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I'm an American expat living [for 6 yrs now] in a remote village in Thailand and [mostly happily] married with children [8&10yrs]
to a Thai woman and she is what i call a 'binge drinker' in that she will occasionally [3 or 4 x a year] go off on a drinking binge and drink til stupid or drops or pukes. Not a pretty site for an unforgiving husband to see. I am a moderate drinker and learned discipline and respect for alcohol in my teens, so that makes it all the harder for me to sympathise with her relationship with alcohol.
A little info on Thai culture and Thai relationships with alcohol.......
Thailand rates among the world's highest in per capita consumption, there are whiskey vendors on almost every street corner, they drink in the wats and temple events, they mostly drink til they drop, and alcohol is cheap enough for the average thai worker/farmer to get plastered on a daily basis [and they do]. What I'm saying is that it is deeply ingrained in the culture and the temptations are always there....so that's what I'm battling.
our history re: problem drinking.....
We both drank together at first and soon I discovered that she didn't know when to put on the brakes, so I made rules re: her drinking. basically in moderation....didn't work and 3-4 x a year, she went on a binge on her own [with friends], we had fights, she promised not to do it again, then same same over and over for the last 6 yrs. I even tried bribery in that because I'm the breadwinner in the family, i control the purse strings and cut her allowance if she slipped....didn't work because friends offer free beer.
my history with an alcoholic x-wife........
married to an [alcoholic]American woman for 7 yrs...became unbearable and divorced, left country and became an expat in Asia, and now that i'm 60, I just want to live a simple life happily ever after.
to complicate matters...........
and to add to my stress is the fact that I am the primary caregiver of my 89 yr old father with dementia and recovering from his latest fall. And the weather here is HOT and we are all irritable. and the $ is quickly becoming worthless and we do have local inflation yada, yada, yada
The latest binge...........
last week she went on a mini binge and I over-reacted because my basic rules are IF she drank, then do it at home and don't expose our kids [8 and 10 yrs old] to heavy drinking and for safety, don't drive the kids on the motorcycle. This was at a Buddhist wat event and she broke all the rules.
Anyway, my 'over reaction' led to a fight [not physical] and three days of silence or insults. During one of our sane moments, she told me that she felt like she 'was a bird in a gilded cage' and i thought about it from that angle and in the meantime, i went on line and found you guys and lurked for some info and insight
the last climax......
I returned home from taking my hypochondriac father to the dr's and she greeted me with her plan to separate and leave home and return to her mom's house because of my strict rules. Wanting to save our family and marriage, I countered with 'the door to your gilded cage is now open, do what you want, drink all you want, BUT, please promise me that you will simply respect yourself and your family [me and children] and be safe....you're free to drink!!'
we'll see how this goes.
what I am facing this next week.......
the Thai version of new years, called 'songkran' where the whole country goes on one big drinking and water throwing party and there is mass insanity...driving is dangerous here, even under normal conditions..now add alcohol and buckets of water thrown at you. This next week there will be lots of temptation for drinkers.
Anyway, that's my story, the short version that seems long. Thanks for baring with me.
questions that I have are.....
Did I do the right thing by 'setting her free' ???
How best can I cope with future slips and possible binges?? Am I a control freak??
Welcome Thaiexpat!!! The first thing we learn in al-anon is that we are powerless over the alcoholic. We did not cause their drinking, we can not control their drinking, and we're not going to cure their drinking. That being said, what we CAN do is take care of ourselves. We are the only people that we have ANY control over. Alcoholism is a nasty disease that robs it's victims of dignity, self-worth, and many times EVERYTHING else in their lives (family, friends, jobs, homes, and sometimes even freedom, sanity and life). No one would choose this path. Your wife sounds like she's in the grips of this, and until she realizes how unmanageable her life has become (she hits bottom), then it's unlikely she will find any reason to work at recovery.
You mentioned "setting her free" - what you did was detach. You let go of that false sense of control you thought you had over her and alcohol. We learn in al-anon to "detach with love". You can love your wife, but not go down that scary road with her.
The best way to cope with future slips and possible binges is to take care of yourself. Find some al-anon literature and dive right in. Look into al-anon meetings (you can find out online if there are English speaking al-anon meetings in your proximity). With drinking being so prevalent in Thailand - and so many ex-pats there, you're sure to be able to find some support. Keep coming back here, too, and reading the thousands of posts. I've gotten some very fine wisdom here.
You are not alone in this situation. We've all been where you are. We've all loved alcoholics. We're all learning how to cope with our situations and take care of ourselves. You've got young children who depend on you. The only way you can truly help them is to help yourself first.
On a side note - my brother is an ex-pat living and working in Thailand (Bangkok). I hear quite often about the drinking. (Though some would say it rivals the partying going on here in south Louisiana!)
Anyway - you've found the right place here. I hope you keep coming back.
You change some of the words around a little bit and then you went from west to east and I from the Pacific to the North West and I had divorced my addict and you your alcoholic and and and....You found my story and lived it right on the heels of my own version. One difference might be that I found the Al-Anon Family Groups when married and totally involved in a second addicted marriage, this time an alcoholic. I did everything you did and more and none of it worked. It wasn't supposed to work and I didn't know at that time that I was powerless over alcohol (1st part of the 1st step). I did know that our life had become unmanagable (mine especially) (2nd part of the 1st step). I was 37 then and last Feb 8, I celebrated 29 years in this life saving fellowship. It wasn't about divorcing the alcoholic. It was about divorcing myself from thoughts, feelings and behaviors that couldn't work while the disease was running it's course. I didn't know about alcoholism and didn't know that I didn't know. So I was clueless and found out I had absolutely no chance of making a change unless I got around others who had been where I was or worse and who had found a way out of it and saved their lives and souls.
