The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
To read the full article by Debbie Ford go to: http://www.soulfulliving.com/the_shadow_process.htm
Each of us must make the conscious choice to step out of the belief that we are victims of our lives and open up to the possibility that we have created our particular circumstances for a reason. We must commit to looking at our lives as though each and every quality, person and circumstance has been drawn to us in order to give us specific insights and wisdom. This requires us to examine each aspect of ourselves and our lives and ask, "Why would I need this? How could this be a catalyst for me to grow and evolve? How could this quality or situation serve me in creating the life I desire?"
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
I don't buy all of this. I was set up to be with unavailable men and totally out of control "takers" by a childhood were I was totally indoctrinated with codependence, being a victim and fantasy. I certainly didn't choose to be sexually abused as a child, beaten to a pulp as a child or neglected as a child. I certainly didn't choose the A as someone who would hurt me tremendously or nearly destroy my financial record.
I certainly have plenty of responsiblity for where I am as an adult but I've had to learn how to be responsible. I was not set up to be responsible for me by the childhood I had. I was certainly set up to be over responsible for everyone else.
I realise that these beliefs of somehow this being a karmic journey or some such thing helps others. I don't find it helps me. Nothing but nothing but nothing at all ever justified anyone abusing a child. I did not have children because I could not guarantee I would not be around people who abused them. Obviously as I didn't know how to protect myself I could not protect a child.
So no I do not believe I "chose" this journey in another lifetime or that I am here to learn something. I believe I am here to try to have a better life but I don't think there is necessarily a theory behind why someone gets wonderful parents who create a loving, safe environment for them and why someone else grows up in abject poverty an orphan. I know absolutely it was nothing whatsoever to do with me, my thoughts or actions that I ended up with two absolutely crazy abusive, child hating people as parents.
I love the thought provoking posts you share. *smile*
Like Maresie, I don't belive that my HP teaches me with abuse... however I have learned to take the situations I find myself in these days and look to my HP and say... since I am here... what can I learn from this, or what oportunity can I see in life that was not visable before I knew what I know now?
In times of abuse or tragedy... it was easy for me to look at it that way since I don't believe my HP to be vengeful. But how about blessings... How about the day that I meet a person that adds incredible value to my life... If its good am I willing to call it fate, or do I still have choices and lessons to learn?
My personal belief is that my HP provides me guidence if I am willing to not only ask but listen. In all situations, not just the bad ones. In faith I can ask for the strength to fight or run from a terrifying situation where otherwise I might not be able to do that.... and I can also ask for the patience and insight to take a wonderful situation - and not screw it up. *grin*
What I read from the original post is that no situation is hopeless, and there is always a choice. That I do believe in ways I never knew possible before.
Thank you Christi, that was something I needed to put some thought into today.
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
This evidently touched a nerve, sorry bout that. I didn't post this for anyone to "buy it" ...Take what you like and leave the rest, hon.
Never the less, there are very valid questions in this article that everyone can ask themselves and much that can be used as we walk toward recovery..
.*The shadow wears many faces: angry, critical, fearful, lazy, controlling, selfish, weak, pathetic These are the faces we dont want to show the world and the faces we dont want to show ourselves.
*Until we make peace with our shadow we will continue to be at war with ourselves. And our outer world will mirror our inner struggle. What we resist persists and we will create and attract from others that which we most dislike in ourselves.
*Rather than viewing our weakness, our smallness, our insecurities or our rage as enemies or as obstacles to moving forward in our lives, this process guides us to embrace our so-called defects as the powerful teachers that they are.
*Embracing our shadow allows us to reclaim the power we once gave away. When we are at peace within ourselves, our self-esteem no longer depends on the approval of others.
*here is no greater love than the one that allows us to shine a light on the aspects of ourselves that we have judged and made wrong.
~peace~ Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Well I certainly think I can learn to be at peace with my past. First I had to own it though and that was a long haul, then I had to see the effects of it. I had to see that the patterns I learned as a child led to me being willing to put up behavior. I also had to see I did not and absolutely could not have boundaries as a child.
