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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am the son of an A and I am sitting here watching a family fall apart and there is nothing I can do about it.
My Father, who in hindsight probably was always an alcoholic but had always been able to put on the brakes when things started getting out of hand can't now.
For the past 18 months it has been like this. When he tried to stop back in October he ended up in the hospital for two weeks. He thought he was having a heart attack but the withdrawls were so bad that he thought it was. They had him medicated for the two weeks while he withdrew and we all hoped that that would be the end.
It wasn't...
He was sober the two months and then started again. Now it seems like we are right back where we started.
When he first went into the hosptial one of the first things I did was take my mother to some meetings in the area. She attended for a while but once things seemed to be normal again she stopped going.
Last weekend I went down to make a plea for him to get help and his reply was
"If I can't fix it myself then it ain't getting fixed"
I understand that you cannot make and A go. My mom is at the end of here rope, and I really worry that she is on the verge of a nervous breakdown. She promised me that she would go back to Alanon on Saturday but she ended up not going after another big fight with my father about it. He doesn't want her to go he fears she is going to leave him.
I don't really know at this point what to do. My brother and one of my father's brothers are coming in this weekend to make their pleas but my dad is so stubborn about wanting to this on his own that at this point I don't think there is any use for them to even come down.
I honestly feel that he realizes that he has a problem but he wants to do this on his own with no help.
Do I go back down this weekend with my brother and uncle ? Do I just sit back down after I made my plea
So sorry you are going through this. My father was an A also. I never attended Alanon while he was alive. My son is my A now.
There is nothing you, your brother or your uncle can do about your father's drinking. No amount of talking to him is going to make him get and stay sober. He needs to find his bottom which obviously was not his stay in the hospital.
Only you know what is right for you to do. Just do not have any expectations of the outcome. Expectations really wore me down. I try never to have any of anyone...A or not.
As far as your mother going to Alanon, it is also out of your control. It is not out of your control, however, for you to go. My family has a hard time understanding how I can detach so much from the A in my life now. I know they wish they had what I have and so maybe will your mother.
I've definitely been there beside myself in pain over another person's actions. There are some days that are super tough. I know for sure I plead, begged and begged some more for the A I lived with to change his ways. He never did hear me. Then I started focusing on me (not in the way it sounds). I foucsed on how out of control my life is. In fact that is indeed step one, acknowleding one's life is unmanageable. I kept working on ways I can make my life more manageable that are not related to the A, things the A needed to do, or people around me. Certainly a tight rope walk. The more I focused on me the less out of control I felt.
I've made many a person go to meetings in my life. I don't think it ever helped any. What has helped me is to attend to my own recovery, that in itself inspired other people. I also kept out of the red zone of over reaction, being so tired I could barely walk and feeling totally lost.
At this point I worry more about my Mom then I do my Dad. The fact that someone is going down the drain with him is what is killing me right now.
I made my plea to my Dad on Sunday and now I know that the next move is his. I have done everything I can. My main concern right now is getting my mother back to Alanon so she can start healing herself. I mean I just spent three days down there and when I got back I was totally spent. My Mother deals with it everyday + she has to take care of her 91 year old mother who lives across town who broke her hip last summer.
The fact that she has been going through this for 18 months is amazing to me but it has taken just a tremendous toll.
You didn't Cause it, you can't Cure it, and you can't Control it.
Keep getting to Al-anon meetings for YOU. As for your mom, you live by example. Maybe if she watches you in your recovery becoming serene despite all the craziness going on, she'll think it's a good idea to go, too, despite her AH's fears of her leaving.
Follow the same principles of Al-anon when it comes to your mom. You can't control her, either. She gets to be the one who ultimately decides if she wants to get to Al-anon meetings. Do like you have with your father, make your suggestion and then leave it at that. It's out of your hands.
Remember, too, to hand both your parents over to your HP. Let THEIR HP's take care of them, too.
Take care of yourself. Get to as many face-to-face Al-anon meetings as you can in the next week. Read the literature when you're calm enough to do so. If you're too unsettled to read, then call another Al-anon friend or if you have a sponsor, call him or her. Work the steps. Your life depends on it.
well I can relate to the totally spent issue. I was absolutely run ragged after living with an A for 7 years. We don't actually say here do nothing, we say take care of you. If you don't take care of you you cant be "there" for him.
I well understand the reluctance to go to Al anon. When I first went to Al anon meetings years ago I did not relate at all, lo and behold this is now my home of all homes. I love it here now.
