The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am due to return to the general vicinity of where my AH lives. Where I used to live. All the people I used to know, who used to know the AH and I.
I am scared.
One of the things I am most afraid of is the yelling. I have been having massively painful feelings of being yelled at by the AH for the majority of our marriage. Really really painful feelings. So far, I have talked about them in my al-anon groups but its still really intense. I know that the more I bring them out (these fears) the better I will feel and the more relief I will feel from this incredibly pain.
I had a realization last night after a meeting. In the meeting, the main speaker brought up the horrible yelling in his own marriage (pre-recovery) and how he needed to stop participating in it for it to stop. He read the two entries for "courtesy" in ODAAT which are so powerful, especially the Feb 17th one about violent fighting in the home.
It brought up a lot of old bad memories for me. But I need to remember. And accept.
I realized later that the reason why my AH's yelling is so incredibly effective in pulverizing me right down into the ground (literally, he yells and does not allow me to leave so I end up on the floor in a ball) is that I BELIEVE WHAT HE IS YELLING ABOUT. I mean, I know intellectually that its all disease and lies. But still, in my heart, I believe all the horrible things he yells at me about. How I am having affairs (I never ever have), doing everything wrong, thinking wrong, acting wrong, speaking wrong, you name it, its wrong. I just keep buying buying into it.
I do know that when I get there I need to get a sponsor (I do not have one now) and do my 4th step so that will galvanize me by strengthening what I know about myself. Does anyone have any ESH re: trying to change yourselves this way (building up self esteem so that your spouse cannot break u)? Thanks, J.
The A who I was with did a lot of yelling. He continued to do that. In fact when he last came to pick up some stuff from storage he started the yelling. I removed myself from him. I continue to remove myself from him.
I'm not sure how or why you are going back into the proximity of the A but you can remove yourself when he yells. I remove myself when people yell at me.
I absolutely for most of my life felt I had no choice.
When I left the A I encountered two psychopath roommates who were into yelling. My only tactic with them was not to participate. Whenever they tried to interact with me I stopped. I complained they were harassing me to the landlord.
I felt really bad having to remove myself but I did and I started to feel stronger. I felt totally beaten down by the yelling they did. I also felt betrayed by the people who continued to interact with them.
Recently another room mate yelled at me one morning I simply didn't play into it. That takes a lot of work. Detachment isn't perfected overnight. I have to practice it. For me its practising with the 5 lb weight rather than the 300 lb weight first. If I were to interact with the A it would be the 300 lb weight. I have not done enough practice with the 5 lbs weight to graduate to interacting with him. At the moment I don't have to. At some point in my life I don't doubt I'll deal with other psychopaths and other A's (its inevitable) that's one reason I practice detaching daily in lots of ways. I used to over-react to everything, I practice not over reacting and its hard going.
I've always had a thing with being yelled at too. My sponsor helped me track it back to my Step-dad's yelling at me when I was a kid. Thankfully my A very seldom yelled but when he did it gave me the fear of a 5 yr old. My Dad was a Seargant in the Army (and then a cop) so his yelling came naturally, but to me it was scary as h*ll.
My sponsor also helped me to see when anyone's yelling occurs it is their own pain, insecurity or whatever, exploding out like a volcano. It's rarely about the issue at hand.
Remembering that is pain they own, and remembering that I don't have to take it on and make it mine, really helped me to see and feel it differently.
Christy
__________________
If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Christy and Maresie, thanks for your ESH. I know its from my childhood, being yelled at all the time by my A mom. Its just such a deep wound. I know that this is an engraved invitation to heal that very wound. I am doing my best to "stick with it" and not deny, hide, ignore, etc. my feelings and the realities of what has happened both back then and now.
I know intellectually that they are spewing volcano's. I know that in my brain but its harder for my heart and guts to know that. I do not know what else to do but ask HP for willingness to heal my heart and my gut. I gotta be able to stand up, keep my head up and not cower (i.e buy into it) in the face of this verbal abuse. I have a program now. I am an adult with lots of great experience and skills, I do not need to become a child in the face of this. Hugs, J.
I think someone who won't let you leave is abusive personally. There is a lot of stuff out there on abusive relationships. I know the A who I was with was and s very controlling and isolating. He did not want me to have any friends. When he suceeded in that he celebrated it. He specialized in embarassing me. He used to come and and pick me up at work, he never wanted to do it so he'd sabatage it. Really he wanted to do as little as possible in the relationship. I spent years cajoling him. I now accept it. He wanted from him but did not want to give. He pretty much expects that now. He was at his happiest when I just gave.
