The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Not as strong as some of my alanon friends. Don't know if I ever will be. Not as strong as the women I see here that have real issues like husbands cheating or beating them. Still feeling sorry for myself anyway. Tried to talk to BF tonight. Didn't go about it right for sure. But even if I had not sure the results would be different.
Bottom line: He says to me "no man can talk about deep s..t for more than 15 minutes I love you but shut up!
Before that he had said: I don't know what your going on about "things" are finally getting better your finally making some money- meaning I'm making enough to pay ALL the bills and he only has to worry about his beer, snuff, dirt biking money, won't even buy himself work boots- they were nasty and falling apart so I did that- wrong size so they will either sit there or I will return them and get money back! ... Hey think I'll do that and let him wear smelly old nasty ones... Hey this long stupid post just made me a hunderd bucks.... I"m glad!!
He even said one time (long before now) that I could work to pay bills and we would use his money or spending money---easy for him huh??? Not worried about money- actually I did have good month this month.. it 's the fact that he feels no responsibility to take care of himself or me... sick of it!!
Also said he feels emasculated when I talk to him about deep shit. I think what he means is he feels emasculated when I try to force my will of wanting to talk about deep things--Guilty as charged....feel desperate for his real love (meaning sharing) and not just his kind words-like I'm pretty and he loves me- I know some women don't have that and I appreciate those words- but sometimes I just want him to really want to talk to me. I don't think it's ever gonna happen-unless I let go and let God, I feel so sad at the moment. Don't know if I'll ever let go long enough... feel old and tired at the moment.
I had been trying too hard to talk to him I admit.. but we never really talked he just argued about if we should talk or made wise cracks. I should have walked away! I even brought up things he likes like motorcycles...said I was looking forward to next race ( if not hating the idea is "looking forward to" ) he just made a joke(said hey if your looking forward to next race we can go practice at that track tomorrow- we haven't had a day to do anything in so long, I really thought I wanted to do something with him, now I don't- he knows I don't want to do that! HE was making fun of my attempt to talk about something he likes to do- mocking me! and then he went back to watching TV and totally ignoring me.
Except for his "sweet talk" and as far as I know he doesn't cheat... well except for those things I've got nothing, ALL he ever thinks about is how he can get what he wants!!!... but I know I have alot more than some have..ughhhh!
I don't think I should have to have a limit exactly on how long we should talk but rather wish he had the desire to make sure I got the chance to tell him how I feel and wish he cared if I understood him enough to express his feelings.
Thank God for alanon or I would really be feeling bad about myself right now. Now I just feel bad about HIM!!! and his Mom every time he spend so much time on phone with her he gets like this... I think she has some kind of voo doo spell on him!
I would actully be really happy, really really happy with 15 minutes of real coversation about anything at all that matters to him. and I would probably totally freak out from happiness if he actually talked about feelings or my feelings or anything even remotely meaningful.
I know this is about his issues not about me but I'm feeling all lonely and sad and full of self pity at the moment.
Thanks, I don't feel better but gonna post it anyway!
Edited again next morning and I do feel better, kinda feeling like what the heck? who gives a poop...I'm gonna take care of me.. maybe I should sleep on stuff before posting .... or post, sleep, get better... I"m gonna call my girlfriend and see if she wants to see a movie or go to a park or go look at new cars or puppies or maybe find some outdoor music or festival!! Or maybe I'll go by myself?
I can relate to this post. I was thinking lately, "My A-bf has no clue about my hopes and thoughts and dreams. He doesn't know my favorite songs, my favorite hobbies, that I love to dance. He doesn't know so many things about me... he will never know."
It's not that I withhold any information... it's that we never talk, either. I didn't realize that this might be just because I am with an alcoholic... I just thought men in general were this way. Maybe. Maybe not. It's not black and white.
When I want to talk, really talk, I turn to my sisters, mom, or female friends. That's where the really good conversations happen for me!
I have long ago quit trying to please the alcoholic in my life by suggesting we do the things that only HE wants to do. If I wanted to do something, I would go do it (with or without him... usually without! LOL It was actually more fun that way... I could relax and enjoy myself!).
Anyway, your postings are ringing true with things that I have gone through with my "shell of a man" alcoholic boyfriend. There is not much there anymore... I sometimes say, "There is nothing now. Was there ever anything?"
At the risk of sounding like I'm man-bashing (and I'm NOT), I've had plenty of friends say "typical guy" when I reflect on stuff my A bf does (or doesn't do!). So true. But when I put on my tunnel-vision glasses, I only see that he is an alcoholic. Not that he is a human being who doesn't always think, feel, react the same way I do about everything. And he is a MAN! And as much as we wring our hands about things, most of us would prefer our men to be men. So we gotta take the good with the bad sometimes, I guess. Mine's never going to sit around and ask me what I'm feeling. Just not going to happen. Not because he's an alcoholic, but because he's a guy.
I guess we need to differentiate between typical A behavior, typical guy behavior, and just typical HUMAN behavior. Thank God we're all different. Sure keeps this planet interesting!!!
The thing that kept coming to my mind when I read your post was "Going to the hardware store for bread". You want something from him that he just does not have to give.
Putting it bluntly - if he were able to truly deal with his deep emotions, he would not need to drink them away. He's not a normal guy, and you're not going to get a normal relationship with him. Even if he sobers up, and truly works a program of recovery, he will always be sick and there will always be something - sobriety is no picnic either.
This doesn't mean that you are doomed to a life without deep emotional bonds, it just means that you have some choices to make. The steps are a big help here - actually working the program can help you find out which of the many choices are the ones for you.
If you are not getting to f2f, you might want to seriously consider it. This place is a lifesaver, but it's kinda like the coffee after the meeting - more fellowship than program. Both are necessary, for healing and growth.
