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I posted in the past about my A being in DOC (special program for felonly DUI - DOC Rehab). I mentioned that he had asked what he could do to improve our relationship and I said to "obey the parameters of probation"...he was supposed to come home April 24, but they petitioned to keep him longer (rule breaking, insolance, issues with me) and he will be there until end of May.
If he can't even follow the rules as a ward of the DOC he certainly is not going to observe his probation. We live in a very isolated area and he could violate his terms in a multitude of ways (driving...) without anyone knowing. I told him I can't live with the "limit pushing" anymore...
He does not drink. Hasn't in 3 years. But, there are soooo many issues... so many behaviors...
I have been attending Al-Anon for 6 weeks now. I have a sponsor. I needmore time. I am thinking of filing for a legal separation before his time with DOC is up... my sponsor also has prompted me to think of additionally filing for a restraining order...has the relationship been abusive? Yes, but that was years ago when he was drinking heavily and before I learned to shut up...however, being completely honest...if I legally spearate from him...I don't know what he will do. Does it scare me? A little... I have a lot of conflicting feelings right now. All I know is that today I can't bear the thought of trying to deal with him on a daily basis.
Yes, my thought is trust your gut. If you are not ready, you're not ready. The most dangerous time for a woman is when getting out of a relationship. Protect yourself first.
Well it might be hard to get a restraining order if there is no recent violence. A DUI issue may work but generally there has to be violence. Why not tell him you don't want him to come back yet.
Generally someone who has a DUI doesn't get to drive anymore.
I had many similar issues with the A who I was with. One of the last straws for me was that he did a hit and run. That went to trial and I guess he got off with a fine. He had huge huge huge tickets for speeding every year. I got really really really super tired of it.
6 weeks is not long in alanon. I am here 3/4 years and I am just getting the hang of a lot of it, especially detachment. I am just beginning to have self preservation issues.
I am sure some battered womens agency can go over with you your options. That doesn't mean you need to go into a shelter or anything but they can go over the legal options for you.
We have all been in these really awful hard spaces. Why not post often to seek support and feedback.
It helps me to remember that I don't HAVE to make a decision NOW when my brain asks me "should I or shouldn't I?"
Life or death situations, yeah, of course I have to make an immediate decision. But if it's not that, then I don't have to decide right away.
If I find I'm really starting to obsess and agonize over a "should I or shouldn't I?", I'll try to Stop, be still and silent for a while, and give my HP a chance to communicate with me. At that time, I go right back to my mantra: Help me. Guide me. Protect me., and I'll repeat that over and over and over. If it's really something I'm VERY stressed over, I'll keep saying that every moment I find my brain has a pause in my daily routine. Help me. Guide me. Protect me.
I find the answers come clear and easy to me when I'm not obsessing on them.
I am unsure about a restraining order because there hasn't been any abuse for years, none while sober, I kind of think it's a bit extreme, but then my husband...he's predictably unpredictable... I am really confused right now.
Talking with him and telling him I don't want him to move in upon his release is going to get me NO WHERE. I have asked him to leave in the past and he has refused. I have had to pack up and leave. He would not physically leave the house. Frankly, he has no where to go and I feel bad about that, but at the same time, I feel worse about living with him right now.
I know 6 weeks in Al-Anon is not very long. I am just scratching the surface of issues and behaviors in ME that have to change. I need time and some space.
"Generally someone who has a DUI doesn't get to drive anymore." - The lack of a license has never stopped him before...if something has wheels and and engine he will drive it whether legal or not.
Yes, my thought is trust your gut. If you are not ready, you're not ready. The most dangerous time for a woman is when getting out of a relationship. Protect yourself first.
I have to agree with Serendipity on this.
As for a legal separation, I can't advise you. I did have to completely walk away from my addict husband and never come back. He had been in the system for so long that it was pretty much a way of life for him.
I met him fresh out of the penitentiary for the second time (armed robbery charges), and he was on parole the entire 5 years I was with him. He found all kinds of ways to circumvent the requirements of his parole.
As for possible domestic violence and him not drinking, please be careful. The first time my ex-husband hit me, he was not drunk or under the influence of drugs.
It sounds like he still has major issues with authority and non-compliance since his stay has been extended.
There's got to be a lot of anger with that sort of behavior, and it isn't going to magically disappear if he comes back home.
As has already been said, please protect yourself and those precious children.
I did a lot of damage to my oldest daughter by subjecting her to those horrible 5 years of life. She was 3 when I met him and 8 when I left him.