Personally I think he wanted some idealized thing that doesn't exist. But that was what he set his heart on and if I didn't provide it he'd try to enforce it.
I can totally understand that many many people are in pain and anxious and in "need". I used to think it was my life mission to "help" them. Now I think its my life mission to take care of me and do so without hurting others. I can take care of me without allowing others to enroach all over me. Yelling is intrusive, invasive and upsetting. I don't yell at my dogs anymore. They actually behave much better as a result.
When the two psychopath roommates went I was happy. I totally understand they've taken their yelling and screaming and pain elsewhere and someone else is getting it but it isn't me. I don't have to be the receptacle for anyone's pain anymore.
Since it sounds like you're just going to be living in the vicinity of him, maybe you can get it to a point where if you meet with your AH for any reason, it is always in a public place or you always have at least one friend present, so if he explodes on you, he can't corner you and you can safely leave.
I think what the others have been sharing sounds helpful, too - reminding yourself in his explosive rages that it's the disease talking through him, so if a point ever does come where he corners you, you can at least not believe what he's telling you.
It sounds like silence from you just triggers more anger from him - but maybe instead of trying the silent route, maybe take the wind out of his sails by saying "you know, maybe you're right" (but you KNOW, don't believe he IS right for an instant!) If you say the "maybe you're right" thing, though, I wouldn't go into details about why he may be right (because then that would take you to that place of starting to believe his crap). Just maybe that'll take the fight out of him.
Just remember you always, always, always have your HP, and your HP will watch your back if you ask it to.
Thanks Aloha, I will try that. It is something I have not tried (the "maybe you are right" thing) because I am afraid it will further embolden him because he KNOWS he is right...but it may work. Its worth a try.
But it feels like lying. It feels like manipulation to do this and I do not have enough program under my belt (or experience working it) to know really well when I am heading down into manipulation land. I would rather be completely above board and keep everything as honest as possible.
I gotta face this thing and the reason is because of ME. It is a time to heal ME. I cannot turn and run (I would love to, believe me- turn and run straight to an attorney's office to start the divorce). I gotta stay for ME. J.
Maresie, I understand so well what you are saying about being the dump tank for someones yelling and pain 24/7. I simply can no longer do that. I also used to think I could "take it" and was such a loving person that it did not matter how anyone treated me- I was made of unconditional love and could embrace it all and not get hurt. WRONG. The resentments built. I gave and took care of and "loved" and spiralled down and down. You know exactly what I am talkin' about, I know. thanks Maresie- your post reminds me I have choices. Hugs, J.
The only way to take this wind out of this A's sails is to leave. Hang up the phone, walk away, get in the car, whatever. That is all there is to it. If he can conduct himself with courtesy, I will stay. if he cannot, i will go. It just needs to be that simple. If he chooses to take an action that prevents me from leaving, that is physical abuse and I will file for divorce. Maybe I should let him know this ahead of time. ESH, please. J.
hello from scotland,anon member 9yrs,1st time in miracles in progress.you have a choice whether you are willing to accept unacceptable behaviour, it's ok to do what is best for you,whether others like it or not.you are a valuable person, place a high value on yourself and don't let this illness belittle you. one day at a time,the task before you is no greater than the power behind you.
If he chooses to take an action that prevents me from leaving, that is physical abuse and I will file for divorce.
Jean, my fear is that you'll be going back into this on eggshells. What are your expectations? Is he a changed man? Do you know? Do you have any reason to expect that he will be any different than he was two years ago? As you well know, if nothing changes, nothing changes. This may well be the man you walked away from two years ago....and not to have some "ground rules" going back in, seems a little scary. (at least for me it would be)
You seem like a very self confident woman - and from the way you described your time with AH - that's not the way you were the last time he saw you. Will your new confidence threaten him? Where's your line in the sand? Are you willing to work towards getting where you want to be with your AH, or is your mindset more "unless things are different upon my return, then I'm filing for divorce"?
These are just questions I'm throwing out there for you to consider. Your responses are obviously your private business. I throw those out there, because these are the very questions I have floating in my head as I toy with the idea of reconciling with my A. Mine's not an abusive situation, but more of a "manipulation and using me" situation. Those are my triggers for flight. My line in the sand.
