The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Seems the longer I go on this path, the more time I spend pondering things. This morning (day 2 of early wake up and exercise) I found myself asking myself why I had let myself get this way. Why am I so out of shape? Why am I fat? What is it that has allowed me to just "let myself go" ? I was always heavy ever since I hit puberty. I never really cared that I was fat. Sure it hurt a little in middle/high school but that was about it. I didn't care about my health or what my body looked like. I kept getting fatter and fatter. Once I lost a bunch of weight and I felt great! Better than ever but then it came back slowly but surely. And I thought Why? Why did I let that happen? I know it's a choice and why would I choose to be fat? Then I started coming up with all kinds of reasons that fat is beneficial. If you were really sick you are more likely to recover if you have fat stores... fat people don't get raped, murdered, as much...almost like a defense. That thought lingered for a while and I thought of that fat as an insulation against the world. Nobody hits on me, they don't even look. I'm just the "fat girl". I feel that my fat makes me strong because I carry more weight, it protects me. I thought a lot about that this morning and thought it's time for it to go. I will take a self defense class!!! Something!!! Fat does not let me enjoy my life the way I want to. I have to worry about fitting on rides at the amusement park, I have to wonder if I'm too heavy to go on the parasail trip, I have to be concerned when ordering clothes online that they may not fit right. I don't look the way I want to look! How can something make you feel safe and trapped all at the same time? I guess it was the same with the A. I found security there even though it was only an illusion for the most part! You know what I don't EVER want to hear again??? You have such a pretty face.... UGH
I can totally relate. I was a big girl in my first years of high school and to be honest I was happy. I didnt care about what I eat and I didnt care that I was unhealthy.
When I was in my last year of high school the bullying and teasing got too much. I ended up loosing weight the wrong way. I got an eating disorder and I went so horribly thin (SIZE 4 UK SIZE 0 USA). I ended up in hospital being fed by a drip 2 days after my prom. A day before my exams I was released and I did my GCSE's. I have no idea how I managed to do them as I was so poorly, But I did and I done pretty well considering.
I also understand about the being sick of people saying you have such a pretty face. Your lucky I didnt get that All I got was Oh you have such a good personality. UGH. Its annoying.
I one of your last post I read you also have a suger problem. So do I. Today I eaten so much chocolate I was sick which is my problem. I dont know when to stop.
I had a baby 4months ago and to me Im fat. Im a size 12 (uk size's) and its the fattest I have been in a long time (obviously not while I wa preg)
I so proud that you are doing this the right way because believe me I wouldnt. I dearnt start a diet becasue I take it too far. Keep up the good work and keep looking up.
Oh CG, how I wish you could give me a few of those pounds. I come from a tall lanky family, and for years I was 6' and only 125 pounds. People would say 'You need to put weight on'! Argh! I must have had the metabolism of a flea because I could eat and eat and never gain a pound, and they didn't understand that.
I definitely went through some metabolism changes after I had daughter #2 at the age of 30. That baby fat didn't come off nearly as quickly.
When I finally went to tech school in 95, I went from washing dishes in a hot restaurant to a very sedentary lifestyle sitting in front of a computer all day at school. Then I got a job sitting in front of a computer after that!
I porked out at 180 pounds and people would say well you don't look like you weigh that much. You can carry that much weight. *insert scream of total frustration here*
Well, I didn't like it! I had the jelly roll over the top of my jeans, the insides of my thighs rubbed together when I had shorts on, I had no waist, kind of like a tall bratwurst! LOL!
My problem is when I get depressed/stressed, I just lose my appetite.
I dropped 20 pounds since late last year, and my skin sags. I'm too thin, my jeans sag in the arse (I have no arse anymore), and I just don't look 'well'. Sigh.
I am back in therapy again, and the psychiatrist put me on a second antidepressant that has increased appetite as a side effect. Well, I'm eating like a pig, and have only put on 4 pounds, so I feel discouraged right now.
It sounds like you've got a plan in place that is healthy for you physically and emotionally, which is great!
Wishing you success in your endeavor!
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"If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience." - Woodrow Wilson
I cannot relate to this one CG. I am 5'11"...probably 6' or a little over, but I don't admit to it...and I weight about 137. For so many years I wanted to be short. My mother was 5' even, but Dad is 6'3", and I guess I got my height from him. Now I would not want to be one tiny bit shorter. I can see over the crowd, and when I enter a room I am noticed.
There are all kinds of health benefits that go with dumping the extra weight, to say nothing about getting around easier, and looking good in clothes. (Or without them...) High blood pressure drops, diabetes often disappears, breathing problems do disappear. General health improves dramatically.
I am so proud that you are taking on this task. You won't be sorry. I guess it is a life-long commitment not to gain the weight back, but you can make that commitment.
I remember in high school, I had a classmate who was morbidly obese and only a teenager. The other students, probably me as well, made fun of this poor child mercilessly. Thinking back on it, it was a terrible existence for this girl, and I often think of her and wonder whether she was permanently scarred by the taunting she received. The fact is, heavy people are discriminated against. Overweight seems to be something slim people have no patience with. I don't know why that is so, but it is.
I wish you success as you travel on your journey to better health and a better-looking you. Keep us up-to-date on your progress. Doing that will keep you focused on your weight loss program. But, for heaven's sake, don't come down hard on yourself if you have an occasional slip. We are not perfect. As long as we do the best we can, we're ok.
Best to ya,
Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
For me, food has always been used as a coping mechanism, and more often than not, it has been used unconsciously.
It is very much like the same way an A uses alcohol to cope, others use food.