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"If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience." - Woodrow Wilson
It sounds like if you do let him come back, you will have trouble making any changes after he settles in. You are wise to assume that what happened in the past will happen in the future, if nothing has changed. Why not talk to a lawyer, with experience in family law, before he gets out? Then at least you will know what your options are, and can make a more informed decision. You can probably get the name of a lawyer who is aware of this kind of thing from the local women's shelter. Just a consultation shouldn't cost more than 100 bucks or so.
Reaching out for help is the way to get help not only from this board and also from other public services. I have worked ATV and written TRO (Temporary Restraining Orders) (Ooooops the first was Alternatives to Violence). Maybe where you are at is different than Hawaii in someways but in national attitude when a woman yells ouch...the country holds it's collective breath. I have written a successful (she got the TRO) for a woman who's husband threatened her with his own suicide because she was seeing another man. She was afraid that he would severely abuse their only son with his actions and also blame her for his self violence. Like that one? I have written a successful TRO for a man who had no threats made against him openly or veiled who only thought that his lifestyle was more conducive for their twin daughters than hers. I knew of them both and didn't think that it stood a snowball's chance in hell of getting reviewed and passed...and like my sponsor use to ask me, "Could you be wrong?", I was. It was passed. She got to stay away and he got custody outside of any divorce decree.
If you don't try you can't know. Reach out to public services and ask them for feedback on the issue and directions to other services. Alcoholics and addicts have abusive personalities outside of obvious abusive behaviors and these people know them all. You point at him and tell them where he's at and why and why you're afraid of him coming home after all these years and then turn the outcome over to HP. You may be pleasantly surprise.
That they have held him over for for exactly what you are afraid of might make them a good source of evidence at attaining the TRO.
I'm with serendipity, go with your gut. I moved out with the kids who were then 11, 7 and 4 and I did get a restraining order. Mostly because I didn't know what he would actually do and because he made verbal threats and because he just wouldn't leave me alone. NC is a very difficult state to get divorced in so I have had to wait nearly 2 years to file but GOD WILLING>>> it will be done on cinco de mayo!!! The irony of independence day is amusing to me...
So I can't give advice but I can say that it can be done. If you feel unsafe you should get the order for your own peace of mind. A domestic violence place will help you get it for free and I think the past abuse can be used as a reason.
Well I 'm not sure of the logistics of things but in theory if the A came back you could ignore him. I know whenever the A asked I jumped. When I started to stop taking his calls and started to stop doing things for him things changed.
I left the A a year ago, most of my stuff is in storage and I live very transiently. At the same time I'm not subjected to the daily unremitting chaos he lives in. Sometimes you have to leave.
The issue for me was making a plan b. I thoroughly looked at all the issues, I liked none of them. I did not want to leave but had come to the end of my tether with the chaos.
There is a saying in AA that if an A keeps on eventually they go to institutions or jails. I chose not to go with him.
Yikes! I have some questions for you. When you say he isn't abusive anymore, does that mean he does not speak unkindly to you? Does that mean he does not call you names or use bad language at you and/or your children? Does that mean he does not criticize you or the kids? (And so on..)
What I am getting at is this. So many women think if a man is not PHYSICALLY abusive, that they are not in an abusive situation. They do not recognize that VERBAL, MENTAL, and EMOTIONAL abuse is JUST THE SAME. This is taught in women's shelters and domestic violence help groups. Often the "quieter" abuse leads up to the "in your face" abuse.
You say "am i scared? a little" about what he will do. I've lived with the subtle, quiet abuser (although verbal abuse isn't all that quiet!) and being scared of what he might do "if I don't shut up, if I don't keep the house clean, if the kids don't do their chores, if we're not perfect, if if if..." was a sure symptom of that abuse.
Talking to people who work with domestic violence can help. They can tell you what options are available to you and your children. They can point to things that can help (as Jerry F did above).
Everyone always told me to pray when I was faced with something. When I would, and when I was open to answers other than what I wanted or thought I wanted, then I'd get answers. Sometimes they would be what I wanted, sometimes not. But since I've been doing that, my life and my kids lives is getting better. We're going through some rough times right now financially, but thats a lot easier to deal with than the abusive stuff we had with him here.
We deserved better. We deserved to be treated kindly, with love. Something that tears you down and leaves you afraid or feeling bad about yourself is NOT love. Now we're learning to love ourselves again. It is peaceful.
Take your time. Keep talking to others. Find out your options. You mentioned you left before...maybe thats one option... living apart for a time while you figure out what you need. Only you know what your homelife and relationship really is like. Only you can make the decision of what to do. All we can do is share what our experience has been. Take good care of you and those precious kids.
Luv, Kis
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Let your light shine in the darkness. "I can't just bring my mind to meetings...I must also bring my heart."
