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This is hard, I don't like it and kind of bummed out about it all. I probably worked too hard to make this my 2nd marriage work for the past 20+ years and all along my AH was unavailable as a workaholic & now an A or he just refused to participate in our relationship the way I hoped for. I can see this in hindsight and also see that like everything else I was doing too much & working too hard at it for both of us.
Now I am tired and I understand detaching without love is probably indifference which I am not proud of because I agree with compassion for the A and HP finds good in all and can love all. But the question occurs to me if there ever was a relationship? or if I just don't care anymore?
I see my part in this mess is that trying to help, I was controlling I guess but not loving, giving or caring.......and neither was AH. All we have now is an illusion of a relationship and I do feel at times the victim. I just complete the package of success - wife, kids, house....... oops, no dog or picket fence. sigh!
My part of this illusion or fantasy then was to enable AH to be irresponsible for his share of this relationship and it just keeps grinding down to what is left - not much or what was ever really there? I find that the more time he is at home, the less connection we have, when he leaves for work in town - there's the greetings & farewells and when he is gone out of town - the phone call to touch base is the most connection. That is so backwards to me and sad. So much history and it is all for show it seems.
The more progress I make focusing on myself, the worse my relationship seems or ever was. I feel so used or hoodwinked. Just needed to vent a little tonight I guess.
ddub
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"Choices are the hinges of destiny." Pythagoras You can't change the past, but you can change the future.
I remember that kind of thinking and attitude. In hindsight it was a message that my hardrive was stuck, my record scratched, my vcr on constant replay. It was like walking thru deep muck in a depression. YUCKY!! Then I was asked the question "what was your expectation?" and then I found out that I didn't have any real expectations I could talk about or goal either. I just wanted things to work out what ever the heck that mean't. "Make me happy dammit!" I wanted to yell and then a very curious thing happened that resulted in me being told by an Alateen member. "Don't you know Jerry F that happiness is an inside job?" I was too dependent upon other people (Alcoholic mostly) places and things to make me and keep me happy. Never works expecially if I have a negative attitude.
My HP uses tools of every size, shape, color, and gender and age to get me changed. I just love it!!
That makes sense but I did have some simple expectations even when I first was marriad and I was hopeful & positive about it for a long time. Fantasy dream/illusion keeps you positive about the future possibilities.
Many years ago during marriage counseling, the therapist explained to my AH that he didn't hear what I said. I wasn't trying to guilt him into attending the kids functions like sport games but it was me asking for companionship. He went a few times then but told me he didn't want me talking because he was there to watch the kids. In the beginning, I just wanted to have an evening we saved to be together even just once every couple weeks. He didn't want to be scheduled. I set up a couple overnights later on after 4 kids, he fell asleep the first time early and the next time he brought video tapes for him to watch and DVD's for me to watch on his laptop in another room.
So I learned to accept that he wouldn't be there for me with emotional support and had a lot of fun with my kids..... although it was with out him and he was fine with that. I was happy a lot of the time but kids grow up and I became more aware of A & finally out of denial as AH's tolerance increased. His lack of interest and my independence w/o him at kids stuff has left us with not much to work with. so I am happy unless I look at what is left for us..... that is sad, not negative attitude, it is just what it is. thanks for sharing
ddub
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"Choices are the hinges of destiny." Pythagoras You can't change the past, but you can change the future.
I was and can still feel totally out of it on issues like relationship and relating. I think for me I have to tread pretty carefully around any difficult stuff like frustration and expectations.
I really did not have much in common with the A once we stopped interacting in a dysfunctional way. We did not have mutual interests, his interests were "using" and "using". That was about it. He had no idea how incredibly rejected I felt.
I now feel like I'd rather be alone than try to make something work with someone who doesn't "try".
Yes, I agree that it is sad when you want to care, but just can't find the feeling in you.
I realized recently that feelings for my AH weren't the only ones that were missing, though. I STILL am having a hard time finding real joy in life. After so many years of nothing but all consuming pain, it has been hard to just have fun. There are things I enjoy doing, but I realised that wasn't the same as just having fun doing something. I recently went to a spinning thing and did actually have real fun for the first time in months or maybe years. My son and I walked around looking at venders' fiber and equipment, we took short classes to learn the craft better, we sat and spun with oldtimers. We had a blast. And I was so unused to that that it took me days to recuperate emotionally from it. I was literally a wreck for days!