Listening to you talk about the national alcoholism of Thailand only confirms for me how absolutely powerful this disease is.
Simple program philosophies had profound effect on me, "You did'nt cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it" woke me up and helped me relax my grip on trying to reason with and regulate my alcoholic/addict wife. I stopped drinking with her and stopped trying to teach her "how to drink" LOL (today I am also a member of "them" a recovering alcoholic. Where I thought I was moderate because I rarely got drunk, I found out I was chemically tolerant. I was ill and had been near fatal several times without realizing it.)
My alcoholic also went to her mothers, several times. Our children (step for me) were highly disturbed and suffered mental, emotional and physical pain beyond my imagination as the disease progressed in them after I left. O God it hurt to hear their stories of how their lives went into the cesspool later on in life. The stepson went on to become an alcoholic/addict himself including all sorts of legal and illegal drugs and alcohol. The stepdaughter got sucked into the drugged/pornography industry until she broke loose from it. When I last saw her she was drug free and more stabily employed. The last time I knew their mother, my ex-wife #2 was sober. Miracles do happen when I let go of the uncontrolable.
I empathize with you. You were not that far behind me. You're only several years younger than I and you are male. Males are raised to think we have control or are supposed to and that we are supposed to have the answers and profound leadership only no one raised the what if question during our tutelage. "What happens if you add alcohol(ism) into the picture?" It shoud have been raised beyond alcoholism being a moral issue. It is not a moral issue it is a rampant communicable disease that has infiltrated every corner of this planet and who knows how far out beyond. (LOL again the astronauts have spoken about being under the influence when injected into orbit/space).
I don't know if there are AFG meetings where you are at. Several of my AA friends go east every so often and say they can find "different" AA meetings. See if the local AA chapter can give you information. For me this program ended the pain of living in pain 24/7 without an awareness of recovery. There is recovery for us in the Al-Anon Family Groups.
Keep coming back here also. Good luck to you in your search. (((((hugs)))))
Wow - alcoholism is so prevalent all over this planet.
My AH is mexican-indian, and alcoholism is a biggie in that culture, too. Many of the Hawaiian people, too, are drowning in this disease.
It's such a sad, frustrating thing to watch... it really is.
I find when I get into the zone of wanting to control my AH that I need to take a step back and have some compassion for him and the struggle he's going through.
I'm learning a lot about what the disease is like on the A's end by reading the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. From what I am reading, so very many A's really DO want to just drink like a normal human being. Be able to have one shot and call it good. They recognize the pain they're putting their families and loved ones through and want desperately to control what they're doing... but once they down that first drink... it's over. All reason and good intentions fly out the window without their even realizing it. The disease takes over. Sometimes they might not even admit to themselves that they want the hurt they're causing to stop, but the overall message I get is in some way shape or form, they want to be able to control what they're doing, but the disease renders them incapable of doing so.
For many alcoholics, if they abstain, their bodies start SCREAMING at them for more alcohol. There is a very physical dependence upon the substance.
Most alcoholics only manage to sober up through programs like AA. It appears that the best route to sobriety is one that has a spiritual backing.
So, in knowing that, knowing the secret battle my AH fights on a daily basis with the disease, it gives me some compassion for him. It helps me to separate my resentment of his disease's actions from the man I love.
In any case, recovery in the long run is up the the alcoholic. It is THER job as it is THEIR life. No amount of setting rules, threats, crying, yelling, prodding, etc. on our end will get them to stop. And even if they DO stop, the disease still lives within them, and they will still test us with their alcoholic ways - manipulation, lying, outbursts of anger... it still happens, because every single day they're fighting an internal battle with the disease.
So, knowing that... that THEY don't have control over alcohol makes it impossible for us as an outsider to have any control over it in their lives, too.
All we can do is ACCEPT that we cannot control the alcoholic. And in knowing that, we now need to find out how we can be happy living with a person we are unable to control.
That's where we turn focus to ourselves. Out of all the people in the world we can control, it is OURSELF that we can control. We can decide to be happy whether the alcoholic is drinking or not. Our happiness is not dependent upon whether or not someone else around us is behaving the way we'd like them to.
The more I think about that, the more I recognize how utterly ridiculous of me to ever let my life be dictated by another person's actions. Just as I don't have control over them, neither do they have control over ME.
I hope you can find some Al-anon meetings. Face-to-face meetings are just spectacular. But if you can't get to meetings, you can certainly keep coming back here and also get your hands on some literature and start reading the Al-anon literature.
Just want to welcome you and let you know I think it's fantastic that you're here. This is a POWERFUL program. If you work it, you're going to find some amazing serenity and peace in your life.
Thanks all.....it's reassuring and comforting that others are in the same [or worse] boat than I am. It's funny in that I do feel a sence of freedom by 'setting her free', altho the truth will come [IF] she does slip and I'll find out if I am truely free. As far as meetings for me....that would not be easy, because of our remoteness and the fact that I am really on a short leash with caregiving my 89 yr old father. But, I will try to at least make phone contact with a fellow alanoner. Is there a directory of contacts for alanon in Thailand?? Also, small world that R3 has a brother in BKK and it seems that there are a couple of Hawaii people helping me as well.......Hawaii was my home before comming to Thailand. Small world!! Aloha and mahalo
Unless you are going to follow her around with a handcuff on her hand attached to yours there is really no way to "stop" her from drinking. She's going to do what she's going to do. Try to put yourself in the position of having someone tell you what you can and can't do. Would you be very agreeable with them? It's her life and her choice whether she wants to drink or not. Your choices are about you and the kids. Is it so bad that you can't bear to be around it anymore? For me that was the case.