There is no question your mother will be converted in time. Sometimes we have to go gently rather than hit peope over the head with stuff.
My older kids (in their 20's now) ended up with teen depression and a lot of issues that in hind sight are pretty typical as children of an A. In their therapy & recovery, they determined the alcohol issue in our home and were the ones who helped me to get out of denial. I didn't believe them when they told me about alcohol or listen to them when they tried to help me. I ended up being given the choice of op anxiety clinic or I'd end up being confined to a psych ward eventually. Still in denial about alcohol but I did learn to deal with my anxiety better. But the A got worse, I kept getting worse too but for some reason my kids kept getting better - they detached, accepted, moved on to college and stopped enabling. They are ahead of me now in many ways.
Finally, last summer I became so distraught and out of control and scared myself. Sooo I finally went to Al anon - angry I had to go to al anon, angry that the A had caused all this chaos. Now 9 mos later, I am so much better but have a long way to go. My kids are encouraging and my best cheerleaders today. My AH is still in his progressive disease. Thought you might like to know how my kids helped me to get better - they started role modeling detachment, acceptance and stopped enabling - all things al anon has taught me now. I wanted to start feeling better like they were, so I finally went to al anon and stopped denial that we were all affected by an A. And now I am learning to focus on myself
Just my story and wishing you hope for you and yours. hugs, ddub
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"Choices are the hinges of destiny." Pythagoras You can't change the past, but you can change the future.
I some how missed this post last week, but I can totally relate about the parents with the problems. My mum is late 60s and developed her A'ism after my father passed away 15 years ago. It has been getting steadily worse as time goes on. She has been in and out of the hospital with "ulcers" and I suspect it has all been either a) ulcers irritated by the drinking or b) like you mentioned, withdrawal from the alcohol.
I live 4 hours from AM and she came to stay for a week or two last year as she doesn't work. She was fine for the first few days and then she suddenly began having severe abdominal pains and I had to take her to the emergency room. She was hospitalized for about 4 days. They suspected pancreatic cancer and heart attack. They tested and tested and it was neither. They wrote it off as just severe ulcer pain.
Two months later, she was back in hospital where she lives having angiogram because they were sure her heart was bad. All came back normal, she went home again. Its like a cycle--she does OK for several weeks, then begins to go down hill and ends up hospitalized or at the least in the dr. office.
My brothers and I want her to move in with one of us and she is resisting, insisting on living alone. I even suggested a retirement community if she wanted to live alone, but be around others (one brother thought it was the equivilent of a nursing home and wouldn't even consider it).
I'm just beginning to understand the role that the alcohol has played in this. She, like your dad, doesn't want to give up the bad habits (she smokes, too, with emphsyma), saying its her life and she'll live it like she wants. I'm learning through Al-anon that her apparent lack of caring (for what her behavior is doing to us) is part of the disease.
Do any of your brother attend Al-anon meetings? do what you can to get your mom to the meetings it sounds like she wants to attend. No one in Alanon is advocating leaving (doubt your dad would believe that, however), just taking care of those who live with A's so that they can deal with the "drama" of the A.
Encourage her to join the online group if she cannot make the f2f meetings. Sounds like she really needs an outlet and encouragement that other in her situation can provide. (As do you )
I spoke to her last night and nothing has really changed. It looked for a while like he was really thinking about it. One of his best friends who is recovering started talking to him and looked like he was making progress to the point where he was ready to go and get help but it hasn't happened.
I gave my mom the link to this site. She is ready to start going to the alanon meetings in her area again and I guess we will see what happens.
I guess right now my biggest problem is, is that I'm not there all the time so I already feel a certaina detachment from the situation. I don't have to live this nightmare everday the way my Mom does. My biggest concern right now is my Mom and protecting my young children from this situation since they are 12 and 6 and are very attached to their grandfather.
I guess there are alot of things I still need to work out in my head.
You can't change anyone but yourself. This will sink into your head one of these days. I't took me quit a few years. I have been going to Al-Anon meetings for over 20 years, but the little bit of recovery I have came to me one minute at a time. I live fairly serene now but that only came when I gave up trying to fix, change, and control other people. I don't feel I need to help anyone, including family, if they don't try to help themselves. If they want soberity or serenity bad enough they will go to any lengths to get it. Your father has to hit his bottom and so does your mother. You need to work on yourself. You get the help you need. Go to Al-Anon, it works, if you work it.
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