The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I was realizing today that I live an oxymoron. I'm constantly wanting to control the world around me, but when the world asks "okay, what do you want to do?" I'm standing there shuffling my feet, looking down murmuring "I dunno... what do YOU want to do?"
Discovered that today with my AH. We went for a morning bike ride, and while we're getting ready to leave, I'm asking my AH "Where should we go?" and he's like "don't care", so then I'm in that little frustration zone of thinking "great, now I have to decide." We went back and forth with the whole "where to" discussion when I finally just told myself, ugh - make up your mind!
I find that conversations between my AH and I often lead us down the road of neither one of us wanting to be the one to make the final decision in things, from major choices all the way down to simple things like where to go eat or what movie to go watch.
I think it stems from a place of not wanting to make a bad decision, so we try to leave it up to someone else to make the decision for us (and, conveniently, if the decision turns out to be bad, it's the OTHER person's fault, not ours!)
But I was thinking about it and thinking just how freaking funny it sounds that a controlling person like me doesn't like to make decisions.
Huh? Wouldn't control mean I'm always knowing exactly what I want in addition to what I want of others, or is it only that I know what I want FROM others but not OF myself?
Aaaah... the clarity I get from a nice bike ride.
If you're reading, Jerry - are you going to the Big Island Bash next weekend?
Know what you mean I am great at controlling my A and his life but carn,t make my own mind up regarding my relationship with him and what is good for me. I am a total control freak regarding his behaviours but when people give me advice I don't like it , if it isnt what I want to hear
The devil's in the details, Aloha!! Sometimes just deciding between chocolate or vanilla just throws us for a loop!!!
I get so exhausted from making the "big decisions" all day long, that when it comes time to decide what I'm cooking for dinner - I just try to avoid it - and end up asking others what they want to eat. (yeh...I'll let go of the control for things that have little consequence if the "wrong" decision is made). And sometimes deep down - I just don't want to have to make all the decisions. Sometimes I secretly want someone to just TAKE CARE OF ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (is that wrong?) :)
I have no problem making big decisions at work, I am most definitely very decisive there. When it comes to the home front, I can really relate to the indecisiveness you speak of.
In my own case, I attribute it to having lived with this disease most of my life. Whenever I'm dealing with the A's in my life I've seldom been sure what the right decision is. A good deal of the time, I have found out later that I've made the wrong decision.
The more I immerse myself in the program though, I am beginning to have a little confidence that I am able to make some good decisions. As I trust in my HP to show me the way, I can see that I have much better judgement, whenever I do make a decision.
Take Care,
Claudia
__________________
A person's a person no matter how small --Dr Suess
For me, it's usually not really fear of making the worng decision, but dislike of the negative feedback if the other person doesn't like it. I always can decide what *I* want to eat, where I want to go, what movie I want to watch ... the part I don't like is someone else saying "Why'd you do that?"
Soon after my husband died, my coffeemaker broke so I had to get a new one. I was in no mood for careful shopping, so just went into walmart and picked up the first one I saw that was the right size. I don't really like it very much - it's not that well designed, and the pot drips a bit. However, it's not that bad, either - still gets the job done just fine.
A few days after I bought it, I realized something - nobody is going to give me a hard time about getting a bad coffeemaker. I'm the only person who uses it, if it's OK for me, then it's OK - there is no longer a hard-to-please person judging everything I do. This was hard - I still miss him so much, and would happily put up with his judging if he could still be alive. However, it IS nice not to have to worry about that any more.
Just another of the ambivalent and complicated emotions that come from loving a person with a disease.
