The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hi everybody! I am so glad that I found this forum!
I was having a very hard time, wallowing in a black pit of depression/resentment/fear, using my anger at my A to hurt myself... and then I found this forum! Reading everyone's stories and advice really touched my heart (I was seriously crying in front of the computer @ work!) and showed me that I CAN DO THIS! I can heal myself, I really can!
The most important lesson that I learned from reading your posts was that recovery is a long process, and I can forgive myself for not being able to fix myself immediately or know how to deal with things perfectly every time. I can forgive myself for being imperfect and for making mistakes! I can actually forgive myself!! That's something I've struggled with for a very long time, and to be able to do it is... I don't have the words to describe how relieving it is.
My story: I am 30 years old, engaged and living with my A fiance. (Does that make him an AF? or just an AP?) When we started dating (four years ago), we both drank heavily, smoked like chimneys and generally tried being cool, twenty-something party people. We fell in love and moved in together three years ago, when we were still drinking. I had some epiphanys about where I wanted my life to go, and went back to college, but kept partying with him. I found myself drinking more and more just to keep up with him, but I never could. I started to realize how irritating he was when he was drunk. I would get very angry, and drink to recover the "good" feeling. The whole party thing got old for me, and I started to realize it wasn't working. I tapered off my drinking, and then I started to notice that he would drink all the time, like every week day as well as during "normal" partying hours on the weekends. I guess it was about a year ago when I finally woke up and realized that he was an alcoholic.
Then I started the misguided attempts to help. I'm sure you all know what I mean. I yelled, realized that didn't work and started bargaining. I helped him "make rules" about his drinking, which of course he always broke. Then I would feel betrayed when he drank. I tried to convince him that he was an alcoholic. I left out brochures from my univ. health center about problem drinking. A few times, he promised to quit drinking, managed to stay dry for a couple of months (being a total jerk in the meantime of course) and then would drink again, a little at first, and then every day. Of course I became his judge and jury and counselor. He was "doing this for me." His friends would ask me if it was ok that they drank around him. (I've just now convinced them all to leave me out of it.) We went through several rounds of this cycle: drink/fight/bargain/not drink/fight/drink.
And then one night... I came home to find him drinking AGAIN. I walked right into the bedroom, packed a bag, and walked right out again without engaging with him. I didn't have a car, had to go to school the next morning, but I was DONE with "dealing". I called my best friends, and they picked me up and let me sleep on their couch that night. The next day (when he was sober) I calmly told him that I couldn't do this anymore. He needed to get help. He flailed around some, angrily told me that I was humiliating him, etc. But then he started going to AA. Now he's in therapy. The AA didn't last, but his therapist is wonderful and he's made a lot of progress. He still drinks occasionally, but his eyes are open and he's starting to work through the issues that make him drink in the first place.
Wow. I just realized that just turned into HIS story. LOL Here's MY story: After that night, I've slowly come around to the Al-Anon concepts. I started reading books on codependence and talking with a friend of mine who is going through codependent issues herself. (Her partner is a rage-aholic, not an alcoholic, but codependence is codependence, no matter what.) I've been "working the program" through the books, and slowly learning how to detach. I've made some progress, like calmly going into the second bedroom (which has a door I can close) when he drinks. I'm working on not engaging in conversation when he's drunk or hung over. I'm working on not falling for his apologetic actions after he drinks because now I know that, by apologising, he makes me responsible for his recovery. I'm working on listening to him (we do actally have great communication) without taking responsibility for his recovery.
So we're up to the present. Recently, I was depressed because he is still drinking. I knew I wasn't "supposed to get angry" at him, and focus on me, but I couldn't help it. I didn't realize that I should forgive myself for having perfectly reasonable emotions, own those emotions, and then allow myself to let go of them.
My questions: A lot of the literature deals with how to detach and deal with an A who is still in denial or is abusive or other situations that don't fit mine. I'm having trouble finding advice on living with a recovering A. It's really hard to be focused on my own recovery but also being supportive of his recovery! It makes me worried that I'm not really self-focused or properly setting boundaries and all of that... I think it adds another level of weirdness to the situation to still be living with him and committed to the relationship. IDK, any advice?
Thanks for reading all of this, and I look forward to sharing wisdom and support with everyone here!
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"It's a job that's never started that takes the longest to finish."
~ J. R. R. Tolkien
Some are smarter than others and I had to say wow!! she got a lot in a short period of time. That's not a measuring stick though because "we gets it when we gets it" was the grace I got while struggling with all this new stuff.