Trust your gut. You've got a good head on your shoulders and your well equipped with your al-anon tools.
I'd be so scared going back to something like that, personally. My AH only fights when provoked for the most part, so I don't have him constantly attacking me out of the blue - and he never corners me physically (although he can still "corner" me in the verbal sense if I'm engaging in a full-blown argument with him).
But I picture how things would be if I were to go back to my ex. My ex was crazy out of his mind - he'd also not let me leave his presence if either of us were upset. That was a dangerous time for me, because I started to become physically violent to get out of being cornered, throwing stuff at him, screaming at the top of my lungs... I was not a pretty picture.
So, if I were ever in the position where I found myself having to return to my ex, I think I'd definitely take those questions R3 has asked to heart.
Jean, I'm going to be very honest with you and voice some concerns I have had with you going 'back home'.
I realize that the only thing I have to go on is all of your posts I have read the past several months on what it was like for you in the marriage.
I have to admit, I hold you close to my heart and in my prayers daily because I can relate to so many of your posts, and you have traveled in your education where I am attempting to go. You are a role model for me.
The hair on the back of my neck stood up when you talked about curling up in a ball while the violent verbally abusive beatings went on. Jean, that IS abuse, no ifs ands, or buts. It is no lesser abuse just because he isn't hitting you directly.
For me, the verbal/emotional beatings were harder to handle than the physical ones, and I'd find myself wishing he would just hit me and get it over with.
It's been over 21 years now since I left him, and if someone comes up behind me and slaps me too hard on the back, like a guy did at an AA meeting, it is still automatic for me to whip around and draw back my fist.
I had nightmares for YEARS after I left him, waking up screaming because he was beating on me again in my dreams, emotionally and physically.
Just a phone call from him would set those nightmares off with a frequency I wouldn't wish on anyone, and I had a STRONG program of recovery.
Some scars run very deep, and time CAN lessen them, but they never completely go away.
I have watched your progress with much gladness of heart, and I don't understand why you feel you must go back there for 'you', but that is your decision to make, and I respect whatever your decision is.
Had I gone back to the hubby after I found recovery, I have no doubt he would have killed me, either by physically beating me to death, or verbally/emotionally beating me till I did the job myself.
There was nothing left for me to 'prove' to myself. An abuser is an abuser, and if nothing changes, nothing changes.
I am very concerned for you. I think you are a strong, beautiful, and caring lady.
I don't understand your decision, I don't agree with it, but as I said, I will respect it.
For my own peace of mind, I just needed to let you know my feelings. (((hugs)))
PS. Wanted to add that my sponsor told me once that sometimes healing isn't walking back into the battlefield, but having the strength to walk away from it.
-- Edited by Tenderheartsks at 18:56, 2008-04-09
__________________
"If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience." - Woodrow Wilson
aloha, THSKS, R3, maresie, mags, christy thank you for your loving ESH. I am scared and I feel good having you to talk to about this here. Thank you for helping to create a safe place for me to talk about this. i really do not know what to do. Thank you for taking the time to write what you each did. I need your honesty, I need for you to be straight with me here.
I need to think about what you have written, your questions and your comments, take it to heart and digest it. I will write more soon. I love each one of you unconditionally in serenity, J.
Letting him know ahead of time sounds like a really good idea. Especially since you really want to be above board and honest. He is of course going to expect the same old same old. I see no harm and maybe some benefit in warning him that you being around is conditional now on his behaving respectfully. I did that with my A, though he is not a yeller. He still had many disrespectful habits that I could no longer tolerate. So I let him know that the disrespectful attitude would have to change or that would be it.
One thing my mom always said when I was growing up, too, is to raise your head and look them in the eye and don't flinch. Do not cower because as you know that just gets them exactly what they want. If you stand straight and tall then you can leave or stay depending on how far they want to push, but you will do it with dignity. And standing up straight and tall is easy to practice and practice and practice, before you get there. I'm sure you will have no trouble visualising him screaming in your face for practice.
Anyway, that's my esh. Hope it helps.