So I am working on taking care of me, working my program, and learning to be joyous again. I am learning to leave behind the neediness, too. I am learning to find close relationships that satisfy my need for intimacy. When our A can't give us what we need, we have to look elsewhere to satisfy our needs for emotional contact with others. (And I absolutely DO NOT mean going out on a marriage.) That is part of what Al-Anon gives us, a safe bunch of people to make emotional contact with.
Anyway, I didn't mean to run off at the keyboard. LOL Just ask yourself, what can I do for me today? What do I need and where can I find that?
In recovery,
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~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
The disease is insidious and progressive... as is, often times, the loss of a relationship with an addict. The degradation of a relationship with an addict is prolonged, and we don't even realize it is going, going, going. But one day we notice, "Omigosh! It's gone! How did this happen?"
I didn't imagine the good times with my A-bf... they were there. We had a good & great thing at one time. So, although in hindsight I often wonder, "Was there ever anything there?" I know that there was indeed, at one time, something very wonderful there.
My AH refuses to schedule anything also- says that it "jams him up". In the end all we could do that would not include persecution and accusations and out and out fighting consisted of going to the movie theater and sitting in the dark watching a film. Not talking about it afterwards, nothing.
At this point we are both so hurt and disillusioned. I can only give so much. he can only give so much. I have tried to focus on "what do I have to offer" in this situation and find I am coming up with things he does not want. What he has to offer are things I do not necessarily want. so, it speaks for itself.
Sad. We used to be able to at least extend some courtesy to each other. Today, experiencing a little bit of courtesy would be like getting a diamond necklace or something. J.
I did have a lot of magical thinking going on with the ex. I kept imaginging it would get better when it got much much worse. I then had a lot of bitterness.
I can relate to what you are saying. I have wanted more "Us" time with my AH as well. Most of the time he isn't interested.
As time goes by, I am looking toward the day when our daughter will leave home for a life of her own. I wonder if we will be able to make a life for ourselves after that happens.
Until then, I busy myself with projects at home and sometimes I get a little help from him.
Take Care,
Claudia
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A person's a person no matter how small --Dr Suess
This post is depressing, here I am single and thinking is this ALL I have to look forward to? I keep getting my suspicion that I might just be better off single confirmed. Seems as everyone is miserable in their relationship, I'm pretty happy without mine!!!! Just seems so hopeless. Where are the happy couples who stay married for 70 years and still look at eachother with love and respect? Why even bother trying to start a relationship if this is how it ends up? Hm I wonder if this is how my kids feel?
Actually I find the idea of making my life great a wonderful antidote to what caught me up with the A in the first place, rescue, was and is a toxic place for me. I think what I am aiming for is relationship as a choice rather than an excercise in masochism. I know for me the way I went about relating to everyone was always to compromise myself. These days I tend to be very very specific about what I will do in terms of boundaries in ways I did not before. I also have clearer expectations rather than some rooted in magical thinking.
I gave my "all" to relationships before not in a very healthy way. Now I tend to limit how much I will "give" and have much clearer expectations of what I can and can't do.
I'm very grateful to al anon for helping me to learn another way of being. I had the same relationship my entire adult life with different people and was often absolutely overwhelmed with frustration by any other kind of relationship be it boss, friendship, neighbor whatever. Al anon has given me the tools to look within as well as to think widely about what I can do rather than sacrifice myself all the time.
1) Was your husband active before you married him? I knew my husband for many years before he became a full blown alcoholic. I knew him back in college and never would have guessed that he had a disease. He rarely drank. We had dated a bit back in college but then went on to other relationships. If you were married to him before he was active, you know what the disease can do. Perhaps deep down inside of him he still loves you. But as we all know, the disease doesn't let the A love others. Until he gets sober and stays that way he will always love the bottle more. My AH too was a workaholic. He was very much the functioning A in his previous marriage. He wouldn't touch a drop at wrok.
2) Are you lonlier with him than without him? This was asked of me when I was in a completely different relationship (not a A). It made me realize that I was lonlier when I was with him than when we were apart. With AH when he was really drinking heavily he was emotionally absent and that hurt.
I too have felt at times that the relationship was just an illusion. I have to remind myself of what it is like when he's sober and it's only during the active times that the dynamic changes. However, the more I work my program the stronger our relationship seems to become. He feels more comfortable with me and telling me when he relapses. Maybe it's easier for him to ask how you are doing when he's leaving. Perhaps there is shame in him and when he's traveling he can't look you in the eye without feeling ashamed of himself, IMHO. Meanwhile take good care of yourself. Remember you are doing the best you can and that's all one can ask. Much love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
