The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I remember in the beginning when I first escaped the chaos of living with an addict/alcoholic I had to be out all the time, stirring things up, looking for a new man, I THRIVED on the chaos and now it was gone!!! I didn't know what to do with myself. If you have ever quit smoking, it was a lot like that. A powerful addiction!
Now almost two years later, I haven't heard from my A for a week, I don't know where he is and the thought of him barely crosses my mind anymore. In the beginning he was on my mind every few minutes, what an obsession! Every now and then I'll think hmmm wonder what he's doing or where he's at, but I don't start looking. I guess I figure I'll hear eventually. I might check periodically to see if he's in jail/prison but I certainly don't want to talk to him.
It's amazing how time heals all wounds, I thought in the beginning this would never heal, I thought I didn't want to be without this man, he was my one true love, my soul mate. Now I can barely stand to speak to him on the phone and would do just about anything to avoid him. I find him almost repulsive. I can't even think of anything else to write because there's nothing to say anymore, no drama, no chaos, just daily life. At first I thought it was boring, now it seems refreshing and comfortable and safe. I'm so grateful for my serenity!!!
I so appreciate your posts because you give me hope that there IS life after my marriage ends. My AH and I still live in the same house but pretty much separate lives.I hope to get the house finished this summer because I think I am starting to feel really ready to go it alone.( just hope it sells quickly) I remember that feeling of ...what do I do now?......when all this first started with him wanting a divorce and my discovery of the online girlfriend that he thought he loved.It's hard to believe that was over 2 years ago,the end of 2005.I turned to my family which was a disaster, then I turned to Alanon.Thanks to this site,I have stayed with it this time.My life is changing so much for the better in many ways but I feel like the last thing to go will be living with him.That is the hardest because he has been my life since I was 17. I still care about him but there really is no marriage.I don't think he is at all interested in me or what goes on in my life or how I feel about anything. The truth is he has been trying to end the marriage ever since he got sober in 1989.I have clung and clawed to stay and he has also sometimes held on,probably out of fear of the unknown...especially since he has not been successful at finding my replacement.But he finally let go long before I did.I finally get it that he is thru and now I am also thru. It's kinda scary to live on my own,come home to an empty place.I do think it is what God wants me to do,I feel He is leading me to let go so He can do something wonderful in my life.I used to think God would not lead me to a divorce but now I am not so sure.Maybe that is what has to happen for both of us.Who knows what the future holds. I have been following your progress and I can really see a calm in your posts that I hope to have when I am on my own.I am so happy for you.I know you have kids so it is even tougher to go it alone but you are doing it and that is an inspiration to us all. I have also been wanting to find another man because I thought I really needed to have that.I still would like to marry again someday but recently I am starting to feel it's actually ok if I don't for awhile.
I still find myself grieving but I do think of him less and less. For me it has worked not to know where he is or what he is doing. I work really hard on avoiding him. For me the year is really up in Septemer and I'm trying to set myself some good achieveable goals to work towards that milestone. For 3 long months last summer I supported the A, emotionally, physically and financially. That was the end for me.
I don't look on my feelings for him as obsession rather as grief, loss, anger. There is so much loss in active addiction. Learning boundaries and being willing to take care of myself and my dogs first has been so key for me. I had no sense of self preservation before. Now I do but oh it needs refining.
Yeah, I can relate CG- I love the peace, I love my own big bed all to myself, I love not needing to be bullied and coerced and manipulated and accused of everything under the sun. I feel my life flow in such interesting and useful ways. I am so grateful for almost every single day now. I stop and smile. I stop and count my blessings and thank god/HP. Life is so simple and sweet. thanks for your post- its such a beautiful thing. J.
