The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Had a big blow up tonight with AH. He thought about what we had discussed week or so ago and he decided he didn't need any help and thought I was exaggerating the problem. Afraid I lost my temper, but it gave me the courage to actually ask him to leave. OK. It was out. Please leave. But he says no--its his house too, his name is on the mortgage too. Things are very tense and hostile. Luckily children were out when it happened, but can tell they are feeling the tension . Wish I had a spare bedroom to sleep in....
So, question. What do you do when A won't leave? Does that mean my only option is to leave myself? If that is my only option, I can't leave the children behind...
I don't know, Hon. My A left when I asked him to. Hopefully there will be others with some esh for you. I just wanted you to know I feel for you. I sure remember that tension.
In recovery,
__________________
~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
Is leaving the only alternative to a spat? In hindsight I now know that it is not. Is it not okay for the alcoholic or addict to have her own preceptions and express disagreement before me without me blowing to pieces? Again in hindsight I know that it's permissable and even human for others to disagree with whatever they find not to their agreement. I was harder on the alcoholic and she was with me than we were with others even total strangers because for one our ever stronger demand that some time some where we agree and affirm the other. We were too habitually angry and self centered to relent.
There is a question in recovery that helps to quiet the condition down if it is looked at and considered honestly and it is, "Would I rather be right or would I rather be happy?" No fair responding for both at the same time. LOL
Well everyone here has probably blown up at an A. The issue of leaving who leaves who is a big one for most of us. A lot of us probably go through times when we leave, go back and then leave again. I certainly did. What changed for me was when I made a plan b. That is when I started to look at how could my life be without the A. I am one year into now life without the A. I have to say its hard, very very hard, this month is a lean one. I earned more money last year because I left the A, I moved on some of my goals last year. Now I have other goals. I gave up on the mutual goals. There were none by the time his alcoholism destroyed them. Making a plan b was a long job for me, it took several months. What did I need, what kind of support did I need, how much money would I need.
Oddly enough when I was making the plan b I was so busy and so focused I stopped fighting with the A. I know for sure the A absolutely never expected me to leave him. He left, I left, he left, I left but we were never able to be apart. When I made a plan b that changed for me, I stopped threatening and obsessing I started working on it.
I got to the point where I realized that if certain things were to keep happening, I would have to leave - take the kids and get out. In a lot of ways, once that decision was made, life became easier. I had bags packed and in the car, extra keys, money set aside, etc. He would come home drunk and start yelling and I'd think "Hmm, is this it?" and then decide, "No, it's not that bad tonight". Because I had accepted in my heart that I would most likely have to leave, I was less bothered by the things he said. As I stopped reacting to him so much, he stopped being so abusive. I would have sworn, before, that I did not have a part in his rages - that they just happened and nothing I did could affect them. However, when my attitude changed, his rages changed, so I guess I did have a part after all. Because I was not being so devastated by his behaviour when drunk, I found it a lot easier to deal with him the next morning - instead of greeting him as he hauled his hungover ass out of bed with "I suppose you're going to pretend you don't remember what you did last night" I was saying things like "Good morning. Want some coffee?" This meant that the mornings where we would have a huge shouting match first thing became fewer. This meant he was less likely to head straight to the bar to think about what a bitch I was, and less likely to behave badly when he got home drunk. And, eventually, we spiralled our way OUT of the mess we had been in. He still drank, but was no longer abusive, so I didn't really feel I had to leave.
So, for me, the detachment of realizing that I could leave if I really wanted to was what was needed for things to get tolerable in our home. It might not work this way for you, but it's the only experience I have to share with you.
. Wish I had a spare bedroom to sleep in....