The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My husband called last night. We haven't been good at communicating lately. Maybe I am the one unable to communicate...anyway, I told him I need more time. I need for us to live apart when he is released from DOC. He reponded with "I understand you're going through things, I am trying to understandwhere you're at". He wanted me to commit to letting him return home after his release. He said after 11 years of marriage I owe him a place to come home to. That if he doesn't have an address and a phone he will be sent to a half-way house.
This is very hard for me. He hasn't been drinking in 3 years. But, his "sobriety" has been supplemented by Suboxone (opiate replacement) has on occassion further supplemented with (my unused prescription for severe anxiety attacks) Xanax and marijuana... Not too mention, he, for whatever reason, thinks he is above the law. He will drive. He will continue to break the law. If caught, he could spend 10 years in prison and receive a $50,000 fine. Do consequences stop him? Nope.
He is neither physically nor verbally abusive when not drinking. His area of expertise is "Jedi mind tricks". He makes me crazy. I got off the phone feeling bad for telling him I need to have some time (without interaction with him) to work on me. After talking with him I felt like a financial idiot, a bad mother, a mean person... When I don't talk to him, I feel pretty good about things, I feel like I am getting healthy. Today, I am so depressed.
I want to face our marriage, our family, our life, with HONESTY. I don't want to make it sound worse than it is or make it out to be better than it is. For years, I have smiled on the outside while seething and scared too death on the inside.
I am so grateful for those of you who post on this board... I am learning so much. Thank you!
You OWE him?!?! I'm sorry, where is he currently and how did he get there?!?! And where is his remorse for the pain, humiliation and chaos he has brought upon YOU in the past 11 years???? That he even has the NERVE to say something so bizzare would be a HUGE red flag to walk away. Just walk away from the naked guy standing in the middle of the street admiring his beautiful robes
I read recently that using physical abuse against a person sets up the person to be suseptible to emotional/verbal abuse and there by no more real need to physically abuse to control. They just abuse in a different way but if they have been physical in the past, they don't need to constantly be physical because the victim is already scared or controlled by the memory of when the abuser WAS physical.
What you AH is doing is controlling you and that in itself is abusive.Take a look at what he is saying to you and what his motives are. Just because he hasn't hit you in a while doesn't mean he never did. He has the potential to abuse you and IMO he is currently abusing you. He sounds unconcerned about you, your thoughts or your feelings. He sounds if all he wants is what he will be comfortable with. Don't we all? Don't I wish I didn't have to face all of my consequences, just the ones I CHOOSE to face and make someone else take care of the rest!
I guess this program has opened my eyes to what was really going on in my relationship and since my eyes have been opened I haven't been able to deny the reality. This program has given me strength and these people with their honesty and love have given me courage. Have courage, love yourself more than you love him.
yeah, I know about Jedi mind tricks, too. I am really sorry that you have to deal with that. Its so weird and deeply painful. Its so hard to put your finger on. Its completely crazy making.
You have a program and you have tools. My response would be to look at what kinds of boundaries I need to remain serene. The alcoholic (dry or drunk) is a master manipulator. You need to love you more than him. Put an arm around yourself, hold yourself and be good to yourself. Go to meetings, work your program, call program friends, connect with people who are program program program. Reason it out.
I agree with so much of what seren wrote. I totally know that feeling of being a financial idiot, etc. etc. after being on the phone with him. I had the same dynamic with my AH. We are separated and THANK GOD I LEFT. It took me over 2 years to heal from that constant berating, criticism, accusations, etc. It was literally killing me. Put YOU first. Take care of yourself because NO ONE ELSE WILL. its just you and HP and that is all you need, really. Hugs and lots of love, J.
I burst out laughing at the statement "....I need to understand where you're at". Great example of denial of the entire picture. It isn't clear to him yet what the state is saying, the courts are saying and what his spouse is saying? I stopped at the word understand...period. I was clueless; didn't know and didn't know that I didn't know...I need to understand and understanding came from working this program; going to lots of meetings, sitting and listening, learning the steps and traditions and getting a sponsor and practicing practicing practicing. Most Importantly I needed to get a Power greater than my own ego and pride. At first that sounded like the world's greatest trick yet the trick to the trick was total surrender with humility and honesty.
Your job? Same thing; meetings, literature (CAL), steps, sponsor, traditions and Higher Power.
If you do what your past is telling you to do and your fear is telling you; you will get more of the same and you don't like that.
Do the opposite of what you have usually done and get the opposite affect.
If talking with him mixes you up so much? Do the opposite...Don't talk to him. If you are fearful at not talking to him talk to his program manager and get a sponsor.
Let go and Let God and keep coming back. (((((hugs)))))
I see you really wanting to take care of you,wanting to feel out your inside calling.
Addicts diseases tend to take over and our stuff gets pushed away. There is nothing wrong with anyone saying, I need a time out.
When our spouses get themselves into these situations, they need to go through every crummy minute of it. It is sad but true.
Well good he has a halfway house to go to. Some get out and live in the street, shelters etc.
Even our loved ones can be toxic to us. It is sad. In my experience I did so much better, staying away from them.
In my experience of going back to college, living with just me, bought my own home, had my own vehicles. I found out who I was. what I wanted.
Now living with out AH completely, I am learning how to be alive in life.Not always easy. As I am alone way too much.
Anyway I also wanted to say, our bodies don't know the difference from Heroin, xanax,meth,alcohol. The A is an A not in recovery, no matter what they use.
Alcohol going into the body, after time,looks the same phsiologically in the body. A researcher did a project of autopsies on people who were found dead in the streets,shelters.She was shocked to see so many were on Heroin,in truth she found out that alcohol use was exactly like heroin use to the body.
The disease is so horrible. I hope you get a chance to look at you. You seem so very special.love, debilyn