I think its all very well to say nothing changes if nothing changes but for some of us it isn't a snap your fingers kind of thing. Learning boundaries isn't an overnight make over. Seeing an alcoholic or addict for what they are and how the disease progresses is a very painful often long process of uncovering and discovering and having some respite from the constant chaos enough to see them as they are rather than what we'd like them to be or their potential to be.
I do agree it is possible to grieve and make peace with but its a process and no one can dictate how long that will take.
--- "We must commit to looking at our lives as though each and every quality, person and circumstance has been drawn to us in order to give us specific insights and wisdom. "
Think I just kinda took this and ran with it...
Just stuck out as something I needed to think about today....
The ramblings of a texan...
Take care (((((Christi)))))
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
Thanks for clearing that up for me :) It just goes to show how differently people can percieve the same thing. It's that illusion thing again..lol Depending on your attitude, what you've been through and your present awareness..... It's not yours till you make it so!!
Love ya Christy
-- Edited by Christy at 19:06, 2008-04-11
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
I was a victim, I became a survivor, I eventually will transcend the experience. I was certainly a "victim" as a child there was absolutely no choice involved at all.
I don't know that I was anything but a "victim" to the A because I had no boundaries. I'm not sure I can say it was my fault I had no boundaries since I never had a chance to develop them as a child. When I discovered I needed to learn boundaries (which was when I was leaving the A) I stopped being a victim.
But before then I certainly was and I'm not going to say there was much "choice" about it.
Thanks for giving the site, I went and read the whole article - may be a book on my list to read. (:
"When we are filled with self-love and self-appreciation, we automatically attract the miraculous experience of love and appreciation from others."
That is my goal and my hope, kind of exciting to think about the experiences and new friends I could attract as I get more & more recovery under my belt.
Just gaining self love & self appreciation will be something to begin with. Thanks for sharing this. hugs, ddub
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"Choices are the hinges of destiny." Pythagoras You can't change the past, but you can change the future.
""When we are filled with self-love and self-appreciation, we automatically attract the miraculous experience of love and appreciation from others."
You got it ddub!! And you're more then welcome :)
We have choices in life and choosing self love/appreciation instead of victim mode, anger, and negativity allows a whole different world to open to us that seemed unavailable before.
~peace~ Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
"We must commit to looking at our lives as though each and every quality, person and circumstance has been drawn to us in order to give us specific insights and wisdom."
Ah, yes... I think about this often when I am attempting to "self-comfort" in a difficult circumstance. And at times, the smart-aleck part of me says, "Hey! I don't WANT anymore insights and wisdom! Give me peace... give me patience... and I want it RIGHT NOW!" LOL
Ah, yes... I think about this often when I am attempting to "self-comfort" in a difficult circumstance. And at times, the smart-aleck part of me says, "Hey! I don't WANT anymore insights and wisdom! Give me peace... give me patience... and I want it RIGHT NOW!" LOL
When I get to the point of "I want it right now" I know that I've learned what I needed to learn.
Just because I was born into a family of origin who turned their backs on their HP doesn't mean that I deserved or needed to be abused in order to learn something from it.
If I let myself get into the whys and whats of my family of origin I KNOW I'd go nuts so, I CHOOSE not to go there.
As a child I was dependant on them for my life experiences and learning, as an adult I am not. I am now dependant on me and my HP.
The whole point is that children have no power, adults do.
I now work on accepting what happened to me, what it did to me, and healing (because I couldn't live with the person I'd be if I didn't)
Through this process I find now that for my own health I need to find some way to forgive people- including myself. How I'm going to do this is still a work in progress.
Finally going back to the first post, I believe that if I did not learn to do all of this, I would still be stuck in "victim" mode, which of course attracted abusers like a light house!
So, what happened to me was not my fault but now I have awarness. it is my responsibility not to attract more of the same into my life and the lives of those I'm responsible for.
Thanks for the posts, as always, peoples very honest sharing is a gift I am very, very grateful for. Thank You