Love in recovery,
__________________
~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
After reading THSKS post, I have to say I wondered about why you feel the need to go back too. I want you to know that I care about you and support you whatever you decide to do. I do hope you have a long hard think about why you need to put yourself through this again. Is it just because you see yourself as weak, because that is not at all what I see in your posts. A person is not weak just because they have been abused. My mom also used to say that everyone in this world will eventually find someone bigger, stronger, faster, or smarter (or more willing to use evil tactics). There is no shame in retreat from a battle you cannot win. (Yes I do thank my mom for some of the lessons she gave me, even if she did bring the first A into my life.)
Anyway there is one more thing to think about. Hope it helps. One way or another I think you will make the decision with your eyes open.
Love in recovery,
__________________
~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
the verbal abuse does and will ramp up and turn into physical abuse with an active A. I thought that I could control it and him. I couldn't. As a result, I suffered numerous bruises, ligament damage to an already bad knee and two black eyes before I gave up and got out before he could kill me. The last attack ended only after I broke a chair on his leg to get him off of me.
the program only works if you work it. I wanted to get healthy as soon as I started Al-Anon three years ago this month. But that's not how it works. I had to get a sponsor, work the steps, read the CAL literature, attend meetings (Al-Anon and AA), get involved in service work, etc. The steps are laid out in the order that they are for a reason. It was only after I got a sponsor and really worked them that I began to see changes in myself.
Be gentle with yourself, protect yourself, if you are afraid of him don't meet him unless it is in a public place, if he start to get antagonistic then leave, and call 9-11 if he threatens you. At a certain point, it is impossible to know for sure whether the active A is just pulling the usual mind games and manipulation or if the A is really going to follow-through...my HP was with me and I finally asked for help before it was too late. Trust your HP and your gut and take care of YOU.
Yours in recovery,
SLS
__________________
Do not be anxious about tomorrow; tomorrow will look after itself. The Bible, from Courage to Change, p.138
Something I have learned recently is abuse is seperate from addiction and or mental illness. An abuser is not always an A and an A is not always abusive. That was a tough one for me to understand as I always believed that my ex was abusive because of his addiction. And that is what he told me. But having been out for awhile now and having started really looking at the abuse (verbal, physical, emotional, finacial and sexual) that I lived thru with the ex, I would never ever wish any of it on anyone. Abusers do not change without a ton of hard work and much therapy and a desire to change. Abusers are abusers at their core. It is a core belief of theirs. Until that is changed there is no hope that they will not abuse. It is different than the addiction side IMO and with lots of research it IS a choice they make.
When I tried to apply my program to the abuse, it didn't work. The abuse escalated. There is no way I could take responsibilty for being abused. I played NO part in it, I did NOT contribute to it. And in fact trying as hard as I did to "see" my part in it made it worse. Gave him just one more way to use and abuse me, manipulate me. When I finally took my responsibilty, I took myself out of the relationship.
I see the others have asked why you would want to put yourself back into that situation. I went back many times for many reasons and one was to just "check" to see if anything had changed. I don't know what your reasons are, but just be careful. Domestic Violence is a crime. What you describe your H doing is illegal and you can have him arrested and charged. And yes, Jean, it really was that bad. I don't know about you, but I have this little voice in my head that says "come on, it wasn't THAT bad.....you're over reacting...." But ya know what? It was that bad and I didn't over react.
I had one really bad counclior who had no clue when it came to abusive relationships and when I told her that he would scream at me and scare me, physically intimidting me her advice was to stay put. He complained that I always ran away or left the room, I didn't engage and that made him angrier and the therapist's advice was to stand there and look him in the eye and take it. And when I did, he hit me. There is no right way to deal with an abuser. All that we know about communication, you can toss that right out the window. Abusers are from a different planet. The "rules" don't apply. So, don't count on anything. Have no expectations and do not think that this program can save you from further harm because even Lois says that if there is physical violence in the relationship then you should leave immediatly. There is no way to protect yourself enough from an abuser. Detatchment can and does make it worse. Just be very very careful. And stay honest with yourself. Much luck and love and many prayers comming your way!
Abusers are abusers at their core. It is a core belief of theirs. Until that is changed there is no hope that they will not abuse. It is different than the addiction side IMO and with lots of research it IS a choice they make.
I had one really bad counclior who had no clue when it came to abusive relationships and when I told her that he would scream at me and scare me, physically intimidting me her advice was to stay put. He complained that I always ran away or left the room, I didn't engage and that made him angrier and the therapist's advice was to stand there and look him in the eye and take it. And when I did, he hit me. There is no right way to deal with an abuser. All that we know about communication, you can toss that right out the window.
