The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Yes, Dorthy was right...there is no place like home...And that's exactly where I am...I'm home...with Michael... Yesterday was a very LONG, TRYING day. It started out good..kind of... He was driving me to the allergist because the kids were getting tested. My daughter is thankfully not allergic to ANYTHING, but unfortunately had a foreign object in her ear. THAT was actually kind of interesting. The Nurse Practioner was looking in her left ear and says "OH! Does she have tubes?" My mom and I looked at eachother like WTF? and go "uh NOOOOO" and the NP laughed and said "Well, she's got something in here then." GREAT! They had nothing to get it out, so she went through her testing (bless her little 5 y/o heart and back) and NO allergic reactions to anything!! Big brother didn't get his done because he thought that something life threatening would happen. Ok NP said that blood work can be done. So, off to the family doc to get this object removed from her ear. His nurse flushed it out with water. It was a small peice of plastic from a calculator and was the same size as her ear canal. No damage done doc said that it DID wind up touching her ear drum and that was a little red, but it should heal up nicely. Off to the store we went for ice cream because she did so wonderfully with the allergy testing. Got back to mom's around 12:30 in the afternoon. LONG STRESSFUL morning.
Before all this happened on the way to the allergist, Michael and I talked and I told him about the conversation I had with my friend and Michael said that if that's what I wanted to do, then go. Fine. We broke up. End of story, so I thought.
Got to mom's and there was a voice mail from Michael saying he needed to ask me something and asking for me to call him back. I did, no answer. I checked my email and recieved 2 from him apologizing and telling me he wants to be with me and doesn't want to lose me yada yada yada. I try to call him back again, no answer. I'm eating my sandwhich and he pulls up in the driveway. I went out and talked to him and he said he'd been thinking and that he want's me and wants me to come home. He said that he realized that he does not want to be without me. I told him that I wasn't going to be with the friend. That wasn't my plan. He misunderstood when I told him about all this and thought I'd been wanting to be with the friend for the past year. I said NO. I also told him I wasn't able to be with someone knowing they are not able to ever fall inlove with me. Care about me is fine for them, but I need to be and feel loved. The friend is not capable of that. I told Michael that I don't know where I stand with him from one minute to the next and I can't live that way. I told him that I needed to know that I am one of the most important things in his life, not THE most important because he has kids and his sobriety, but ONE of the most. He understood everthing I said and how I feel. He was honest about things with me. And told me he wanted us to work things out. I told him that he needed to communicate with me more. That is one of the major things that has changed since he quit drinking that I can't get used to. He agreed and now I'm home. More things were said and more things were understood. No promises were made as we both know that's useless. Promises were made to be broken.
At any rate, I'm home. I pray that things remain positive within him. That his attitude leans closer to the positive side of things. It will take time and understanding and COMMUNICATION. He said today that he's happy and that just like not drinking, he will take this relationship one day at a time. And that's all I ask.
Thanks everyone for the wonderful ESH you've given me during this difficult time. It's more appreciated than you'll ever know.
I am so happy for you! I believe this is very real for men! I don't understand it but somehow they come to realize their mistake when someone else is interested? Good for you that you were honest! Could have really been a mess if you hadn't been paying attention to what you really wanted.
You are so strong. Keep working your program and so glad to hear your spending so much time with kids!
Love and best wishes.. and I'm gonna keep praying for you!
i went back to the A at a drop of a hat so many times I lost count. Last summer when he was homeless and I stepped in one more time, I did not live with him. I sat back and watched all the promises, all the total commitments he pledged and waited. Sure enough when he didn't get what he wanted he pulled the rug right out from me. I was also in this group and being confronted all the time about how I was willing to go to any lengths for him and it wasn't mutual.
Of course for me it felt absolutely totally "right" to go back to the A because my commitment was to the relationship (the idealized one not the real one) and not to "me". I was also not ready to let go. I think if I did not have this program letting go for me would be death actually.
I was always absolutely totally ready to re-commit to the A no matter what he did, no matter how many law issues he had, no matter how much he had abused me, no matter what mess he was in. I never ever wanted to let go. I wanted that relationship more than I wanted to breathe. I would have moved, taken other jobs, sold my belongings anything to make it work. In the end I could no longer deny that his addiction had stolen that dream. I also after 3 years of being here I'd had to admit my own really intractable codependence makes it pretty much impossible for me to be in a healthy relationship because I have to learn new skills and mourn my old way of being first.
For me the issue was never about communication. I communicated night and day with the A about what was "wrong". There was also no question he'd certainly stick around as long as everything, absolutely everything was "his" way. I'd never lose him then. But I stopped being able to do that. I stopped being able to justify standing on my head morning noon and night and giving myself away endlessly so I could have a relationship, so I wouldn't be alone and so I could dream that I had someone to count on when I never ever did.
Big brother didn't get his done because he thought that something life threatening would happen. Ok NP said that blood work can be done. So, off to the family doc to get this object removed from her ear. His nurse flushed it out with water. It was a small peice of plastic from a calculator and was the same size as her ear canal. No damage done doc said that it DID wind up touching her ear drum and that was a little red, but it should heal up nicely. Off to the store we went for ice cream because she did so wonderfully with the allergy testing. Got back to mom's around 12:30 in the afternoon. LONG STRESSFUL morning.
Jennifer 