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I tried to post this early this morning but don't think it did so Forgive me if it shows up twice!! Love ya'll!!!!
Realized some of my extream negative feelings Friday night were due to my needing a BControl shot (which is just strong harmones) I missed my reagualr appointment and can't get one till May 1st if no cancellations.
So it dawned on me.. my expressions or way I said things may have spurred negative between me and BF/ A Fiday evening. Also he has been working ridiculiously long days (which I hope he can avoid soon). So I should have showed him the resect to get some time off before reaching out so desperatly.. and emotionally.. I just was not being reasonable and he reacted to it.
I was feeling so emotional... wonder what it must be like for a persons body to need beer etc. How it must mess your emotions.
Also his actions Sat Morning made me realize why I stay with him... He woke up early got dressed and out of bed, started helping out (repairing vaccume etc) even though I was obviously not speaking to him and I slept upstairs Friday night. unusual for him to get up early, when he's been working so much, he didn't say sorry or officially "take back" what had said that made me upset but suddenly he displayed totally opposite "personality and actions" This is why I stay with him. I want to believe this sweet person is the "real" him. Anyway- I acted like a total crazy person Sat morning anyway cuz I was still all mad-late in the morning he forgave me and then took me out for a nice- running errands and grab a burger at a cool "drive-in" kind of place-hot rod car drivers and bikers go there so it's "cool"--- which is my perfect idea of a Saturday afternoon, just being together and getting some little stuff done. Then we looked at camping stuff on the internet together and tried to watch a (boring) movie, we even made some beginnings of plans for next weekend, which he knows I l like to have a plan, especially since I'm gonna be out of town all week and we won't have time to talk ... and there was even some talking about feelings involved... He loves me, I just don't know how to deal with it when he is sullen or rejects my efforts to be close,when I want/ need his attention (right then, demanding little brat I am sometimes! )--- but help is on the way (alanon program ).
In a perfect world I deserve better. In a perfect world so does he. In this world we are so very lucky to have eachother!! (all I need is a little attention and that is all he can give sometime) lol!!
Thanks to all of you for listening to my rants this weekend? I'm not sure how much is really issues and how much is crazy emotions so I have made up my mind to try not to react to anything till I get my "shot" and work on not reacting after that too!! Learning....
So thanks again for being out there expressing love and acceptance and support...It really means the world to me... more than I can express....
I know what you mean. My A and I are getting pretty good at communicating since he has now found sobriety, but I still have trouble communicating elsewhere. My home group meeting is my growth place right now. (A growth place is wherever I am having the most conflict in my life at the moment.) There has been some conflict and I am trying hard to work on communicating with people better, so that I don't come across so confrontational. I still have that hormone thing too, so I have to watch out that it doesn't sneak up on me. It really is a pain in the you know where.
Hope they call you with a cancellation, so you can get in sooner.LOL
In recovery,
__________________
~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
Ok, ((((glad)))) I misread your post the first time and thought it said BeControl shot as in Be In Control. I thought no way! there's a shot to be in control!!!! Sign me up!!! What is a BControl shot anyway? I have the worst time about one week a month and it is totally hormones. Is this shot something that helps with that?
I'm slowly, very slowly starting to realize that if I have a button pushed by something my AH has done, that I need to put some time and space between the action that pushed my button and my reaction to it.
In other words, I need to sleep on some of these things before I open my dang mouth!
Another thing my sponsor asked me one time when I told her about one of my knee-jerk reactions was "Oh. Did you pray before you talked?"
Um. No.
So, yeah. Life is definitely full of stumbles and falls. We learn from them, though - learn to keep our emotional balance so the stumbles and falls come with less frequency.
Another thing I heard was that we are NOT required to act on things NOW. Unless it's a life or death situation, it's perfectly okay to take a step back and give it some deeper thought that can only come through time.
It's not easy to do with an A. I find often my AH demands immediate decisions from me.
Saturday, in fact, my AH pulled something like that on me. He was out BBQing on the lanai, and then I heard our windchimes being disturbed, it was obviously not the wind, but him doing something with them, so I got curious and looked out to see what he was doing with them. He moved them from a hook that was right over the top of a chair on our lanai furniture and put them on a hook that was out on the very corner of the roof overhang.
Ideally, it would be a great place. Awesome place to catch the wind, in fact... but the downside is that it was in a position to be exposed to the elements. Water could run down the roof, drip on the wood the chimes were hooked to, the sun would bake it, and the wood would eventually split from all the elemental damage. I wasn't guessing on this - I knew because I'd owned a pair of wind chimes before and hung them up in a place were they were exposed so and ruined them.
So, I didn't want the chimes to get ruined, so I told my AH, that's a nice spot, but unfortunately the weather will get to them there and the wood at the top will split. I know because this happened with another set of chimes I'd had in the past. I'll take them down for now and we'll figure out a different place to put them.
AH got agitated. I'm sure he thought he was doing something fine, didn't like hearing that what he was attempting would end in not-so-great results. I think in hindsight I probably wasn't "understanding" enough with my tone of voice with him, perhaps.
In any case, so I grabbed the windchimes and took them into the house. He was still cooking food on the BBQ so I figured we'd figure out where to hang them when he was done eating.
Next thing I know he's out there grabbing a hammer and a step stool and a new hook "Where do you want them??" I hadn't gave it much thought WHERE I wanted to put them, so I said "Let's just think about it after you're done. Don't want your food to burn."
He was very huffy about it, but he did put everything back.
But that was an example where I find my AH has this tendency to demand immediate solutions/reactions/answers from me. So it's hard to break the habit when you have a person you live with who has to know NOW.
Learning....