These two particular passages really rung a bell for me, Serendipity. You are so right. Abuse is a completely separate issue. That isn't to say that being under the influence of alcohol or drugs won't exacerbate what is already there, because I have lived that first hand.
The first time my husband hit me, he was stone cold sober. The tearful apology came soon after, and then he said the words that set the pattern for me to accept the abuse for years. "I've never hit a woman before."
I believed him. I bought it hook, line, and sinker that there was obviously something terribly wrong with me that would make a man hit me.
There was a lot of verbal/emotional abuse before that first slap across my face ever happened.
It never got better. I was thrown into walls, body slammed to the floor, slapped across the face, smacked across the back of the head, and I will never forget the time he threw me down the wooden steps to the basement in a drunken rage. I laid there sobbing and heard his heavy footsteps coming and knew I was going to die at his hands.
Then one day I decided to take a stand and look him straight in the eye without flinching or moving. That one brought the worst beating of all.
You are so right. An abuser is an abuser to the core. Rage-aholics get progressively worse, just as an active alcoholic will.
No amount of program, no amount of recovery under my belt, no amount of faith in God was going to keep me safe had I chosen to walk back into that situaton after I finally left.
He tried his best, called constantly for several months, cajoled, pleaded, begged, threatened, screamed, and even cried.
The decision not to go back saved my life.
__________________
"If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience." - Woodrow Wilson
My parents were not screamers--they rarely raised their voices. If they did, something was really wrong. My in-laws are yellers. They can't go an hour without raising voices over even the most stupid of things--no addictions that I know of, just their style. Being niave and simple when I married, I thought their son would be different . But the fruit doesn't fall far from the tree.
Add together that AH has addictions and came from a family that can't have a conversation at a decent sound decible, and it was a perfect recipe for shattering my peace. All was fine the first few years of our marriage as he was probably constantly high (again, I was young and stupid, HP help me). But the first sign of a bump in the road--and the let the yelling commence. I guess because I wasn't used to it, it was terrible, especially as it has almost always been directed at me... Rice again? Do you have to watch that? Couldn't you see that this needs cleaning?
I've got different problem as my AH is easier to deal with when high. He tends to be verbally abusive when he's sober.
I try to get out of the way when he's in one of those moods, avoiding the yelling. If the yelling begins, I try to remove myself from it (which usually makes him angrier--reminding me of toddler tantrum when you leave them to yell it out). It was during one of his rants about something dumb that he couldn't change last fall when something in my brain clicked--I don't want to live with this any longer. I have two children so I didn't act on it then, but I intend to if it keeps up.
He's been on his best behavior for the past week or so since I confronted him concerning a drug stash I found. Typical pattern is that he will be all sweetness for several weeks and then slowly lapse back into his biting ways. He thinks things are all peachy-keen now that he's on his best behavior--a couple of weeks of his charm should make me forget the past 20 years of this @#*@. I find myself bracing for the first sign of the raised voice.
I don't think I offered much advice, did I? I can offer my empathy and prayers, however....
Some really great ESH here - I never thought that there would be very real differences between an abusive person and an addict, as the addict's disease brings out nasty things... but an abuser doesn't need a substance to bring out the abuse.
I see a big difference between my ex and my AH. My ex was borderline abusive, and was MUCH worse when high. My AH is really a kind, compassionate man - he's just extremely defensive, but never just spews hateful crap at me out of the blue and never EVER has left me feeling physically threatened. I think of the two of us (between the AH and I), I'm probably the one at greater risk to be an abusive person than him (based on my throwing stuff at my ex).
I'm grateful to see the lines drawn between an abuser and an addict.
I feel so well loved, accepted and supported here, you guys.
I feel this is a very serious situation, too. I will email you THSKS, soon.
I am going back on eggshells, R3. I can see that now and I thank you for pointing that out. thank you for helping me to see.
I am trying so hard to stay open and willing regarding this marriage but I need to accept the fact that I am not there no matter how hard I pretend I am, I am not. I am really scared. My fears may or may not be real- this is the hardest part: trusting myself. I have this distorted thinking and its so hard for me to see sometimes, its like I am blind.
I have so many good, positive and successful friendships and family relationships in my life right now. I know I am not a total social idiot nor am I an abusive manipulative criminal.