Just some support? This isn't a perfect program. Recovery is a simple program worked by complicated people. We don't always have to "get it" and "get it on time." Our mistakes or lacks of awareness is often the best teachers we have. When I took the focus off of her and put it on me and dropped trying to compete with the situation I relaxed. The program is one of "progress not perfection" so don't, as you have already learned, try to get it in the shortest period of time. That won't work...the changes won't stick. Real changes are made when we practice the changes we need into forms of habit. That way we get to keep them more than the off and on "wave riding" member.
Here's more support...at face to face Al-Anon Family Group meetings you can find a sponsor(s) who have solid recovery and behaviors and traits that you like and want who will guide you through events like anger and fear and all the others negative and positive emotions. Get there and get one. You will learn much more about self focus and boundaries and the like at a face to face meeting besides actually going one on one with some of the members after the meeting (The meeting after the meeting it's called) can make the world of difference on understanding and working this thing we call recovery. Alot of my very best understanding was gained over coffee in resturants around town. The ESH shared by the oldtimers was thrilling and the coffee was cheap then. So I got some cheap thrills that saved my life.
Keep coming back here also. There is alot of solid support at MIP.
I think there is tons of literature out there on how to deal with a recovering A. There is also tons of stuff on this board about it. Read the archives. Reading the literature is one thing, practising how to detach is another. Working on ourselves is another. Did you stop drinking yourself?
As I learned more about the disease of alcoholism I finally got that my A wasn't drinking AT me. He has a disease that manifested from his own inner pain, which is why most A's begin to drink in the first place.
It became harder for me to get angry and easier for me to detach when I considered that if I pulled away all the layers, what I was really doing is being angry at his pain (and adding to it) and trying to control it by b*tching (like that's gonna work!) and expecting him to "just stop!". ..do it my way and get sober. If he complained about my defects, caused by my pain, told me just what to do and nagged at me to fix myself his way, got angry with me ....would that fix me? Ha! No!
I have to walk my own path and take my own journey of recovery, just as every A has to if they want it.
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Can you give me some titles of books? You're right, there IS a lot out there! That's why it's so hard to find the right book!. I'll keep looking through the archives. I've been reading at least one every day, just to keep me motivated to change.
Yes, I quit drinking. I guess seeing all the negative things that came with it just turned me off. Now I think about drinking, and it's like "what's the point?" I have a better time with my friends sober than I ever did drunk!
I also quit smoking, which was WAY harder than quitting drinking! (I couldn't do it without bupropion.) My A actually told me that he was jealous that I could just stop drinking so easily. I told him that's because I didn't have the disease that he has.
Baby steps.
__________________
"It's a job that's never started that takes the longest to finish."
~ J. R. R. Tolkien
There is lots of good literature out in the world, but I have found that the most useful was CAL - that is "conference approved literature" - official alanon stuff. And the best place to find THAT is at a meeting. You can buy it, or lots of meetings will just lend out the books to you. I have found that some non alanon literature is not too helpful, as it buys into the myth that we can somehow control their drinking. If you read a lot, eventually you will get an idea of what kind of thing is helpful to you.
The best way I found to support a recovering A was to stay out of it. Put the bulk of your "making things better" energy into your own recovery, and let him recover or not as he will. Your job is to respond if necessary to things he does, not to make sure he does the things you want him to. Either he will grow and change along with you, or you will see that you are getting better all by yourself and maybe don't want to put up with him anymore. Recovery can save your life, but there is no guarantee that it will save your relationship. My husband was in AA, spent a lot of time at it one way and another, but I still have no idea what step he got to, or his relationship with his sponsor, or any other details of his program. We would occasionally discuss certain aspects of the programs if they came up naturally, but that's it.
One thing to do is to work the steps if you put in step one alanon on google you'll find questions and answer them. There other great books on aca issues authors like Claudia Black, Pia Melody, Melody Beattie.
Personally I find books that outline someone's recovery with alcholism useful,Susan Cheever being one of them. In theory we recommend conference approved literture here so it is good to go to the al anon web site and look at how they put the steps and newsletter and one day at a time books.
I am enthused that you stopped drinking. I stopped drinking myself when I was with the A. I did not however really get into recovery until I was here.
Stopping drinking was one huge part of it for me. I made some very very bad choices when drunk Stopping drinking for me made it hugely clear that I would not and could not go out with the A when he was drinking.
I don't think there is a set path for anyone in how to work through specific issues. Personally I work with what comes up, when I can, how I can and keep focused. I have a sponsor and I work the steps with her.
or just an AP?) 
