The material presented
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Hi all need some feedback really confused. I have been doing research around co dependency, enabling etc. It seems like everything I have been doing for my A enabling him etc, has been to get my own needs me. I am that insecure I give my all hoping to be loved plus I feel superiour.
That is horrible.
According to my research if I had a good relationship with my HP and loved myself I would take care of my needs and love my A just the way he is warts and all. Warn him of the consequences of his actions and leave him to live his own life ( live and let live). Moreover I wouldn't get pleasure out of saying I told you so. I am very confused and feel terrible do I really love him? am I really just out to get my own needs met ? Am I running because he has problems? Would be grateful for your shares.
Oh Tracey, such great questions you raise!! They are sort of the core of it all for so many of us- at least they sure are for me.
First of all, try not to be so hard on yourself. You are not a monster! I am not a monster. It takes a heck of alot of courage to admit and really look at these things you bring up. Most people live their entire lives never really looking at themselves, their behaviors or actions much at all. I think its great that you have taken the time to take a long hard look at yourself. Especially in this day and age when asking questions about anything is practically a crime.
Lots of us are on the same path as you are. You are not alone. Much of what you have posted is true for many of us. Becoming aware that we can muster up the "courage to change the things I can" is key- the only person we have any control over is ourselves. So, simply begin by placing the focus on yourself, get to as many al-anon meetings as possible, read as much of the books and literature as you can and learn, learn learn. We are all human and make mistakes, slips, etc. but you are part of a very loving (as in unconditionally loving) circle of people now and its going to be OK. Its Ok to mess up. we just work to get back on track.
This program works if you work it- at your own pace and in your own timing.
I just want you to know that I have the same questions. I know how you feel. Hugs, J.
For most of us it took a long time for our lives to become this upside down... and yes many of us have discovered the same things... that much of our own pain comes from within us and our reactions to things that happen around us.
They call this recovery... and not "fixed" for a reason. *smile*
Being brutally honest with myself and my side of everything was a bit horrifying for me. But very healing to... only then can you decide to do anything about it... so be gentle with yourself.
There is a saying here that says ... we did the best we could with what we knew at the time. And I believe that to be true of most people.
Welcome to MIP and your recovery... you are in the right place and we are here for you.
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
You've found the trail!! Rah!! Your vision is getting clearer and if you drop the warning him of his consequences part your love of him (warts and all) will be even more unconditional. "love is the complete and total acceptance of anyother human being for exactly who they are." This is the definition of love I learned from an older member of the program and it is the definition that I live by today. So it is not only my alcoholic but everyone and the quality of it is complete and total. I am in this definition also and loving myself this way is marvelous (warts and all).
It is very natural to want to get our needs met. That is a natural order of things. Getting our needs met without cooperating in the process and using our own time, ability and facility first is using others. Lots of alcoholics get judged for this and blamed. You have arrived at the door of self honesty. What a marvelous share.
No I don't think al anon requires anyone to be a saint. Personally I found it pretty hard to love the A when he was absolutely self destructive. What's great for me is not to actively hate him and wish him ill. I no longer do that.
Maybe you are being a bit hard on yourself but I think that's the norm in early recovery.
Anyone would struggle with an active alcoholic. The tendency to take it all very personally is very normal. It took me 4 years or more to learn how to detach effectively. I had to keep coming up against brick walls of despair to be willing to do that.
I actually don't think everything I did for the A and around the A was about my needs. Funny thing was his needs got met, mine didn't. I totally submerged my needs and he was quite comfortable with that. In fact I believe fully and sincerely he absolutely only "sees" his needs. At one time that might have been different but one year ago that was about it..his needs, his mess, his craziness, his financial issues, his, his his. There was nothing left of me.
No one gets pleasure out of seeing somone suffere the consequences of their actions. I certainly didn't. I get nothing out of knowing the A is probably homeless but I absolutely know these days that I can't do or say anything to "help" him unless he is willing to stop using and he isn't.
I also don't think I ever felt superior to the A, probalby far far inferior since i gave it all to him, I had absolutely no self esteem left by the end. I'm rebuilding it today.
Why beat yourself to a smitereens. You are in a horrible situation, its not your fault exclusively its like that. The A has some major part in it too. I took 300% responsibility for whatever went on in our life for so long. And of course he did blame me for everything.....
