The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
A mutual friend invited me and my A to a party where there will be drinking (maybe even drug use), and I really don't know what to do. I think it's insensitive for her, but I'm not really surprised. I said 'mutual friend,' but she's also one of his old drinking buddies. She's in denial of his problem (and her own) so of course she'd invite us without even thinking about how this might present a problem. Plus, she told me to "make him go" if he wants to "stay home and play video games instead." Yeah, right! Thanks! Aaargh!
Personally, I don't want to go because I'm afraid that I might drink and end up smoking cigarettes (which I've worked very hard to quit!) Of course I know that my A will end up drinking no matter what he says, but I realize that I can't tell him not to go. I can't control his drinking, his thinking or his behavior.
So I'm not going to tell off our "friend" about inviting us. I'm not going to make a big deal about it. I'm also not going to go. BUT I'm afraid if I don't go it'll turn into a negative thing, like I'm punishing him or whatever. I would also be his ride there. Aaargh!
Help! How do I tell him and her without letting it turn into an angry thing?!
__________________
"It's a job that's never started that takes the longest to finish."
~ J. R. R. Tolkien
If it were me. I wouldn't even mention it and I wouldn't go. What he or she thinks of you is none of your business. You don't want to go, why would you even tell him? You're not his chauffeur! I'd just forget I even heard it. If she wants to invite him she can call and do it herself and if he wants to go he can find his own way to get there.
I have learned that as long as I clearly state something like 'No thanks, I won't be going', and just leave it at that, how someone else chooses to act or react to my statement is on them, not me.
People pleasing drained me dry. I learned you can't please everyone all the time.
I was constantly walking on eggshells, building up resentments over 'those' people I was afraid would get angry if I stood up for myself.
That is a miserable way to live, and one that I don't choose anymore :)
__________________
"If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience." - Woodrow Wilson
I quit going to those kind of things a long time ago and had no problem saying "No Thanks, I have enough alcohol abuse to deal with at home". I certainly wasn't going to go looking for more!! Chauffering is enabling so I didn't do that either. I didn't care if A was mad that I didn't go (because I was just a ride anyway). I didn't care that if he wanted to go he had to find a ride (he's a big boy). I didn't care if my "friends" couldn't understand.
I cared that I wasn't going to go and be pissed off and miserable. I cared that I had a voice in what I wanted. I cared that I wanted to lead by example. I cared about me.
__________________
If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Repeat after me,,,,,, Im giving myself a pedicure Im cramping I dont feel like watching everyone get loaded I rented this really good movie I want to watch Im babysitting Im spring cleaning Wich ever excuse you use, your "friend" wont believe you anyway , but you can also just say "no thank you" and leave it at that. If your A does go without you, enjoy the quiet time..... good luck,, keep us posted Midget
You know, with so much A in my family, I just cannot stand to be around anyone who is drinking. It's a shame that my family's abuses have made me uncomfortable enjoying a social drink with friends, but it has come to that.
If it were me, I wouldn't go. I wouldn't be able to be around the drinkers. I would not tell my A either--if he gets invited separately, he's welcomed to go. I've learned I can't make him do anything, nor can I keep him from doing anything....that's why I'm here. As for my friend, I would politely decline the invitation. I would try to steer away from any excuse--if pressed, I would simply tell her that I just cannot be around drinking (drugs) at this point in time. If she is a good friend, she will understand.
I have to take care of me and a party like that would destroy the peace I've worked so hard to establish.
Thanks for all the great advice, everybody! You're right, I can't control my A or my friends' behaviors and what matters most is my serenity!
I just politely declined the invitation through email, and didn't even give an excuse. I just said "No thanks, and I hope you have fun." If my "friend" asks, I'll calmly and politely tell her the truth about why I'm not going. And then I'll hand back any drama she tries to give to me. Nice but firm. Wow. That felt GOOD! LOL
I did the same thing last night with my A. He whined a bit about me not going, but I just calmly told him that I didn't want to be around people who were drinking. I guess that's "leading by example" because by the end of the night, he said the same thing back to me! He's not going either, at least for now. Of course that might change, but I've got no expectations besides a relaxing Friday night watching a movie with or without him.
Yay! Success! (for now)
__________________
"It's a job that's never started that takes the longest to finish."
~ J. R. R. Tolkien
(for now)