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I noticed that there is an abbrev. for Justify Argue Defend Explain JADE
So therefore it must be an issue talked about in Alanon.
Can anyone give me a view on this... the reason I ask is my A simply will not explain anything, justify anything or defend himself or an issue..he argues but it's kinda wild.. not about the "issue" ususally argues about if he should have to talk about it or not???
It hurts me that as soon as I talk about something at all deep or relationship subjects, he acts like I'm wasting his time and "making our day bad". when really I'm only trying to understand him or know him more? It's like he expects us to be casual buddies at best. My heart hurts. boo hoo (little mouse in little box again)!!
A person who has nothing to hide, hides nothing? or maybe not if an A other seemingly reasonable statements don't seem to apply in this life?
There may be something here I need to learn. Like never expect someone to Justify Argue Defend or Explain.. although asking for explainations of things seems healthy to me ... so any negatives can be cleared up or explained.
Someone told me once you can not have emotional intimacy without trust and you can't have real trust without emotional intimacy (meaning sharing your feelings and wanting to hear the other persons).
I know it's about the A not about me if he won't discuss his feelings but it still hurts. I'm not there yet to say it doesn't matter! May never be? but willing to consider it as something I need to do-- detach?
JADE comes in handy if for example... you are being accused of something that is maybe untrue, or not factual, or in your view not worth starting a fight over.
Or if someone doesn't like what you say or how you say it and has issues with it..JADE
It's a tool to use not to be sucked in to the drama.
I can't speak for his reasons, but generally speaking that it what I use it for.
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
I have never seen that acronym but it is what I don't want to do when I am listening to my friends or kids and I don't want to hear that from others, especially my A.
I learned this when I was asked to attend therapy with a teen child. The child shared things she was unhappy or angry about and I tried to explain why that happened. I learned justifications, excuses etc weren't needed. All I needed to do was acknowledge the pain felt by this person.
Made me think how angry the family gets at those times when A is told he said or did this and the A can't take the blame. He has to blame someone else so he tries to justify, argue, explain and defend to throw the blame anywhere else but at the A. Frustrating for the family but comes with the disease of A so I've learned.
I have learned to use this with a variety of similar words: I hear ya, I get it, it sucks! which means: I am listening, I understand, I acknowledge your pain
just my 2 cents - thanks for sharing the acronym, easier to remember now
hugs, ddub
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"Choices are the hinges of destiny." Pythagoras You can't change the past, but you can change the future.
okay I will try to learn more... maybe it good not to JADE or maybe it is something I will learn to agree to disagree about-or maybe there is some view of it I just don't get. To me Justify argue defend and explain is exactly what you would want to do if you care about the other persons feelings and want them to understand you meant them not harm by some action etc.
Other wise your just saying I don't care about your feelings enough to even address them??
I'll ask my alanon friends in person. not trying to be difficult just really don't get it!
Maybe it is healthy behavior from non- A's but A's just are not capable of doing any kind of conflict resolution cuz they don't care about anyone but themselves and the bottle
glad, It's not often you can justify, argue, defend or explain yourself to an alcoholic and be understood, whether you care about them or not. No matter what you say it always seems to snowball in to some big monster, making attempts to JADE worse. It's not used just for alcoholics but in circumstances where you can see the other person is going to defend "their" point of view to the bitter end. In those circumstances that's when I choose JADE. I don't NEED that person to understand my point of view because I am secure in it, and no amount of justification is going to change their mind anyway.
Did that help any?
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Yes that helps the part about when you can see the other person isn't trying to see your point of view. He probably JADE's all the time because he has no trust that I am going to see his point of view. He doesn't trust or want to communitcate his feelings with me! He grew up and lives his life with 100% A's all the time. I'm in a different world!
I have never heard of JADE... but, I believe that it can be a reminder of what NOT to do when dealing with a abusive person! I don't remember where I read it, but I did read that, "do not become a victim by trying to explain yourself to someone who is abusing you" (or something to that effect).
Here is a new meaning for JADE when dealing with someone who is verbally abusive: Just Act Deaf and Exit! (a little humor here! LOL)
All this detachment whith someone I want to share my heart, life and plans with???? Anyway I get it and see how it could avoid alot of problems. I don't mean to argue..
I just believe problems that have been resolved are "glue" that hold relationships steady and solid in other times of problems?
Maybe that's healthy maybe not I don't know? Just my feelings open to learning and thanks to all for sharing.
