The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have given him chance after chance after chance!!! I am so done with it all! Why do I continue to put up with it? WHy do I continue to allow myself to be so miserable? Why do I keep calling my attorney to finally say, "OK.I'm ready to file for the divorce", but keep hanging up? I think the last one is because I am afraid of the unknown.
We are broke...and when I mean broke, I mean majorly!!! So, what happens? He can go stay at his parent's second home for free, but who will pay my rent? (we currently rent the home we live in) I am a stay at home mom, so I have no income. I found an attorney willing to help me out upfront and not charge me, but I gotta pay him back eventually.
If we are broke, A's job is going no where and is not bringing in an income, then how does he pay child support? Do I just stick with it until we do have money? But, i really don't want to live with an A anymore. and no, he won't move out, bc I suggested that.
I totally hate my life right now. I want peace. THat's it.
Before I could stop constantly running these thoughts through my head I had to get to the point where I really put all the responsibility on me. For example: without him I would need to take all the responsibility pay all own bills and not just that but be "able to deal" with all of life. But actually when living with an A I'm having to do this anyway, so the difference? The difference is frame of reference or rather my attitude. If I live by myself I will have no one to "blame" it on. So I've tried to start living as if it is all up to me. Even though I have not left him and may not want to do so but I can't keep blaming him for everything. I need to get my messes straightened out be independent without major troubles than I'll be in a better place to know if it is the stress of the stuff that I don't want or if I don't want him. Either way I will have a more stable view of life when I am taking personal responsibility. Kinda doesn't work with the traditional "man takes care of woman" thing I was raised with but I don't have that anyway so I'm trying to work on being more independant because regardless of how I twist and turn and plan and wish, for me the idea that someone is gonna "take care of me" just isn't here. More difficult with small children, which I don't have now, I would be sure but I think I will be happier when I let go of the dream that someone will take care of me and realize the dream of being able to take care of myself. Doesn't seem fair, or what we may think was "supposed to be" but it is reality. I try to pick one or two small area's at a time where I can effect positive change without his even being involved or being in a position to "block" my efforts. Before long I feel more control of my life and well being even if not totally independent yet? Face to face meetings will help if your not already going?
Making a plan b is pretty hard stuff. This time last year I was executing a plan b. When I felt tremendous fear around it I kept pushing on it. How could I leave, what could I do? What was I going to do. When I left the A I had nothing, no income nothing. I found an agency that helped me with my rent (they are out there). I let go of lots of stuff. I moved (well I had to since the A got us evicted). I worked at what I could for a long while. I certainly am still under employed and more.
There are lots of questions in making a plan b, working through them is tough going. You have this board to come to with all of it, the anger, the grief, the fear. This is a great place to put it out there.
Get a therapist, they can help. I had a therapist last year she helped me a lot and put me onto the place that helped me with rental assistance. All of that kind of fell into place after a while.
Did I lose a lot in leaving the A, certainly. I also gained a lot though and I try to work on a plan b all the time. Right now I have to plan b to get out of where I am living now. That is going to be a real hard slog. I am working on it though. What are your choices?
Mine were very very similar when I left the A. He was down to nothing, living on nothing, he eventually became homeless. He would refuse to access anything to help him, he refused to make choices. I helped him till I couldn't help him anymore.
Then I started to help myself. I'm still in process. I am no longer on overwhelm but believe me many days I am fed up and feel defeated then I get back up and start working on it again.
Leaving the A was one of the hardest things I have done but he put me in a position where I had absolutely no choice whatsoever.
Hi, I moved out with 3 kids and am making it. I just filed for divorce last week after being separated for 20 months. Any possibility his parents will let you and the kids go to the second house without him??? I know how you feel, that waiting it out, waiting for the right time, eventually I finally go to the point where I realized there was NO right time. Things weren't going to get better, only worse. I don't know if your situation is the same.
You are so not alone! I have been in your shoes, totally. I know deperation and despair. I also know now that even though it didn't seem so, I have always had choices. You have choices. You have options. I am still struggling with realizing that I have choices... So often I want someone to choose for me... We cannot wait for people to choose for us. We need to take action. We need to take care of ourselves. I am learning that little by little everyday. No, you are not alone. I am learning so much in this program and I have only just begun. There is hope for us. We are going to be okay.
I should say one thing about moving out. I was in a rental with my ex much like ou are. I had a joint tenancy (I wish now I had never signed the thing). I moved out the A didn't. I was made liable for the fact he didn't due to the joint tenancy. So what I would recommend is that if you are seriously thinking about separating go over your leaving plan with an advocate at a battered women's group. They deal with people all the time who leave. That could also be an option for you, you can go to a battered women's shelter for a while. Some shelters have secondary places to stay. That would save on rent.
So you would need to review all your joint stuff, do you have joint accounts. Can you save money for yourself. Some people suggest putting money away for a time so you have some money. I somehow came up with the money to move, don't ask me how it was part of my plan b and I had no money then at all. I made nothing.
Making a plan b is very very helpful. You can also go over your plan b here or with a sponsor (ask someone to be your sponsor).
I checked my plan b here with people who were incredibly kind, patient, loving and attentive to me. I had a lot of help, patience, understanding, care, respect and attention. We need that when were contemplating huge changes in our lives.
I probably worked on my plan b for a good 6 months at least before I was ready for it then miracles started to happen. I found a place (not that I can say I like the place it isn't a fairy tale). I got some money to help with the rent. Some things happened in good timing, some didn't. I was however ready and willing and some of the willingness was having made the plan b. Reach out ask for help.
I've got to admire your courage, DFH--at least you are talking about the big break with the AH. I can't seem to bring it up. I guess I'm a big chicken. I used to be afraid of being alone, but that doesn't bother me any more. I'll buy a dog and be much happier. I am scared, however, of being broke--even more so in these tough economic times. I'm also scared of what will happen to my children if I make the move (or ask him to leave)--I'm afraid I'll be made out as the bad guy in all of this and my kids will hate me.
I have told him several times that if it weren't for the children, I'd be gone. That didn't seem to scare him too much, however, as things really haven't changed. I suspect that when I do get up the courage to make the break, he'll be surprised. And I'm guessing he won't go quietly either...
