The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
my stomache is churning my partner has disapeared again I try as hard as I can to keep myself busy and the focus on myself But he slept with someone else in Novemeber on one of his benders everytime he goes missing I am in turmoil I have probs with his drinking and how he lives his life but I can get past most of this However disappearing after what he has done is not acceptable but he keeps on doing it I don,t speak to him for a while he hides because he feels guilty as he has broken all his promises again Then he slowly chips away at me telling me he loves etc in the end I love him and cycle starts then he goes missing again he hasn,t gone missing for 5 months since he was unfaithful but past three weeks hes started doing it again See he has promised it will never happen again but how can I trust him when he always breaks his promises and he gets himself in a state where he doesnt even know what he is doing. so its hard for me to keep focus on myself after what has happened
Well, it seems he isn't going to change what he is doing and you are going 'round and 'round the same mountain with the same result.
How about setting some boundaries for yourself with firm consequences? What are you willing to put up with? How much will you put up with and how many times? What are you willing to do to not have to feel this way due to what he does?
I know these are hard questions to answer. None of us wants to admit the BS we willingly put up with. Even harder to follow through with the consequences. But this is how we change things, by changing ourselves and drawing a line in the sand. Know these will be YOUR boundaries, not ultimatums for him. He's going to do what he 's going to do. What are you going to do?
keep coming back Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
I didn't like being there either and I tried to stay and wait it out hoping she would have a real Aha!! my drinking and behavior are causing problems and I need to stop and seek recovery for myself and the rest of the family...and it didn't happen not while I was there.
I learned that what goes around goes around again like a merry go round and I needed to get off the merry go round cause by that time I was nauseated just thinking of it. I even learned to hate merry go round music. What goes around also comes around and I kept getting what it was that I didn't want because I wasn't working at getting what I wanted. I wanted her to give me what I wanted and she couldn't. She was too sick and I was also sick and getting sicker from some of the stuff she was bringing home with her and that included sexual maladys. That one should wake you up. You get to sleep, well actually it isn't sleeping but something else right? with who he is ....ing with also and you don't even get to know or like the person.
Expecting normal things from within an alcoholic relationship is abnormal. You can't get health from sickness, you can't get normal from abnormal and you can't get God to do a miracle for you cause the alcoholic won't stand still for it.
The reality of it all was and still is, "If nothing changes....nothing changes." You don't need permission to move your life into more peace of mind and serenity. You don't need permission to change toward the better not from the alcoholic or anyone else either. We in the Family Groups won't give you permission because we know it's your choice and you don't need permission to make better choices. If you're having problems with that here is another side of addiction. Consider your addiction to him. His drinking helps him get into illness. Your compulsion to have him helps get you into illness.
You can stop and change anytime. You don't need to leave him a note about where, when, why, how and anything else. He's missing...everything and you don't have to wait for his boat to sail back into port. You don't even know if he is on a boat.
We are here to support you and share what it was like for us, what we found out since coming here and what we do now. From that you get to read, consider what it is you may be able to use and leave the rest for later maybe. If you attempt to do a change that someone on passes on to you that helped them change for the better...your out comes will change and you will be happier. He may or may not be back by then...he will be late. He can start making his own changes whenever he decides. He doesn't get to decide when you make yours.
It is perfectly natural for your tummy to be upset. After awhile in alanon you will get the tools and use them, then it will not be so bad.
I invite you to try this,when ya breath in deep breaths,lift your abdomen. drop your elbows, unclench your teeth. concentrate on you and let go of the tension.
It hit me hard when I realized I could only change me. It really was a biggy. I got where I as just glad when he was home.
I tell ya though,for me, cheating would have killed it then and there.
I agree with others.Boundaries and consequences are very key. Sometimes we have to stand up for ourselves and not allow this "unacceptable behavior."
Hope you can get to our meetings here. love,debilyn
