The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I just got a message from my A. He's been renting a room in the next town and I let him see the kids when he's sober; I've been giving him rides to work, taking him to the laundromat occassionally, the grocery store, etc.
He called Saturday afternoon and I missed his call - I was actually busy making cookies with the kids, but we were going to do something with them on Sunday. I tried to reach him Sunday, but he never called me back (a very good sign that he's drinking again). Yesterday he sent me a text message that he was OK and that he loves me. I felt like responding "and i should care, why?" but I just ignored it.
My phone just rang and it was him. I let it go to voice mail and then checked the message. He's apparently getting kicked out of his room because he got drunk and mouthed off to other people there yesterday and "he needs my help." He doesn't know where he's going to go; said he called the shelter and it's full.
I feel like he is my responsiblity, the albatross around my neck. I haven't called him back yet and I'm not sure what I'm going to do. I really am starting to resent this crap. I left him, uprooted the kids, and moved back with my mother to get away from this nonsense. I know I have to let him deal with the consequences of his own actions, but like I said, I feel like he's my responsibility - just like another kid.... which is ridiculous; he's 40 years old!
I have work to do, tax returns to do, so much stuff! I don't have time for this; he needs to grow up and I can't make him do it. I am so frustrated!
Until you let go of the feelings he's your responsibility, you will have that albatross around your neck.
When I took an honest look at my resentments against the AH, I realized that I was more angry at myself than him because I kept putting him before my own needs.
It is very uncomfortable to change those 'rescuing' behaviors, but I can promise you it does get easier with time.
My oldest AD, now 30, is very adept at finding places to stay, it's almost beyond belief. She never lasts more than a month or two, and she gets kicked out because of her behaviors/attitudes, but she always has another place to stay within 24 hours.
I am a firm believe in letting go and letting God deal with the alcoholic while I get on with the business of my own life.
That helps me steer clear of resentments :)
__________________
"If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience." - Woodrow Wilson
One of the reasons we let them go is so that they can grow up. You did what you had to do in order to take care of your family. There's a difference between helping him and enabling him. You may not buy booze for him any more, but you could be enabling him by helping him this time around. It's okay under certain circumstances to help him. I will pick up hubby's meds because I know he can't always get there because of his feet. But I do not cancel appointments for him because he's been drinking. I make him call. Why should I cover for him? It only makes it easier the next time around. If he ends up on the street then so be it. Maybe that's what he needs. Turn him over to his HP.
Your responsibility is to yourself and your children. Take care of your needs first. I can understand the resentment. That's part of our sickness. Don't waste the time and energy on resentments. Try and turn it into something fun and positive for you and the kids. That's a much healthier and fun way to spend that energy. Much love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
__________________
It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
My oldest daughter has a saying she uses often when people have expectations of her. It is "I am not the one!". She is a single Mom of a 4 yr. old, with a full time job, a part time evening job, a rental home, car payment and two big chocolate labs. She got fed up with people expecting her to do things for them on her sacred evenings off work with her son. She is "not the one" to ask! She used to have resentments at the people asking but discovered that they were self imposed resentments.
Had she made it clear "she is not the one" in the the beginning, no one would be asking her to do anything. She has no guilt now by saying "no" and now, no resentments.
Christy
__________________
If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Your A sounds exactly like my A. I let him go be homeless. He knows better than to call me for help anymore. Detaching is the only route to freedom here! I have used the albatross around my neck phrase so many times I can't even count regarding him. I'm with you... you uprooted yourself, you are taking care of the kids. He continues to drink and the consequence of that is talking kaka and getting kicked out well then I guess that's what he needs. If it were me (and it has been many times exact same situation) I would say sorry about that and not even offer any help. If he asks for it I would say sorry I can't do that or I don't feel comfortable with that. You need to learn how to take care of yourself and that includes learning how to get along with others....
My A inevitably finds a place to stay. He just got out of jail last week and I hear that same day he found some Hawaiian guy to move in with. I don't even like to let him see the kids because he inevitably will be back in jail within a few weeks and unavailable to them AND it's usually MY responsibility in his eyes to transport them to HIS location an hour away since he doesn't have a license (thanks to dui's) a car (thanks to dui's) or a place to stay (thanks to losing repeated jobs and housing going to jail for drug/alcohol/theft related charges). Mine is 42 now, like a big unruly teenager. I agree with Christy, a simple no I'm sorry that happened, I hope you figure it out is all that's necessary. Caring but leaving you out of it because it's not YOUR problem AND it's on him not you to find the solution.
Wow Christy's daughter's turn of phrase is the greatest. I think many many A's have no idea how absolutely draining they are. The draining thing for me was when I helped the exA then got into resentment, blame, shame and obsessed about him. I know I drained people around me.
I think its a paradigm leap to stop feeling responsible for them. Resisting that takes a lot of detachment.
Hi my ex husband of 17 years was an addict and I rescued him for 17 years I was really resentfull when he left me after all I had done. I then started my current relationship with my A(3 Years). repeating my mission to rescue. I am tired so tired and have finally started taking care of me. My ex did end up homeless however i couldn,t help him because I was living with the A. Finally he had to sort himself out. He had to leave town change his name etc was in a really bad way. Now he has a flat, job and has finally found help for his addiction which he would never have done if I had been around to rescue him again. Sometimes we get in the way. They don,t grow up if you don,t allow them to. Would you still clean your child,s bottom as they mature? I have now detached from my current partner the A so that I can focus on myself. I am not perfect howebever if I do go to rescue now I am becoming more aware and I am trying to slowly change. If I don,t then maybe one day I will be on my death bed saying I helped him, him and him they are o.k but my life was miserable. Have love and compassion for yourself.
(Thanks Christy! I finally understood your response from the other thread!)
I find I have this bizarre programming within that tells me "If you love someone, you do ANYTHING for them. You give of yourself."
You know, if your A was my A, I'd probably be feeling the exact same agonies over "ARGH! I don't want to!" and then "Oh, but jeez, isn't it mean of me not to help when I have the means to?"
I'm slowly starting to learn that it's perfectly okay to help someone, just so long as it's something that makes me feel good about myself and I don't feel regrets afterwards.
All too often, my A only leaves me feeling regrets for helping him in some situations instead of leaving me feeling good about myself.
I like to buy little gifts for my A on random occasions, because that's probably one of the few times where the appreciation I get from my A is actually genuine. But if he's demanding a "gift" from me in the sense of "I screwed up bad - I need your help to get out of this mess", then his focus isn't going to be on being genuinely grateful for the help I've given him. His mind is going to be too wrapped up in the trouble he'd gotten himself into and will therefore be incapable of recognizing the assistance that was gifted to him, which will in turn leave me feeling regrets for bothering to help.
OOOOH! I just had a total "AHA" moment - I need to look at my offering HELP to someone not as just "help" but as a GIFT of myself.
WOW! That just totally puts things on a new perspective for me, makes me think even more about how genuinely valuable my time, my SELF is. And that's TOTALLY not in a self-centered "holier than thou" kind of self-value. It's just giving myself permission to RESPECT myself.
Yay, Aloha! I love to see somebody "get it". I love it when I have AHA moments, too.LOL
Linda- (((((hugs))))) Most of us have been there too. It starts with awareness and gets easier as you practice detachment and setting boundaries.
In recovery,
__________________
~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
Yeah, i do not want to help my A either but I get hung up on the "in sickness and in health, till death do us part" part of my marriage vows which I took very seriously when I made them with him.
I was raised to "be a good and helpful girl", also by my alkie mom who could not do much of anything because of her disease.
I know when I am feeling myself dig my heels in that its time to detach with love. Hugs, J.