I've lost the majority of my weight, but I'm still at the tip-top of my healthy weight range, which means I'm almost overweight by medical terms, but not quite. I would love to whittle myself down so I'm in the middle of that range, but I still have that unconscious use of food to cope with whatever I'm feeling; boredom, stress, happiness, etc.
So, I still have a lot to work on for myself in that concern. I'm trying to work at being more conscious of what my physical body actually needs and recognizing the difference between true hunger and unconscious coping.
In the meanwhile, I use an online calorie-counting tool to keep myself within my healthy calorie range. I have to be careful with that, though, too - as the type of person that I am, I have a tendency to latch onto things with ferocity and obsession, and in my obsession with one thing, I can tend to lose touch with other things that are important in my life.
I am now working at trying to find that balance between physical health and emotional and spiritual health.
I do need to get myself back to the calorie-counting though... I've been eating too much the last month or so. Haven't gained much weight, but I can see I'm starting to fall back to old eating patterns again as I haven't been tracking my calories for a while. That, and I've been blowing of physical exercise a lot lately, too.
Carolina, I want to tell you this, I am more concerned about how you feel about yourself than your not being the size you want to be.
I was never fat. But more than once had anorexic symptoms and was very thin.
(from being sick as a teen,and when my first husband died and when my ah left(
I then gained weight on the anti depressants. What I learned was when I loved me as is, I lost weight and my body turned into what it was suppose to be. I never weigh myself. when I do for health reasons they just tell me how much I have lost.
When we love our bodies, we are nicer to them.
It is very freeing to love yourself, to like that you are a woman,enjoy your curves,soft skin,nice hair.
I have found that when almost anyone smiles they are beautiful.
I believe when we eat correctly, drink good water, wear cotton and wool, feed our hearts as well as our tummies, sleep well, laugh, our bodies correspond to how we live.
I love my body. My baby tummy I would change if I could. but other than that , this is me. Busy,strong, rarely get sick.
so please look at yourself with new eyes, see what you do like.
I am in the process of reading a very popular book right now, A New Earth. I love the chapter about how we tend to over-identify with our looks. On a very sane/spiritual level, it is ridiculous. Our body "is no more than a physical form that shares the destiny of all forms - impermanence and ultimately decay. "
The book suggests, that we look at the body without the judgement of our ego. We need to feel our body from within.... this would initiate healing.
My current goal, is to meditate twice a day. This has helped to quiet my crazy ego.
Just wanted to comment....your looks are not WHO you are. Your willingness to practice the 12 steps indicate to me, that you are very beautiful.
Love, gladlee
-- Edited by glad lee at 17:45, 2008-04-17
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
Well we can't all be J Lo and resort to magical diets.
I think for me the fat is there along with the codepency stuff to render me invisible.
I also think food is huge for me. One of my dogs, the beagle is right now stuffing herself a lot. I think for her its a deprviation issue, a boredom issue and a nuturing issue.
I also think for me the self esteem issue is huge. I find it very hard to manage my emotions and my self esteem. Yet I know when I look after my appearance I feel better.
I also think there is no "why" for certain issues. Our metabolsim slows down, its harder to get to the place of losing weight.
For me being invisible is huge. I am frightened of relationships which is one reason I pick dysfunctional people. Now I am trying to be conscious about dating I am suprized by what people say and do. I had absolutely no boundaries before and in my invisibility I went out for "fixing " them rather than taking care of me.
CG - you hit on so much that I find true with the weight. Weight is the perfect "insulator". It does keep you from being hit on, raped, noticed, and bothered. It works. I understand that competely. I've also discovered that going to the gym and lifting weights and getting stronger tends to take care of those fears. When I'm fit and strong (which I have been, and I haven't been in my lifetime) - I feel invincible. Right now I'm working my way back to strength (physical, mental, emotional). Pumping iron is tremendous for that. I'm astounded that my emotional strength is so tied to my physical strength. It's like "I can handle this!".
You're not alone in your struggle. I'm hitting it hard daily. It gets easier.
I'm terrified of being hit on. I got that A LOT when I was younger and I never knew what to do with it. Also got sexually attacked - so there's lots going on there. I found it easier to insulate than to deal. In that way I completely understand the alcoholic. It does give me some empathy.
Nonetheless, taking care of our bodies is something we do for us. Because we're worth it.
"Don't worry about your looks. Worry about what's inside." Come on now..... Kiddies, that is not only easier said than done, it's trite; and truth be known, we should never allow ourselves to slide into that kind of comfort zone. Our looks DO matter. Like it or not, looks matter to our self-esteem and to others' perception of us. Part of being human is to care about how we look on the outside. Kudos to anyone who has the desire and will power to improve his/her body image, as doing so improves overall health. Proven fact.
Encourage, encourage, encourage.
Keep up the good work CG, so you'll never hear these words again..."She has such a pretty face." I am with you gal.
Diva
-- Edited by Diva at 09:29, 2008-04-18
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
R3, we are doing the parallel universe again, I think...Yeah, when I am fit and strong and muscular I feel like I am in control and looking sharp and I am...
I am a big strappin' farm gal and can easily teeter between that place of just being a giant blob and being a strong amazonian goddess. Today I am the later, thankfully and have an active lifestyle in a part of the world where being outside is such a blessing (Hawaii) that all I want to do is walk everywhere, take my bike to the grocery store, etc. etc. I used to live in the midwest and its such a struggle to feel good when its dark, cold and you sit at a desk all the time...for me its a total formula for hell. And the other problem is not only do you get stuck in this SO IS EVERYONE ELSE!!! and its hard to gain the courage to bump right on out of that when no ones else is making this effort to do so.
I have been struggling with where to live in this world and I seem to be convincing myself that Hawaii is where I want to be. I need to return to the continent and deal with some stuff but maybe HP will bring me back here. J.
