now." And that's what I did. I sat down and prayed to my HP and got really quiet and still and meditated.
I was agonizing over being unhappy again with the knowledge I had and then I had this voice come into my head that was so powerful I thought I was going to be knocked over. It said "Nobody gets to define who I AM."
Now, maybe for some reading that's a big "HUH?", but for me, it made complete sense. I AM the only person who gets to define how happy I am in my life. I was starting to throw the definition of my happiness back into my AH's lap that night when I got confirmation he was drinking again.
You know... because he's drinking, I'll be unhappy.
What a bunch of malarkey!!
His drinking has absolutely NOTHING whatsoever to do with my personal happiness and serenity. I'm the one who calls the shots on whether I get to be happy or not.
So, that was great, for sure.
My sponsor called me back the following morning and we had a great, long chat, too.
But yeah - you've got Al-Anon tools - the steps and traditions. Now sounds like a brilliant time to work them. It certainly helped me. Stopped me from going down that path of worry, obsession and despair.
You ever heard that saying "What y' don't know about, won't hurt y'!".
Well, I am wondering how you lived during those years that you THOUGHT your husband was NOT drinking.
If you were getting on with your life and enjoying it, then carry on doing just that now...nothing in you changed except what you thought you knew! Now you know what you thought you knew was in fact not true...however you can carry on being that serene person even with the truth you know now, and the fact that you have been using al-anon tools too at this point should help you all the more to keep that serenity that you had before you knew he was in fact drinking all the time.
Hope you get my meaning here Cookie. Love you lots and will be keeping you in my prayers as always.
Suzannah
-- Edited by Suzannah at 05:09, 2008-04-20
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Out of the ruin of my past I have found the fortress of myself and I know how to defend it.
Strive for WISDOM; Seek SERENITY; NEVER compromise your INTEGRITY.
The past is what it is, the past. You can't change it. Is it sad? Yes. But we all know addicts lie to us all the time and that's part of their disease. Dwelling on the past only creates sorrow, anger and all those other ugly emotions. What's the point? I don't want to live like that.
It doesn't really matter in the grand picture. It won't change my recovery plans. It won't change how I feel about him. I have too much on my plate to worry about what happened back then. I have to focus on the present.
If you are having trouble letting it go, may I suggest you write it on a piece of paper. Include everything you are feeling about it. Then either tear it up, burn it in the fire place or flush it away forever. I have done that and it has been very liberating. Much love and blessings to you and your family. Enjoy your Sunday.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
From where I am sitting, cookie, I can say...so what! I mean, ofcourse he was drinking all along, alcoholics don't just drink alcohol, they lie. So, stands to reason that he would be lying about,well, everything. I mean, if his lips were moving that is. That is what I could say from where I sit.
But, I remember so well the day I realized (put the pieces together) that my AH hadn't been sober all of the times I thought he was. All of the times he and I celebrated his sobriety, spoke program with one another, I left the kids with him, confident that he was clean. All lies. And it really made me feel dizzy. The truth! I was mad, and hurt and MAD!!! Any little illusion of trust I had was gone. I mean, it was one thing when I KNEW he was using and there were times when I knew. But the times that I believed he wasn't, he led me to believe he wasn't, I thought I could trust him about THAT!!!
It is an awful place to find yourself in. I am sorry you have had yet another layer of denile lifted. I sometimes want to wrap myself back up in all of my denile and scream" leave me alone " at the truth. But that hasn't worked for me yet either. You are here, you are loved and you will get thru this. I think this knowledge does change things. Being lied to changes a realtionship. Time is what has helped ease my anger. And detachment and acceptence. This too shall pass....
I haven't had to deal with this (I dont think! Who knows what was really happening all those years) but I have found out that other things that I thought were true were in fact not. And, yes, although it hurts, and takes some getting used to, really it does not matter. The focus, always, has to be on you, not on the actions of the other person.
Thing is, if you were telling yourself, all those years "He's so hard to live with, I'm not really happy, but at least he's sober ..." (or "at least he's faithful" or some other thing that has to be taken on trust) then there is going to be some sense of betrayal. However, the problem would have been not his actions, but your basing your happiness on them, rather than on your own actions. If you can say, about those years, "I was living a life that was good for me, and I was happy" then what he did was irrelevant. If, however, you were basing your happiness on the lie, then this is a signal not to do that in future.
And there it is in a nutshell. We can't base our happiness on them, sober or not. Happiness is an inside job. It is not fair to put the responsibility for our happiness on anyone else. Nobody can make us happy but us, even if they are truely sober.
It hurts when we find out that they have been lying yet again, but for me it had a lot to do with fear that I was not able to take care of me. The responsibility for my own happiness and security seemed too big. (Took a long time to realise this.)
Being betrayed hurts, no way around that. A's are masters of deceiving us and themselves. The only relief I have found from the pain is working my program.
In recovery,
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~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
Thanks for all of your input. It helps to know that others understand.
This knowledge doesn't really change anything, because even if he had been sober all those years, he is drinking now so whats the difference. The only thing I wish I could change about it is that I wish I had had the AlAnon tools all these years.
I do need to care about me, about what I'm going to do with my life. I am glad that I haven't shared my revelation with my AH, it would serve no good purpose, and I can see that it would only hinder my recovery as well.
Thanks again to all of you.
Love,
Claudia
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A person's a person no matter how small --Dr Suess
Easy does it. I know for me the A's lies piled all on top of each other. For me the issue was and still is how do I manage my rage. I can still feel duped and put upon by an alcoholic. I have to look at my expectations. I expect very very very little now from an active or a recovering alcoholic.
for some of them recovery takes on a very different meaning.