In a recent meeting someone talked about loving themselves MORE than the A/addict. Loving ourselves more to take us out of harms way, to make the right decisions, etc.
I have been going to meetings daily, thankfully. I have been reading the literature a lot. I will figure this all out. One moment at a time and thank you for your thoughts, views, perspective, ESH and prayers, I really need 'em right now- thank you. hugs, J.
PS: someone told me that the two most sacred words are: Help Me- I can really see what he meant.
I remember the first time I said "I love you but I can't allow you to talk to me that way" and turned and walked out the door. Seems like such a small thing, but it took all my courage. I don't know if I could have done it when he was drunk - probably not. Before that, the only times I'd be able to face the yelling were when I lost my temper, and then I was yelling too. That almost always had a bad outcome....
As others have said, take care of yourself. Yes, it's good to face the fears, but be realistic - sometimes there is a real and solid reason for you to be afraid. Fear can be a helper - it can warn you that you are in danger.
Thank you Serendipity, for making the clear distinction between an A and a true abuser. Obviously my mothers advice that I quoted earlier would not work with a real abuser. I will be careful to try to make that distinction myself in the future. Though this has worked for me in the past (with normal people, not a real abuser), I would not want to tell someone something that would mislead them into getting hurt.
Jean- I know you will do what is right for you. Just keep yourself safe.
Love in recovery,
__________________
~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
Thank you all so much for these posts and your sharing, a light bulb has just come on for me.
I also find that the more I work the programme the more abusive hubby becomes. I thought this was because I simply wasn't buying into the denial anymore- I really thought that he was abusive because of alcoholism but reading your posts I realise I was wrong.
I just got back from a meeting (attending 1 a day, like a vitamin) and in it we were talking about how we can choose to change our perceptions. One of the things I have been doing is feeling very negative about "going back". Feeling afraid, angry, feeling like he has all the power in the situation.
Upon further reflection, all that is my stinking thinking. here is the truth (thanks to al-anon tools).
first of all, I got a fellowship ($ and recognition) through a competitive process to make a piece of art in a sculpture park north of where AH is going to be. In addition, I have successfully raised funds to complete the financial picture so that that project can "happen" fully, including flying in a colleague from Hawaii to assist me for a couple of weeks.
I am due to be at the sculpture park May 19-July 19. I have it all set up and ready to go, so I am "set" till then. The park consists of a giant house with a massive kitchen where all the artists and interns live communally. I will be safe there and part of a "crew" that is occupied and bustling pretty much 24/7 including a bunch of "iron head" sculptor people with big muscles. Its a good place with a lovely garden, hard working artists, etc. I will not be alone and I will not be far from al-anon- I will be literally 15 minutes from one of the top recovery facilities/communities in the world- Hazelden (think melody b., all the readers you own that are not al-anon ones)
I am not "going back". because I am not the old me- so in fact, I am "moving on" to my next life adventure, just like when I moved here 3 years ago to attend grad school. Yes, I am going to place I lived before but in a way, its got to brand new because I have a program, I have tools, HP sits first and foremost in my life, etc. I have faith that all is well and it is and it will be. its my stinking thinking and my fear that will take me away from my serenity and allowing the stinking thinking and fear to permeate my life is a CHOICE. the truth is that I am well cared for.
I love myself more than any A. I value myself and my well being first and foremost. I have so much to offer the world and the people I come into contact with.
HP has paved the way for all of the above to happen. All I need in order to complete the picture is a car and I KNOW HP will have one there waiting for me when I get back to the mainland- a great used car at just the right price! i do not care what it looks like, just so it runs well enough to last me one year at a price I can afford! I know this car will be there because it would not make a lick of sense for HP to provide all of the above and NOT provide the car, too-
I will be safe, I will be working, I will be well cared for. I have a program. I have tools. I am A-OK. I just needed to spin it in the other direction: not one of fear and anger and "going back" into the cage but of new beginnings, new frontiers, new car, new jobs, new people, bright possibilities and hope. God, I love this program. Hugs, J.
WOW Jean, that must have been one hell of a meeting!!!! Isn't it amazing how this program can screw our head back on straight?!?!? Of course you are an intelligent, successful, strong, confident woman. But we all sure know how to go down that path of insecurity real fast when we're thinking about dealing with the A. I'm SO glad you got to that meeting and the heard things you needed to hear today.
