The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
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level.
Hi Everyone! I just joined tonight and here's my story. My hubby, who I married last year, is a definite alcholoic. He was diagnosed with diabetes last year, suffers from depression and hypertension. He seemed to be doing ok, adjusting, and swore of drinking (at that point, I didn't think he had a drinking problem, but it didn't mix well w/meds). Around November, he hurt his shoulder and was in great pain. One day I came home and found him passed out and unresponsive, so I called 911. Come to find out he was stinking drunk. The docs thought he was just self-medicating and no problem. Turns out he gets a staph infection at ER (or so he says, now I wonder) and was sick and off work most of Nov. & Dec. and part of Jan. Turns out he's been drinking like a fish. Vodka. He'll sober up a couple of days and be very remorseful and sears off the booze. Then in starts again. He doesn't go out, just drinks until he passes out. He also gets very mean and times calling me and my son (from previously marriage) names and being really cruel. He does nothing around the house, wets his pants, throws up everywhere and I am just disgusted by him at this point. These are just the "highlights", there are many more details but don't want this to be too long. I should mention that he has been seeing a psychiatrist and when he was hypmotized it came out that he was molested by a priest as a child (or so he says, I have a hard time believing anything he says these days). Thanks for the advice.
Welcome to Miracles in Progress. Your alcoholic sounds like mine (and mine has been missing for a while... do you have him over there? LOL Just kidding!).
I totally relate to your post in that my A drinks the same way and tells lots of lies. We differ in that I don't live with my A, nor do we have any children. I am so sorry that you are having to experience this... glad you found your way here. Hugs to you and your son.
Welcome to the Miracles In Progress Family. How convient that I just got back from an Al-Anon Family Group meeting were we use the Al-Anon "Big Book", "How Al-Anon Works...for families & Friends of Alcoholics. We were on Chapter 4, Understanding ourselves and alcoholism and it was as if I had taken a time capsul ride back into the past on how I use to live and how it use to affect me and how I use to react to the alcoholic and this disease. Reading your first post was as if you had been at the meeting and spoke about your experience. We all have those experiences so you are not alone in this.
Suggestion...because I don't give advice...go to your phone book and lookup in the white pages the hotline number for Alanon. Call it and see if there is someone you can talk to directly. Ask them for a meeting schedule of times and places that have face to face meetings and depending on the age of your son ask if Alateen is also available and then get to the first meeting that you can. There is lots of literature there or at most meetings that will give you indepth information about the disease alcoholism and how it affects people and what you can do for yourself and others also affected like your son. Get as much as you can and read it all. Take your chair at the meeting and listen to the input. Learn about the 12 steps and 12 traditions and how they can help change how you are living today with the disease of alcoholism, Go to as many meetings as you can in the next 90days and followup with suggestions you hear there from members with more time in recovery.
You can get your sanity back in this program and it can also save your life like it did mine.
Hi, welcome. You will find that we have all dealt with similar situations. Please find a local face to face meeting where you can talk to other real people who will totally understand what you're going through! Thanks for sharing.
Hi Sue, Thanks for sharing your story with us. Hate that you and your child are going through this right now with your husband. I agree with what some of the others have said. If you can get to a face to face Alanon meeting that will give you tremendous support and literature that will help you sort out your own feelings. If your son is of age to comprehend what's going on around him and knows stepdad is getting trashed... take him to the meetings with you. He might get something out of it. There might be some good Alateen chapters around or even possibly in his school. Alateen is also anonymous so he doesn't have to feel wierd about his friends knowing where or what he's doing if he doesn't want to.
Sounds like your A's addiction is progressing fast and that maybe the other medical and psychological issues are pushing it quicker. It is sad that unfortunately there is nothing you can do or say to help snap him out of it. I myself have made myself crazy over forcing solutions in our home... finally it hit me like a frying pay over the head... he doesn't want any of this AA stuff or recovery... he doesn't want counseling. A's lie to themselves and others to continue drinking/using or whatever behavior they are doing to destroy themselves. Best thing someone told me was get out of the way... let him have his destructive behavior because that is the only thing that eventually might get through to him. So I got out of the way... got active in meetings... got busy with my program, the kids, my life and am learning to preserve my sanity and serenity. Keep coming back you will learn these things too. No situation is too great that it can't be better by working this program.
Peace to you and your son, Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
The A who I lived with for 7 years had a lot of medical issues in the past 3 years. They no doubt contributed to his problems. He chose to dive into drugs and alcohol to deal with it and as a result pretty much lost everything.
