The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I wanted to share a recent experience for me with detachment for my review of what I learned and get more ideas or actual examples of detachment that has worked for you. At first, I understand now, I taught myself detachment so I would just stay out of the way, leave if I could, not react, minimize conversations when A was drinking or hostile/grumpy the next morning. I guess that can be how to begin. But then the detachment with love helped me learn acceptance was the love rather than taking care or enabling.
So working the detachment and acceptance as best I could but felt so distant and unconnected with the AH. No companionship, interest, dialogue from AH. Two people living in separate areas of the house, taking care of business, looking like we are a regular family for show and nothing real happening. So then I learned expressing my feelings was something that was ok to do as long as I had no expectations that anything would change. Novel idea for me.
I wanted to share with my AH a little of what I was learning about myself and about co dependency and how alcohol affected the whole family. It went ok though I said some things that I later said were not correct - blurted things out due to my frustration for lack of any response. I tried "do you understand what I mean?" " yeah" but if I asked "what does that mean to you" no response. Frustrating of corse, to be expected of corse but wishing I could have done better about not having any expectations.
I just can't believe spouses can't have some dialogue about anything. So some frustration led to anger and I let go of a few. And I said some good things in anger and some not needed to say but I also said this is what I am trying not to do but I am just so angry. AH always figures things go away if you don't talk about them anymore. Phoeey!! Another thing I am now aware of because of this attempt at sharing with AH is how much compressed anger is just under the surface for me and that I had some control of it all. Before al anon I was a never get angry until I was a volcano every few years and then I exploded with no control.
At first I was not happy that I got angry but then I started feeling ok because I felt the relief of just being heard and expressing some anger and not the whole laundry list from the begining of time. I made progress, mercy. I also had an actual experience with AH where I expressed some honest statements of anger that explained how I have changed. For example, I have apologised for loads of things that were never in my control so I am not doing that anymore.
I guess, being someone who didn't express anger with a spouse who avoids confrontations unless he is drunk is a house with loads of elephants. Just informing him that he may not want to talk about the elephants but he can't tell me anymore that I can't talk about any elephant I want to talk about.
Liberating just to say it out loud and be heard - that is a gift I gave myself this week and it is such a relief. There is no response, no change, and finally I have no expectation because I am grateful I at least feel better allowing myself to speak and be heard. I think this might be a baby step for detachment with love?
Do you have any examples that I can continue to understand this detachment with love and continue to make progress. Thanks, ddub
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"Choices are the hinges of destiny." Pythagoras You can't change the past, but you can change the future.
One of my friends tends to pull back and isolate a lot. I used to take that really personally and obsess on how I needed her to be different. Now I'm accepting it and not over reacting to it, she's actually available more.
I can't say its easy. I was also a volcano. I've been working on my anger with a therapist that helps. I have also been working the steps and looking at ways I learned to martyr, caretake and people please. I don't do that as much anymore.
Wow - that's some amazing progress you're making there.
I agree with you: "AH always figures things go away if you don't talk about them anymore. "
That's my AH to a "T". Ignore it and it'll go away. Again, why he feels I shouldn't come home from Al-anon meetings sad - it makes him uncomfortable - probably not only because he feels guilty, but also because maybe a teensy part of him cares that I'm sad - but oooh jeez! Those are uncomfortable feelings in him! They must be squashed immediately! He'll feel better if he just doesn't think about it.
But where I'm admiring you the most is your ability to have the courage to state your feelings to your AH at all.
I'm scared to do it right now. I need to be in the right place in my mind before I have the strength to bring up my anger with him, because I know I'll have to hear a LOT of defensive hurtful things from my AH if I dare to share my feelings with him. AH is the master at going for the jugular when he argues. He seeks out weaknesses and shoots to kill. He knows mine, for sure, and is an expert marksman when it comes to destroying me verbally.
So, I need to be strong and ready if I ever come to a point where I want to be completely honest with him with my feelings. I need to be prepared for the verbal bombs he's going to drop on me and have my armor strong and ready to go.
Most of all, it'll take all my strength not to feed into his personal attacks - just let them slide off of me instead of suddenly turning it into a situation where I'm trying to "make him" understand me.
Nope... not ready to go there yet. But I'm glad you have the strength to do so. That's so wonderful!
I made progress, mercy. I also had an actual experience with AH where I expressed some honest statements of anger that explained how I have changed. For example, I have apologised for loads of things that were never in my control so I am not doing that anymore.