The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I wasn't able to get ahold of my sponsor last night. I left her a wacky message, though - but of course, she's an al-anoner, I'm sure it all made perfect sense to her whenever it is she got her message.
After the message, I sat down and meditated and prayed. Falling back to my usual fail-safe, "Help me. Guide me. Protect me."
It was amazing, because while I was meditating, I had this voice in my head that was so powerful I almost felt like I was going to be physically knocked flat. "No one gets do define who I AM."
Of course, that is right. My life is not defined by what other people do around me.
And again, my HP helped me to recognize once again, that this is an area of my life where I am powerless, and that my "need to know" is how I create unmanageability in my life when I already know the answer.
In any case, I still awoke this morning feeling anxious, sad, worried, and I found my thoughts drifting right back to the past. He did this and he did that, and since he's drinking again, he's probably going to do the other stuff again, because he obviously doesn't care if he hurts you or not because you told him drinking hurts you and he knows that and yet he's doing it anyway...
Blah blah blah blah blah blah BLAH!!!
I really wish I could take a gun and shoot that annoying little voice in my head.
Anyhow, I picked up my ODAT (One Day at a Time in Al-Anon) book and read today's passage, and of course, BAM! Everything in there applies to me (and I'm only pulling just two sentences out of many from that page, so I hope there's not a problem with my posting them up):
How much thinking time we waste fretting over past mistakes and missed opportunities!
...I pray to be relieved of the compulsion to worry about the past, and that I may not let my pessimism paint black pictures of what may happen tomorrow.
Page 104, One Day at a Time in Al-Anon.
I'm starting to go through my ODAT book and each day highlight the sentences that stick out to me the most.
Anyhow... I'm feeling a little better now.
I'm also trying to remember one of the sentences in the "Just For Today" bookmark: "Just for today I will be happy.... most people are only as happy as they make up their minds to be."
And dang it, I want to and DESERVE to be happy, so my little worry-voice and just SHUT UP and leave me be.
Wow I loved your share I am not having a hot day myself my little voice has been running riot, it doesn't help that I am hormonal LOL. I have read today's page in ODAT and Courage to Change and they have helped me too. Anyway you brought a smile to my face when you said you feel like taking a gun to that little voice in your head I know just how you feel. On a good note this is one of the few things we can control and redirect so heres to focusing on ourselves and thank god for Al anon. I just have to remember when I feel this way their are things I can do to make myself feel better and go ahead and do them rather than getting crazier and crazier or lower and lower. Thanks for your share I think I will go and read somemore to improve what that little voice is saying to me.
The amazing thing about those books is how often today's reading applies to today's problem. And although I KNOW I've read every page of C to C at least twice, so often it's like I've never seen it before, even though it is exactly what I need.