I know how difficult that is to live with. I don't know whether anyone said it to you but there are meetings here most days. I don't have the times but they are on the website. There is also a chat room which for me when I first came here was a life saver.
There are lots of resources for you. Can you see a therapist yourself. I know I have in the past few years and they have helped me sort out what I needed to do. You can also access various battered womens organizations which can help you with the emotional abuse issues. They have groups, counselling, legal help available.
The goldmine of the resource is this board. This board is available 24/7. You can post post post and then post some more. Get to know people here, people come and go but in general the people here are compassionate, kind, sane and they have all been there, done that and no one here is going to judge, lecture, tell you what to do. They will listen however, they will tell you what they did in similar situations (or you can find out by reading the archives). There are tremendous tools you can use in al anon that require a bit of practice (doesn't any tool I'm trying to learn a staple gun this week - somehow has to show me how - much like detachment, working the steps and more).
Al anon can really help you but its not necessarily overnight.
For me the issue is always about options. Right now I am poor, need lots of stuff like health, dental vision and I'm isolated. The core issues are for prioritizing and accessing help. At the moment I'm seeing an intern therapist on a short term basis, ideally I'd like to see someone on a long term basis, setting that up is going to be a tall order because I'm poor but I probably will venture down that road. I need somewhere else to live, bigger, better with less dysfunctional people, another tall road but I venture down that daily. Right now I am looking at a different area to live that is less expensive and ways I can do that. I'm not going to move overnight although not a day goes by that I don't want to. We all have our problems, we all have our issues, some of us are dealing with an A daily, others, like me are dealing with the aftermath of being with an A.
Many of us have been where you are, we lived to tell about it.
Hi Sue, Im new here too, and I can relate to much, not all, of your situation. My A finally admitted that he had a drinking problem and went to rehab. He has relapsed and gotten back on the wagon, but I can never get my hopes up that its for good. All the while, (5 years) he has done nothing around the house, been in and out of jobs and completely unreliable and mean. We dont have children, so that part I cant relate to. I will say that would make the decision to leave my A easier actually, I can understand why you wouldnt want your son to witness that and think thats acceptable (not sure how old he is). Most of all I just want to tell you I can relate to your pain, frusteration, and probably resentment. Wishing YOU a turn in fortune, and lots of comfort.
Thanks everyone for your support! It's tough, as you all know. I've been thinking about looking into meetings, but I work full time and commute, so the day is long, and then there are my son's obligations (right now its baseball, first year on high school team!). My son will be 15 later this month and is fully aware of what is happening. My A and I have been together about 6 years - living together for 2 and married for almost 1. In hindsight, I think he has had a problem with drinking for much longer than I knew, but just within the last six months or so has it gotten so out of control that I actually woke up and realized it. Sometimes I questioned it, but he would come up with some explanation as to why he seemed a bit out of it (real tired, rough day today, etc.) and I would give him the benefit of the doubt. Its true, hindsight is 20/20. I must say, mum, you got me thinking about if I am disgusted with him or the disease, but I don't think I can make that distinction yet. I am certainly not dependent on him, and I don't want my son (or me) living in this environment, but I don't want to make rash decisions. The thought of just touching him makes my skin crawl right now though, and I don't know if I will ever be able to trust him again with all the countless lies he has and continues to tell me. He comes up with all these medical reasons why he feels terrible all the time, which may be true to some extent, but I'm sure all the drinking just adds to it, or vice versa.
I wish you all the best. You seem like a great group of people who have had their fair share of tough times as well. Good luck to you all and thank you again!
Hi Wishing! Your A does sound a lot like mine, except mine has held on to his job for 15 years now. The way its' going I don't think he will make it to 16 though. I know what you mean about doing nothing around the house. He used to take such pride in keeping his house nice (Mr. fix-it type), before we lived together and after we bought this house, but now, nothing. I'm glad you don't have children. This is not a good environment for my son. The poor guy has a father who is a decent human, but lazy and doesn't work, and how this. He used to look up to my A for all the things he couldn't get from his father, but now I think he loathes him. It's so frustrating! Leaving would not be that hard for me, the hardest part would be selling this house in a bad market right now, but I am capable of supporting my self and son, and have for years before I ended up with the A. Good luck to you!
Edited to add: My A admits he has a problem, tries for a few days, sometimes a week, and then he's right back to it. When he's sober he's always very remorseful and swears to win me back, but I'm losing hope, and teh trust is lost
