The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I've already done a lot of crying this morning, and I have no doubt I will do more.
I don't know of any mother who doesn't have dreams for her children. I am no exception. In order to maintain any semblance of sanity, I finally let go and let God have my oldest daughter.
This morning, I did the same for my youngest. She's 19, beautiful and has already radically changed the chemical composition of her brain through alcohol.
She will soon be moving in with a full-blown alcoholic. She has been drinking far more than I suspected, which explains the insanity I have been seeing/hearing.
I knew she was dancing on the cusp of alcoholism, but had hoped some how, some way, she would pull back out.
I have had my faith tested many times before, but this is by far the most painful.
I just got done talking with my sponsor.
I have a letter to write to my youngest.
Then I must get on with my life, protect my recovery for the precious seed that it is in my hand. I will close my hand and hold it tight.
I start college classes online June 2nd, two one-semester classes in 8 weeks time. It's going to be intensive.
Thank God for recovery, because it has taught me that even though I feel my heart has been ripped to shreds, even when I hurt so bad I feel like I'm going to vomit, I can keep putting one foot in front of the other and weather the storm, one day at a time, sometimes one moment at a time if that is what it takes.
-- Edited by Tenderheartsks at 05:12, 2008-04-17
__________________
"If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience." - Woodrow Wilson
My heart breaks to read your post......you are so brave and have continually helped me with your positive and spiritual aura. I am definitely going to take your last paragraph into my heart today and keep repeating it because it is definitely there speaking to me personally.
Blessings and prayers for strength and hope and perseverence in the face of heartache.
THSKS, I cannot image the pain you must be feeling. I have no kids but do have a dear niece and those girl kids are really really special to us women relatives, I know...I was in a meeting last night when I woman said that its so hard not to think that somehow she caused her son's alcoholism because she always thought that she contributed to his successes as a child growing up, etc. so it would stand to reason that somehow she contributed to his failures as well. How hard and what a struggle this is!!
All I can say is that you needed to take your path. You turned out GREAT despite all the horror- you are such an inspiration to so many here, I know (to me for sure). I love your understanding of both sides that you bring here and how much unconditional love permeates every single one of your posts.
She has her path, too. No one can protect anyone from the pain that is going to come into their lives. God, if only we could somehow! All we can do is pray and keep to our path, as your post says- keep moving, keep your eye on the prize of school- School will make such incredibly positive shifts in your life, you are not gonna BELIEVE the benefits of it!!! Focus on the really good (albeit maybe a little scary) things going on for YOU like school. Its such a wise investment in yourself and great way to keep the focus on you.
You know I love you and wish you only the very best- I know you are gonna be OK, you are right in your HP's hands 24/7, missy. hugs, J.
