Aloha Birdy!!

I have half a mind (most times that's a plus LOL) to have my wife respond to your post and then it would break her anonymity and maybe alter how she
does because this is my meeting only and she has never attended.   Might be interesting tho!!

He has 10 years plus sober, does all the program stuff with service up to and including grand-sponsees and he's got cold feet too....Well we have that one covered...It's about progress not perfection and the program doesn't promise guarantees.   We work this program on a daily basis.  We don't work the pass cause we can't change how it came about and we can't work something that isn't here yet so we leave the future alone also.  All we got is today; nothing more and nothing less.  If we do this 24 hours as best we can and continue to learn then if we have a tomorrow we can take our growth into that and be excited for it. 

If all we have ever done is worked on not drinking...that is all we have ever done and the rest of the other important life stuff will continue to cause us fear and tepidation and drive us farther away and deeper into doing only that one thing we do...don't drink. 

The recovering alcoholics and addicts I hang with today and work this recovery experience with today don't drink and use and they go after solutions to life problems other than just not drinking.  These people are admirable.  They are courageous.  They sit, listen, learn and practice and pass on what they have learned that makes their life so truely beautiful...and they don't drink.  We network and talk with each other about a megaton of lifes little quirks and quakes that would drive otherwise normal people into a frizzle and practicing alcoholics back deeper into the bottle and they don't drink.  We talk about gratitude for what we have mostly starting with our HP and then down from there to stuff that might appear trivial to a normie but mountainous to an alcoholic and addict and what we say about what we know and how we feel and what we've learned from each other and how it has helped us to change and sustain our recovery and we don't drink.

My understanding of the second step and the sanity I am returned to is that I was insane trying to have the usual things in life and a life itself while drinking a chemical that altered me. I truely went insane from trying to attain normal while being abnormal.  Now that I am no longer using mind, mood and physically altering chemicals in my life I can approach and participate in things like relationships with a person or many persons and many persons outside of the program also. 

You mentioned the "F" word.  To an alcoholic the "F" word is FEAR.   To an alcoholic in recovery looking for a level managable life  with self awareness and self determination the acronym for FEAR is False   Evidence   Appearing  Real.
We learned that most of the inner evidence and justifications we use to fade from facing responsibilities or new growth is False and therefore not real enough to hold us back.  There is another acronym for FEAR.  It is very descriptive of fear and panic.   F__k   Everything   And   Run.  I am sure you get the first word.  This is the acronym for those who just don't drink and thing that is all they are every supposed to achieve in AA.   If you can get a hold of his Big Book and I am sure he will share it with you proudly...dive into it to understand alcoholism from his side of the mirror. 

You want to get close....He wants to get going.   It might end up this way if he continues to hold his position and status and you run out of patience and desire.  If he decides to alter a bit it has to be for him and not you and still you don't have any guarantees.  You can decide to pull back and go see your own awareness and understanding in Al-Anon and because both programs have the very same steps, traditions and slogans with similar philosopies you may find yourself walking in the same direction and not in the same shoes. 

This is a choices program.  There are soooo many choices.   Best to look at the consequence you want and decide on that than make the choice first and never get close to anything you ever dreamn't of or expected.  

Keep coming back (((((hugs)))))

Welcome Birdie,
Please keep coming back. Read and post your feelings. You are very much in the right place. The A has a disease and, as you are learing, all the symptoms and crazy behaviors do not go away just because they do not drink. You are affected by those behaviors. Al-Anon is for anyone who has a friend or family member who is an A. It doesn't matter how long they have been sober. There is a lady in my home group whose AH has been sober for 30 years. She still comes every week and gets a lot out of the program.

In recovery,