Going to meetings, having a sponsor, and working the 12 steps are a tremendous help for me. They taught me to focus on self, and to quit focusing on the A.

Trying to control others was like second nature to me; I didn't even have to think about it because I just did it.

For me, dysfuctional relationships were normal. That was my comfort zone.

I do ask God for help, but I need to follow that with action. It takes time and a lot of practice to 'deprogram' those learned behaviors like controlling.

Any new behavior comes with discomfort when I am trying to change. I just have to remember that the discomfort is only temporary, and that this too shall pass if I practice these principles in all my affairs.

I completely understand where you are coming from, but I don't have an easy solution. It takes work!

(((((hugs)))))

acjmom,

Ugh!  did you ever bring back some memories!
I couldn't get out of that control mode for the longest time.  I think what finally happened for me was more like a childish shift.
I finally had enough and thought "from now on I'm going to build on my life and he can destroy his if he chooses."  (whichhe almost literally did).
My first mission was to quit being lonely.  I focused more on things I wanted to do and friends that made me laugh.  I quit "waiting" for him to come home or wake up.  Sometimes he'd walk in the door after being at the bar all day and I'd be walking out to have dinner with my friend.  I quit worrying if he ate or not.  I quit worrying if he was going to make it home at all.  Not my job!!
As my daughter says "I am NOT the one".
As was said, meetings are important.  They not only give you ESH but a place to go.  Friends are important.  You don't have to discuss what is happening at home.  I used to leave it there and just do my best to have a good time.  I made a few good frinds in Alanon meetings that were just as sick of thinking about home life as I was, so we agreed to only have fun and not discuss "them".
When we focus on them, that's when the control issues come in to play.  Then we drive ourselves nuts trying to change those things that refuse to change.  It's like repeatedly trying to run through a brick wall.  We back up and ram it again and again.  The wall is never going to give and we just end up exhausted and bruised.
It'd probably be a good idea to change direction.

tc
Christy

You described the efforts to control very well in that the harder YOU fight something, the harder it resists.

I've been saying this a lot lately - when I'm caught in a confrontation with my AH, I'm learning to take the path of least resistance - and that's through ME, not my AH. I can give myself permission to drop the fighting or worry or obsession and just move on with my day instead of waiting for my AH to "get it" and drop it for me/us.

It's scary releasing that need to control - after all, you're only doing it because you care for the A, right? You just want to see him healthy and happy. I don't think there's anything wrong with wishing for the people we love in our lives to be happy and healthy - but how on earth are we contributing to their being able to be happy by badgering them all the time?

It's amazing when we figure out how to be happy for ourselves that we can then look at our A's and realize "Hey! They, too, have the ability to make themselves happy and healthy. But it's up to them to do it, just like it was up to us to make ourselves happy."

This control stuff isn't an easy thing to let go. Many of us grew up in alcoholic families so we learned these survival tactics early on.

I heard a great analogy at my Thursday night meeting. One member equated her trying to find her happiness through her AH with throwing a bucket into an empty well and expecting it to come back full of water. She'd keep throwing that bucket in and get mad when it would come back empty each time. Finally, she realized she needed to find another source for her happiness, and found that full well in her Al-anon meetings, other friends who were always willing to share laughter and love, and, most importantly, through herself.

Doesn't mean her AH is a useless empty well, though. He has his own contributions he can offer to the relationship, but in the well analogy, water just isn't one of those things he can provide. (I laughed when she said, "Well, if I'm looking for rocks or sand or dirt, he's got plenty of that!")

I liked it a lot, because I'm realizing, too, that my AH just isn't the person for me to go for when I'm looking for certain types of love. He's just not capable of expressing what I'm looking for. But my Al-anon friends, other family members and a lot of my non-Al-anon friends are great sources for that love and comfort.

Doesn't mean my AH is useless, either. He knows how to make me laugh, he can be affectionate on other levels, and can even be helpful sometimes. A lot of the time his disease gets in the way of his being capable of doing those sort of things, but when his disease isn't looking, surprise! AH just made me laugh! :)

I forgot where I was going with this.

In any case, it's great that you're here. I recommend getting to some more face to face meetings in the next few days - I can guarantee you'll hear something that just makes it all "click" for you more and more. And, if you don't have a sponsor, may I suggest you start looking for one? Sponsors are great as they're someone who you know you can talk to just about every single day if necessary. They're there to call when you're happy and when you're in a crises. Another mind to give you some levity before you run off and make rash decisions.

Keep coming back!

Acjmom...Aloha!!

Isn't that part of the insanity we go thru?  She's not here I am sad and lonely and waiting.   She's here and I am angry and still lonely and waiting.  I ask her to leave and I want her to stay.   "MAKE ME HAPPY DAMMIT!!" I want to scream and she leaves to go drink.  She's gone for days or she's gone over night and
when I open up the front door to leave for work in the morning she falls into the livingroom floor drunk.  I can figure it out and think I can if everyone gets quiet, lets me think and then follows thru on what I come up with.

I never knew that happiness was an inside job until a 16 year old Alateen clued me in.   AHA!! my head said.  "I miss her my compulsive heart replied."  It wasn't about love on my part it was about addiction.  

Why did I do what I did that got me what it was that I got?  I had to come here to find that out so I could change me...only me and then go on and have a reasonably happy and sane existence.

I could have waited forever without a gaurantee of the outcome or I could do for myself what was sane and reasonable with a reasonable expectation that
my life would become what I wanted it to be.

You can't fix what doesn't want to be fixed or doesn't agree to being broke.

We are powerless over alcoholism and our lives have become unmanagable. (the 1st step of the Al-Anon Family Groups program.)

Keep coming back (((((hugs))))).