The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'll preface this by saying it's definitely apparent my AH is going through some major issues right now with his disease.
Lately he's just been defensive, and in particular, impatient!
I left an example of his wanting to fix things "NOW" in another post.
Here I am tonight with yet another situation he's wanting to fix "NOW".
He's bought a web cam, hooked it up to his machine while I was away at my Al-anon meeting. I come home to his sitting at his machine. "This isn't working! What am I supposed to do? I don't get why it's not working."
Yadda yadda yadda.
I immediately recognize that he wants me to sit down and fix it for him, Or that somehow he feels I have all the answers and KNOW what's wrong, but I'm just being difficult and making him figure it out for himself.
I honestly don't want to spend my evening headaching over a web cam he bought for his personal use. Yes, I'm the tech-savvy person of the relationship. No, that does NOT mean I know exactly what's wrong, NOR do I want to trouble-shoot computer issues for him day and night. I'll help, but let me do it on my own time, and right NOW is not that time (His expectation is that I drop whatever I'm doing to assist).
But since he wants to fix it NOW, then that means HE needs to figure it out. NOT me.
I ask him a few standard questions, and then finally tell him, "Look, you're going to have to go to the web site and try to find the info on the camera there, and if you can't find it there, then you'll have to call their tech support people and talk to someone."
Nope. He won't have it. If I'M not the one dropping my evening to work on his crap, then he doesn't want to deal with it. "F--- it!" he says, and then shuts down his computer and leaves the room.
My goodness he's been triggering me a lot lately. But I'm glad I'm here typing right now instead of running around the house fretting over his anger with the situation. Not playing into it. Let him be mad. I don't have to be. He has all the tools to figure out why his web cam isn't working, but he refuses to use them because it would mean a little extra effort on his part.
In a way, I'm glad he's not on the phone with someone right now. I'd feel pretty sorry for the tech support rep who got him in this current state of mind!
So.
Kelly, keep your side of the fence clean. Let him deal with his anger on his own. I don't need to follow him around and try to get him to calm down and be happy again. He can figure it out for himself. He has the tools to do THAT, too, if only he'll use them.
Oh thank goodness for this program!
Thank you, thank you, thank you Al-anon - and THANK YOU the most to my HP for sending me this direction.
I have a lot of the same issue with my AH. He wants me to fix things rather than learn how to do it himself, and on his timetable. I have found these instances to be a great place to practice setting boundaries. If I can help willingly and happily then I do, if it is not a good time for me I very politely say something to the effect of, "I would be happy to try to fix it later/tomorrow/on my timetable, but I am just too tired/busy to work it out right now.
I have had to learn to put boundaries such as this into place in all of my relationships, including my parents and my young daughter. In retrospect I realized that I was sacrificing my own peace and serenity by jumping whenever called, leaving me exhausted and resentful. Now I set the pace of my life to the best of my ability.
I have that charactor trait too. I want others to "do" for me a lot. I simply don't want to figure it all out.
The A had an impossible double standard. Every thing of his was of upmost importance. Everything of mine little importance. I lived with that for 7 years then said enough. Even then for a number of months I took care of him on so many levels.
Then I just decided I wanted reciprocity. I do not entertain much of a relationship with anyone anymore who doesn't consider reciprocity.
Limits are very hard, demanding people are very hard, I tend to ignore them. I also have to really squish down my people pleasing self.
Some of my roommates will ask me to do things for them. I generally have a rule these days unless there is reciprocity I don't "do" for them. I used to "give" till I bled and that's one of the reasons I am where I am. Now I don't but its a serious discipline not to.
Christy - not sure I follow? (I think I'll figure it out eventually!)
I've noticed, too, my AH has a tendency to be in the other room from me and if he sees something he finds interesting, he's always calling me "Come here!"
Sometimes he's wanting to share something funny, other times it's his wanting me to drop everything and supply him with answers or input on something. But a lot of the time, I just find it highly annoying.
Again it's the "drop what you're doing and pay attention to ME!" stuff.
If I call him to come see me? He usually ignores me, or he snaps at me - so I really don't bother trying to ask him to come into my presence very often. Sometimes if I do, I'll be honest here, it's only with the wicked intention of purposely annoying him. I know. Brat.
But I'm trying to step away from that kind of stuff, now. It does neither of us any good.
