The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
After two years, almost, of marriage, and one year of not working, I finally asked the A to leave. This was not easy as I had asked before and he refused. He had even physically made me stay in the house when I wanted to leave, I had been able to file an ex-parte on him last year but the responsibliliteis of the farm caused me to ask him back in.
I live on my mother's farm, she lives with me. We plan to sell the farm have her move into assisted living, she's 85, and I want to go back to graduate school. Unfortunately at this late stage the farm money is tied up in a trust to take care of her needs. I checked with a lawyer on this, there is no way she can give me a gift to get back on my feet.
I'm scared to death. I don't know what lays down this road, but I knew what lay down the other path with the A, a dead end. I would end up right where i'm at or worse.
I have counselors helping work things out but I would appreciate you e,s, & h on this one. I feel like I'm looking down a road that I have no idea where it ends, it's completely in the hands of my higher power.
I am not in your position, but you are a smart and capable person and you can do this. Rely on your HP and try to have faith that this is a wonderful new adventure you are starting on.
In recovery,
__________________
~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
When I separated from my AH, I lived the slogan "one day at a time." Sometimes it was "one hour at a time" or "one minute at a time." My natural inclination was to try to figure out my entire future so that I could feel some sense of control. I had to be diligent and guard against doing that--it pushes me right over the edge into obsession and lots of other bad "isms" that I have.
So, instead of focusing on my future, I figured out "first things first"--what HAD to be done--and then moved on from there. Remember that it is progress and not perfection--baby steps is the most we can expect from ourselves. Just put one foot in front of the other and make sure that you don't isolate--get to as many F2F meetings as you need to feel the love and support that you need right now. Take care of you--remember HALT--don't get too hungry, angry, lonely or tired. Call you sponsor. Call an Al-Anon friend. Don't start believing that you are alone, because you are not alone!!
Yours in Recovery,
SLS
__________________
Do not be anxious about tomorrow; tomorrow will look after itself. The Bible, from Courage to Change, p.138
Wow that is a rough one. I have definitely been too afraid to leave the A. As you well know when I did leave the A my life was a real rough road for a long time and still is. Nevertheless like you I knew I could go nowhere with him.
I can only imagine what you are feeling, sadness, loss, anger and frustration.
I also know that if me the future is very uncertain. Nevertheless the future with him was and is completely bleak. I know for me this last relationship was the last straw in looking at how I relate.
I can imagine this is going to be a difficult transition for you. I left the A with nothing. I wish I had spent more time ahead of time looking at stuff. I wish I could have been more organized.
I also know now that my initial instincts of moving with my pets were correct. I could count on the A for nothing. If anything when I made it clear I was moving he became more belligerant. Since you have mentioned the A has abandonment issues then you can expect he will not be coooperative, plan accordingly.
I also understand with your daughter you have to be pretty careful where you go and where you live has to be in proximity to her father. That must be a tough one with few resources. I would however imagine that you do qualify for help from those agencies that deal with battered women. I know for myself if I did not have my pets I would be staying in long term housing for battered women as that would allow me to get on my feet for 2 years so I would suggest looking at all your options for housing.
Making a plan B is a real task. I wish I had refined my plan b more with resources.
Java, I am also in a position of 100% in HP's hands. I do not know what lies in my future. I have no home, no job, no car, etc. I have a short-term plan and enough money to get me through a couple of months. I am actively seeking a job ANYWHERE and am hoping that my HP will communicate to me through this.
HP also communicates through our al-anon brothers and sisters, through our program.
I know how scary it is to rely 100% on HP and live exclusively on faith. I am scared, too. But its all we have. In a way, we are lucky, perhaps-
I have a little story I want to share about a tiny baby bird who fell from her nest.
This little bird was given to me for temporary care by the person who could not pass her up. This young man picked her up off the sidewalk. He had left her at home the day before but she had gotten out of her box and was wedged behind something when he got home and he did not want to leave her another day because he was afraid she would get hurt. I took her for a few hours while he went to class. I was sitting there with her in a little tin and people came along. Many people stopped and looked at her. She was helpless and hungry. One by one, her needs were taken care of by those much more powerful than her. A young man came along who was a student in science and he went and got some syringes. Another young woman came along who knew of a bird rescue facility near by. She went and searched on line and called them and gave me their location and phone number and hours of operation. Another person went and got some soymilk for the syringe for the bird. Another knew how to feed baby birds. yet another brought the bird a better, warmer house. by the time the first young man returned after his class, the bird was all set. He promptly took her to the bird rescue facility.
This little story demonstrates that the resources are ALL AROUND US very close by, we just need to put ourselves out there for them to appear. This is HP's way of showing us (both you and I) that this is true. A friend told me once that the two most holiest words are Help Me. Hugs, J.
I divorced my A after 14 yrs. What I learned is tht no matter what happens, how bad a day the children or I had , it is never anything in comparison to the damage tht my A caused. Im a better person w out him around, Im more sane now. And my kids know tht if I yell , its becasue of a real reason , not one thts imagined. Be strong , youll be amazed at what you can do on your own. Midget
My ESH is simple. It is what worked for me and nothing else. Get to as many meetings in the next 90 days as you can. Get as much literature on the subject of alcoholism and you and alcoholism and all the other ones too; alcoholism a Merry-go-round named denial etc etc. Listen and learn and learn the 12 steps of recovery and the 12 traditions that keep Al-Anon together and working and successful without any outside leadership and look for a sponsor, someone who has time and characteristics that you want to see in yourself. That is what worked for me. When my alcoholic was gone I was left with the "trouble maker"...ME!! Replacing the alcoholic didn't make things better; without a recovery program life only can get worse. I can't save another person and I have not met another person who would accept the responsibility for me. If I thought the alcoholic was a real prize...guess how screwed up I was?
I had lots of misgivings but the fellowship of the Al-Anon Family Groups stuck with and supported me through it all and taught me to do the same for the newcomer and member who was struggling.
The outcome? I have a life that is not perfect and one that I wouldn't trade even in the hardest of times for any other promise out there. I am not afraid. I am not lonely. I am not without help and support. I am not without an opportunity to work this program and to help someone else on their journey also.
Your alcoholic is gone...so now what? Call the hotline number if you are not already attending face to face meetings. If you are get to as many as you can. (check out Aloha's post on meetings often a couple days ago). Put a picture of yourself on your to do list and get to work on your real program. It works when you work it.
One thing you could do is look for volunteers, people who want to work in sustainable industries to help out with the farm. There are web sites where people are offered room and board for help in running organic farms and more.
Transitions are very difficult. I am in year 2 of the transition and I think its going to take me a few years. Nevertheless I have to say after year 1 I do feel that life is going to be better in the future. I don't know how but I do know it will be better.
I think it's kind of exciting. I mean really we never know what's going to happen ever right? We assume things are going to go a certain way and many times they don't. I see it as similar to the chaos of living with an A only you get to have SOME control and you get to make the decisions for yourself. My only suggestions are to look into financial aid IE loans, grants, scholarships. That is a great place to start.
