The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I get a little confused by this 'control' thing. I have recently been enlightened by this great forum on the issue of not controlling my binge drinking wife [as previously posted 'stranger in a strange land'] and if anything, I now feel more at ease and even witnessed her moderate drinking last night without getting uptight and wound up.
But, what about 'control' in other aspects of life?? like with the children, my [childlike] 89 yr old father, my wife's bad money management, etc??? Some control is necessary and I am in the position where somebody has to maintain control for safety, economy, and health. I don't like to control, as it always places me as 'the bad guy' and I'm not.
re: [not]controlling my wife's drinking and setting her free...I did only 'request' that she maintain respect for herself and her family [me and children]. Was that the right thing to do?? or is that conditional freedom?? and still makes me a control freak??
TEP - I know the control thing is sticky. You really only have control over you. You can attempt to control your wife, her drinking, and the fallout from it. But it's futile and will only serve to make you crazy. If your wife's drinking is causing safety issues with your children, or financial issues in your life - then you have to make the decision of how you're going to deal with that. We don't offer advice here - only our own ESH (experience, strength, and hope). Many people in your shoes have separated finances (in order to avoid their own financial ruin), and have hired outside help to take care of the children if they feel that the drinking in the home may compromise their children's safety.
Al-anoner's are famous for being known as "control freaks". I think it's mainly because where we see such a complete lack of control with our A's - and the chaos that ensues - we feel like we must take charge and fix things. (someone has to, right?) Where we usually find ourselves is chasing our own tails. Running around putting out fires and thinking we have some control. We simply don't. And you may have "requested" that she maintain respect for herself and your family, but she either will or she won't. Even if you had "demanded" that she do those things - the outcome would be the same. You're dealing with alcohol. And right now your wife has no more control over it, then you do over her.
I know it's a very helpless feeling. We've all felt it. Try not to get too tripped up on the "control" issue. We know that you're doing the best you can for your family. You're doing quite a juggling act right now. It's okay to turn some of the burden over to your Higher Power for awhile.
Hi I can really understand where you are comimg from I am seen as a control freak and I am really struggling with letting people live their own lives and learn from there own mistakes.
If you share your life with this person you seem to face the consequences of their actions also.
You are in control of you and only you, I have looked at how my AB drinking is affecting my life and took messures to protect myself. For example I don,t lend him money anymore. Hope this helps Just wanted you to know just because you try to be sensible does not mean you are mad even though you feel that way sometimes.
One thing you might find useful is to set the boundaries on what you will accept, rather than on what she can do. That might seem like a matter of semantics, but it isn't really.
As an example, I learned to bring my own vehicle to events, so that if he was getting drunk or wanting to stay late, or behaving in some way that I didn't like, I could go home. This kept me from all those futile little manipulative gestures you so often see "Oh, honey, do you really want another? It's just about time for us to go...."
This sort of thing may be more difficult for a man, as women, on the whole, are not worried that leaving a drunken husband to find his own way home will expose him to any danger. However, I'm sure you can think of ways in which you can protect yourself and your children, while leaving her to face the consequences of her own actions on her own.
This might feel heartless, or as if you are therefore 'giving permission' for her to drink herself senseless. The thing is, though, she'll do that anyway, permission or not. Setting yourself up to be her keeper helps neither of you. If it worked, then heck yeah, we'd all do it. But, it doesn't work , and it erodes the happy times you *could* be having together.
"One thing you might find useful is to set the boundaries on what you will accept, rather than on what she can do. That might seem like a matter of semantics, but it isn't really."
yeah, thanks lin....I did just that this morning after 'the accident with child' [just posted].
Thanks for all your words...it's starting to make sense to me and hopefully with her. The Thais have a simple phrase that they use all the time to aviod responsibility.....'it's up2u' and i just laid that on her.
well I think for me the issue of who did what got really old. There were times when I gave the entire reins to the A. There were other times when I felt I was doing absolutely everything and resented him to the point of toxicity. What I found useful was to have a focus. I focused on me and my issues, while I acknowleged the A's issues they did not become a point of obsession. Detaching is certainly an art and requires a tremendous amount of focus for me on what needs to get done. I left the a I lived with one year ago. I am still on many many levels surrounded by dysfunctional people. I have to really work on not being sucked into their vortex. That means for me totally re-focusing on myself all the time. I also have to refocus that the people around me are sick. Some sponsors recommend seeing Sick Sick Sick across their foreheads. The more I can do that the better.
I have had an ailing, demented parent it is a hard task. I think the art of detaching from a parent who is ill and dysfunctional is tremendous. Being in a caregiver support group can help.
I am glad this group is helpful to you. I have to say it is my absolute lifeline.
