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After attending another AA speaker meeting tonight and talking with a fellow Al-anon member who attended the AA meeting, too, I found myself back in that conversation of "gee - I have NO idea what my AH is doing in regards to drinking. Is he working on staying sober, or is he drinking, just not in my presence?"
That question cropped up in my mind several times today, it's been something that's just been stewing.
Before I went to the AA meeting, I dared to ask my AH if he'd like to join me. I was pretty sure the answer would be "no", so I wasn't crestfallen when he gave me the predicted answer.
Again, though, the question came up for me again - so is he trying to stay sober or not?
So, when I got home from the meeting, I decided to suck it up and ask him frankly if he's drinking again. I made sure to stay calm and composed, no dramatics in my question, and made sure whatever the answer was, no dramatics there, either.
Of course, I didn't like the answer at all.
Yes, he drinks maybe a beer or two "some days". Mostly at work... tourists sometimes like to leave food and six-packs as their "tips" to my AH's work. "Sorry, all out of cash, but have a bunch of beer instead!"
*sigh*
So, I finally got my answer. I didn't flip out on my AH, just remained calm and said "okay", and that was the extent of the conversation.
Of course, inside I'm feeling like I just deliberately smashed my serenity into a million pieces.
Why did I have such a burning need to know??
But at the same time, again, his answer didn't really surprise me. I had a suspicion that he was drinking again. His snoring at night gives it away. He only ever snores if he's been drinking, and there's been several nights now where the snoring's back.
Anyhow.
So. I got my answer. I already knew the answer. But I'm already full of regrets that I'd even asked. Some part of me was happy with the minute possibility that he wasn't drinking. Some part of me was actually happy just not knowing, period. Ignorance is bliss, as they say.
So, yeah. I really don't know how to process this information, now. I asked for it. So now what am I going to do with it?
I think, for sure, I need to sit down and do some meditating and praying. Big time. Keep attending my Al-anon meetings.
I should call my sponsor... that's what she's there for. I feel guilty, though, because it's getting kind of late in the evening.
Shoot, I think I'm going to call her. And if she doesn't answer, then i know my next best bet is to sit my butt down, get silent and still, and listen to my HP.
Wow, I can identify so much with your post. I cannot count the times I have composed myself, steeled myself and asked my AH something that I already knew the answer to in my heart, yet felt wiped out hearing the truth out loud. I have been there so many many times. I hope you reached someone to speak to, you are lucky to have that. On Friday I lay on my bed, alone in the apt. for once, and stared at the ceiling, thinking, who can I call? Who? Aside from my sister I came up with exactly 2 possibilities--both of them bad choices. The isolation is painful. So I scrounged around and found a number someone had given me at a meeting and forced myself to call. Later today I am going to meet that person and then go to a meeting. Keep reaching out. best, DOA
I hate the idea of calling alanon's when I'm down. Don't know why... everyone always says to...guess I know they will have ESH that will make me look at myself and take responsibility or maybe because they will tell me to detach I dont' know just hate it! Can go on and on on board.... will call because I obviously know it's some Issue with me and I need to do what I need to do. But calling is hard for me. Know I'll cry and sound all nuts like I do on here>
aloha, what an incredibly honest and relevant post. YOU ARE working the program, despite your need to ask the questions. Our need to ask is not too different from the A's need to drink. We are all working to manage our own disease, its not like its gonna go away. We do well, we backslide, we take steps forward and then back, please do not be too hard on yourself. I would have done the same thing and here is the deal HP/God loves us regardless and unconditionally. When we feel the burn to ask and then do and then get the answer we knew we were going to hear and let it hurt us- its a mindf*ck we do to ourselves, the only one we really hurt by this is ourselves so there is no use in continuing to feel bad about it. Its a slip, thats all and we all do it and we all feel it and its part of the process, a work in progress, not perfection.
Love yourself MORE than him. Love yourself, accept yourself, hold yourself, comfort yourself, focus on that. Hugs, J.
That little share brought me face to face with one of my past wise sponsors again. His response was, "It's best to let the poop just lay there and dry up rather than to poke it with a stick." Wise soooo wise.
Everyone has given you such great advice, so I don't know what to add besides the one thing I've learned lately: Forgive yourself for not being perfect. Own that you did it. Figure out where it came from. Then let it go. Forgive yourself for backsliding.
One more thing, though. You said: "He only ever snores if he's been drinking..."OMG I thought my A was the only one!!! Seriously! It's so loud that I have to put in ear plugs, and then I can STILL HEAR IT. The snoring was literally keeping me up all night, so one night I just went to the living room and slept on the couch. He saw me there in the morning and felt so guilty that the next time he drank, HE slept on the couch! I wasn't sure what to make of that, but anyway... thanks for sharing!
We really AREN'T alone!
__________________
"It's a job that's never started that takes the longest to finish."
~ J. R. R. Tolkien
