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As some of you know my A and I have split and I have filed for divorce. He and his sister bought a house together and they moved in the first part of Jan/08. Well by the end of march he had kicked her out. (I'm not sure how you kick someone out of their own house) so that left the A and our youngest son (13) living in the house. (son's choice)
On sunday morning I recieved a phone call from the A asking me to come over as soon as I could because his house was on fire. By the time I got there the flames were out but the house was a total writeoff. They are going to knock it down and rebuild. (he had insurance)
Being the true codie that I am, I ran out and bought them both new clothes and necessities, cooked a nice meal and had them stay here that night. I thought this would be a perfect time to have my son come home and live with me and our older son. I asked my son to stay with me at least until dad gets settled and he did agree to it.
I over heard the A talking to our son about how mean I was to him that day and how he needed our son to "help him" get through this so of course my son changed his mind and told me he wanted to be with dad.
How can someone be so selfish as to put their needs before the wellbeing of their own child??? They are homeless and staying with friends that I have never met. Please say a prayer that HP will look after my baby.
Thanks for letting me vent Yours in Recovery Shadow
Sounds like your son and A are a package deal. If you invite your son to stay, the A will follow? Did your son choose to live with the A?
I understand about the A leaning on the children as they get older. I'm trying to block that from happening in my household. I see the potential for him getting the two eldest (girls) to "take care" of their daddy so I try to steer them away from those behaviors ("Would you do that for me? So, why would you do it for him?"). You are in my prayers.
(((shadow))) Your son has developed his own "codie" behavior. Understandably so. He doesn't want to let dad down - in spite of the chaos. Dad's used guilt as a way to keep his son at his side. Children of alcoholics have a very special situation. I am an ACOA, but was never put in a position to have to make such a very heavy decision. 13 is very young to have to go through this. In his mind, what happens to him if he goes against dad's wishes?
I don't know enough about your situation to know why your son isn't living with you to start with. Would a court step in and deem your ex's living conditions not fit for a child? Can you get your son into Alateen? He needs some support.
I am sorry about the fire. I am more sorry for the pain you are going through right now even more. It really $uc_s. It shouldn't amaze me each time alcoholics (dry or drunk) act the way alcoholics act, but the reality is that untreated they do.
Houses can replaced but people, their hearts and souls sometimes cannot. When something not so pleasant happens to me, I ask myself what lesson did I learn from this experience?
Thoughts, prayers and much love coming your way, Maria
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
It is amazing to me that anyone can put that kind of presure on a young child. "Its up to you to save me.... the adult." Yet I have seen that with my wife and my 13 year old as well.
Someone told me once that "kids know sick..." and they want to help. I just talked to my son about that. That is a caring and pure emotion to want that, but ultimately its not his responsability to make his Mom happy... and no matter what he does, or how hard he tries... she may not ever be happy. It is up to her to find happiness.
Since I was a child in an A home, I can say from experience that you are doing very well, and your son is learning from how you take care of yourself... its a precious gift that he will remember for the rest of his life.
You have my thoughts and prayers as always...
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
First of all I do not think that making your ex and son a nice dinner and getting them some basics is in any way being a "codie". I think it is being a kind and compassionate human being. The Red Cross does it all the time and no one accuses them of being co-dependent. There's a difference between co-dependence and compassion. You sound very compassionate towards people you love. Good job!!!!
You A sounds like he is simply manipulating your son. It is sick. It is sick to do that to a child. Putting his wants (not needs) ahead of a child whom was brought into the world to be protected and cared for by his parent, not manipulated to fulfill that parent's sick desires of not being alone. Although, a strong bit of me believes it's more of your A wanting to still be connected to you or hurt you with his using of your son. But that's just a guess on my part, colored by what I have lived thru with A's.
You sound very strong in dealing with all of this. I imagine I would be a wreck if my child were involved in something as dangerous as a fire when I couldn't be there. Even being there it would be terrifying. If you don't want to take the next step of using the legal system, just keep reminding your son that he has a drama-free home with you and his brother and that is where YOU want him, when he is ready. Good luck and don't be so hard on yourself!!!
So sorry about the fire, and how scary that your son could have been hurt in it. I know that 13 year olds (I have one too) think that they know everything especially what's best for themselves but they are not capable of making adult decisions - like where to live and so forth. I'm just wondering if this is your biological son or a step son? It seems apparent to me that his father is not capable of caring for him. With divorce comes custody have you asked for custody? If you are interested there is a program called guardian ad litem that is usually free and they evaluate both parents and determine on behalf of the child which parent is best able to care for the child based on home evaluations of both parents, interviews with acquaintances, schools, doctors, etc. and make a recommendation to the court as to which parent the child should live with. It's not fair for your son to be used in this way and you could probably get a restraining order against your husband to keep him from him until he decides to be the parent and not the child. Just some ideas... I'm really disgusted by that situation, my sister in law just died last week and that was how she treated my niece, the child was always the adult in the family. Now she has problems forming relationships as an adult. I would never let one of my children live with my A, I wouldn't even let him see them at this point.
I don't think you were being codie by cooking a meal and buying an outfit.
Maybe the situation with dad living with strangers and using will get to be bad enough that your son will decide to come home.
I'm sorry, I can only imagine how much that hurts!
I can relate a lot. For 3 long months last summer I held the A up. He was homeless, penniless, ill and destitute on many levels. He was also full of self pity, using drugs and self absorbed. I held him up on every level and he still did not get enough. He complained endlessly to others that he was not getting enough when I gave him "everything". Of course he bad mouthed me throughout our entire relationship but this hurt deeply as I really went out of my way to help.
Of course you are not going to see your young child be homeless and without food or resources. Some active A's can be tremendously manipulative. For me its so essential to see them as "ill" rather than take it personally even though I fully believe some of their behavior is meant to hurt and does hurt tremendously.
I know some people in this program comfort themselves by imaginging Sick, sick, sick on the forehead of the A. That kind of counters the issue of needing to understand why they act as they do, obviously they are very ill and unless they seek recovery get much much worse. I remind myself daily not to look for acknowledgement, recognition or resources from people who are ill. I have that charactor defect to go to the butchers to buy bread. I keep going there and I end up without my bread!
Be kind to yourself as kind as you were to your son and your ex.
I have had long talks with my son, he's only 7, about rescueing behaviors and the disease of alcoholism. We have talked about the sick behaviors, the guilt, etc, and how adults ARE capable of taking care of themselves even if they act like they can't.
Children understand a lot, but you have to keep talking, keep that dialog going and communication open. AND always remind them that their loved one is sick with a disease that only they can fight. I never, ever let my son believe that his dad was a bad person. He is not.
Anyway, I'm sorry you are having to go through this. I also do not think you were codependent for helping out in an emergency. Would you have done it for a friend or neighbor. Of course you would have helped a friend and child with some clothes and a place to stay for the night.
I would consider CG's advice about custody, though.
In recovery,
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~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
"First of all I do not think that making your ex and son a nice dinner and getting them some basics is in any way being a "codie". I think it is being a kind and compassionate human being. The Red Cross does it all the time and no one accuses them of being co-dependent. There's a difference between co-dependence and compassion."
The above is quoted from seren's post. I could not have said it better myself! I am truly sorry about the fire and about the A's attitude. Of course I will keep your precious son in my thoughts and prayers.
Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
They are homeless and staying with friends that I have never met. Please say a prayer that HP will look after my baby.
