The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Just checking in. Work sucks. Too dysfunctional. I keep giving, giving, giving and the dysfunciton just kills my spirit. Everyone out for themselves and the power is in the hands of idiots (my opinion). So I come home. I told myself that I would look at the divorce papers that my AHSober gave to me a couple of weeks ago. Of course, it was after a happy family function. I pulled out a Suze Orman book and read the section about divorce - if you are the one left behind. It just hurt to read those words that we had agreed to dissolve this marriage because of incompatibility. It is just so sad for me. I don't understand why it is so onesided. Why do I shed one tear for someone who treats me like this? Well, I asked for a sign from my HP. What do I do? I plan to follow Suze O's advice on taking my time and checking those things off the list - legal stuff. I have no experience with divorce. No one in my family has ever divorced. Thru thick and thin - crappola and we all just hang in there. I can't stop the divorce. I can't make my pain go away. I can start seriously looking for another job. This is the first day that I ever really felt like getting out of here because it just isn't safe for me. Whew, not a great day for me.
Brings back memories and those memories also include program growth that took me out of the crappola. I learned and then accepted that it's all about choices. Where I find my self, mind, body, spirit and emotions is about how I have chosen and I am dealing with the consequences of those choices. I didn't like hearing it and I thought I was different...but I wasn't and when I started paying attention to my sponsor(s) and others who were having a better time of it and practice, practice, practiced as much as I could; down days have to take me by surprise to get me down and then not for long anymore.
This too will pass...God doesn't make junk...and you're worthy of happiness.
Hi! I am sorry to hear that you are going thru divorce.
I was married for ten years and one thing that made a huge difference for me was at the end of it we went to marriage councelling and I was asked to make a list of what qualities I wanted in a partner. It was interesting because it was not an assignment to write what I liked or disliked about the husband I had. After I was done I read over my list of 52 items and I really understood that I was the one being crazy. My husband was just not the man I wanted as a partner. There was nothing wrong with who he was at all- but who he was did not match who I really wanted. So I left. I just stopped suffering. I finally got present to the fact that what was real was he was who he was. And for me what was real was I wanted a partner with some qualities that he did not have. It was unreasonable of me to keep creating pain for all involved.
I got divorced and God sent the man who matched all 52 items and had things about him that I did not even know I wanted - like being a cheerleader for me- I would have never written that down and man do I love it. My 53 item guy is a ten year sober very recovered man. I am proud to be with a man who contributes to the world thru his service to others. I am hear becuase I am beginning to display some very coda /alanon behaviours so I want to get that cleaned up. Also our lives are very stressful and at times I forget he is an A... =) I know it sounds funny- but I sorta forget that it is the "thinking not the drinking" =)
Anyway I am not sure if it would help you or not to think about what you would want in a partner for your life but since it made a big differeence for me and my sense of peace about completing the relationship- I thought I would mention it.
I empathize with you! I am very familiar with the attitude of "just hang in there", despite being treated like crap. Just the other day, I came to the realization that perhaps things needed to get "this bad" in order for me to finally let go. For the past couple of years, it has been as if I have been hanging onto my AH's pantleg while he has been dragging me through rocks, mud, burrs... all while shaking his leg and telling me to just let go. Man, if I could persevere through all that, where would I be right now if he was actually nice to me through the process?
We don't have much divorce experience in our family either. There was one on my side and one on my AH, but they were early in the marriage and relatively simple. Even though I have a good attorney, I feel paralyzed and as if I face an impossible situation. We are emeshed in every detail of our lives, and it all looks never ending and so gloomy. Uggghh!
Continue to look to your HP for answers. I think stepping out and looking for a new job, something entirely independent of your AH and that would make you happy, would be empowering for you! I have discovered over and over again that when I am willing to step out and do what is right for me,even if it is uncomfortable, that God never lets me down.
Blessings, Lou
-- Edited by Loupiness at 10:10, 2008-04-18
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
Sometimes it doesn't rain but it pours. For the record I'm one year out from splitting in a relationship. I've had two not so great jobs since then but I hold onto them until something better comes along. You can make goals of what you need to do and not be swamped by paralysis.
I think its wise to know you need guidance and help during a transition time. I work the transition every day through step 1,2,3 and a sponsor who understands.
