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Well, it finally happened.....With her newly given freedom to drink with no control from me, she drank herself stupid enough to have a small accident on the motorcycle with our 8 yr old daughter. I think [hope] it is a blessing in disguise as no broken bones...just a few gravel strawberries and bruises as it was slow speed on a dirt road in the neighborhood. It could have been a lot worse! I say blessing in that it may be a wake up call for her [and me]. I kept my cool and didn't yell....didn't have to as the evidence was obvious. I told her in a calm voice that sometimes Buddah, God or the Ghosts [thais are superstitious & Buddhists] sends us warnings or signals to be careful or something worse can/will happen. And, I did say that she is still free to do what she wants to do [drink], but to call me to pick up the kids if she ever is in that situation again and IF she does get that stupid drunk again, then she gets the one way ticket home.....I can't/won't watch her destroy herself and endanger our children again.
I had to draw some definate boundaries when it came to the kids. My AH drank with our 7 yo son in the car and went to drug dealers houses. When I realized all of it, I just couldn't let him take him by himself anymore. He is 7 months sober now and I still am reluctant at times. I am a stay at home mom, so mostly its not a problem for me. Just sad that we have to protect them from their own parent. I do what I have to do to keep my kids safe.
In recovery,
__________________
~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
You never know - at the very least, it can be a wake up call to you.
With my husband, things affecting the kids that he could see were pretty effective at changing behaviour. Not getting him to stop drinking and drugging, but getting him to stop certain aspects of bad behaviour that went with drinking and drugging. A big part of it probably was that these were the things that got ME mad enough to draw clear and obviously real boundaries. There was a big difference between me crying and begging "oh, please, but you know I looooove you...." and me white hot with justified anger saying "If you ever ever do something that stupid again...."
For me there was no "IF you do this again" That my AH did it once was proof for me that he would do it again. So, there was no second chance when it came to the kids. That is, once I had been around these rooms for awhile and gathered the strength I needed to. My children and ther pain was the reason I finally left. Seeing the pain in their eyes hardened my heart against the AH and gave me strength to do what I had to to keep the children safe. It makes no sense that I have to keep them safe from their own father, but nothing about this disease is logical.
P.S. I lost my best friend's 4 yr old this past summer. It was an accident. It is the most horrifying thing losing a child and even though I wasn't there when it happened I still feel responsible and probably always will. There is no "do-over" when death is involved, and adults, all adults connected to a child, are responsible for the well being of that child IMO. Other adults and their feelings do no matter when it comes to the saftey of a child.
My A said I had to choose between him and my 11 yo daughter, he was drunk at the time and I didn't even realize it. I chose, moved out almost 2 years ago now and have just stood back and watched as he spiraled downhill in and out of jail, dui's, financial disaster for both of us, he doesn't see the kids, I won't let him because he is so unstable, constantly in peril of going to jail, homeless, etc. I set him "FREE" when I moved out and this is the life he has chosen. I agree that the safety of the children is the primary concern. I used to find needles around the house in places where the kids could get them. I used to tolerate a lot of things that most people would find intolerable. It's amazing what we can justify in our minds. That accident could have gone a lot differently, I would immediately set a boundary that she does not transport the children anywhere or come near them when she is drunk. It's one thing to act a fool and be driving around trying to kill yourself, it's a whole nother story when you drag children along.
The A who I was with had tremendous reckless driving issues. I really was in denial about them.Denial is hard to break I think also walking away is a very hard thing to do. Do you have a plan b what you need to do to walk away. I know when I had a plan b in motion my ability to set limits was in there.
I also seethed, worried, fretted and worried some more before I had a plan b. When I started to put a plan b together, the obsession went away. I also stopped believing the A would take actions that were positive. Gradually over time he got worse and worse. The driving was indeed very very symbolic.
I agree , there should be no second chances when kids are involved. She dropped the bike,, right.? Yes it couldve been worse, alot worse. When my A got drunk and fell, busted open his head after bieng sober for 3 months.He was at home watching the kids while I was at work. The police didnt care tht hed been sober for 3 months.They didnt say "Oh , lets give him another chance". They were ready to take my kids from me for neglect. Thankfully a neighbor had taken my kids to her house to hide them , or I would have had to go through the legal system to get them back.That is the most terrible feling you will ever experience,the fact tht you can lose your kids, because you left them with someone who got drunk.Please, my al anon friend, do not wait for something worse to hapen , before you say IF YOU ARE GOING TO DRINK , YOU CANNOT WATCH THE CHILDREN. You are your childrens only advocate.If you dont stand up for them,,, no one else will......... Ive been there too , most of us have Midget
