The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Well ummm yeah. LOL. He hooked me again and I fell for it. Sheesh, when did I get so easy?
My hub called me at work and asked me what the kids and I were doing at 6. I said not much. He asked if we would come down to his work and he would buy the kids dinner. I said sure. I got excited he wanted to see the kids.
He then asks can you do me a favor. My heart sank. There is was a motive. He asks if I can please bring him the headphones that came with my cell phone. I had told him before that he could have them. I would never use them and he would. So I thought heck he wants something but the kids get to see dad for a few why not?
So we went and when I pulled up I saw her (hubs girlfriend) car. My heart sank and I felt sick. The kids asked if we were staying for dinner I said no. We walked in and I saw her, not sure she saw me. She was working. Hub's manager saw me. I asked him to hand the headphones to my hub and tell him no thank you on dinner and the kids and I left.
Of course they didn't understand why we left, just that I was upset. I said something about being sad and I apologized for not being able to stay. I was fuming in my head the whole way home. Thinking how wrong of him to do such a thing. Didn't he consider my feelings? Umm hello he is an addict, my feelings are not priority.
So no sooner than I back in the garage and the kids pile out. I was just gonna sit in the car a moment and try to regain some serenity. The phone rings. Without looking I was sure I knew who it was. I was right. A program friend, umm can you say HP at work? He thought I called him today, but actually I called him yesterday. So he was calling me back.
We talked, I cried, I vented, and I even laughed. I told my friend that I was going to send my hub and email that said please don't ask me to come down when she is there. I will never ceased to be amazed at how my HP works. The funny thing is that I was gonna come here post, work out, and then call the friend that called me. But instead he called me, I worked out, and now I am posting.
Taking care of me. That was what I planned to do, and I did. I set a boundary. I did send that email. And I did say please don't ask me to stop by if she is there and that I won't stop by unless asked to. I said what I needed to say for me nicely and without resentment. I worked out because ok ummm I am trying to get to the point where I am happy with me again and because I feel good afterwards, lol a natural feel good high. I knew posting here, getting it out was gonna help me. I also knew that calling that friend was a good piece of self care. He listens, he cares, and omg he doesn't tell me what to do. Oh yeah and if I dare try to get on the pity pot I get kicked off, but with love.
This girl in hub's life hurts, but it isn't about me. He is self-destructing and that is so painful to watch, but yet I am hopeful that he will finally hit his bottom and bounce back up. One never knows what the future might bring, but I am sure it is over for my hub and I. And as sick as it sounds I know he still loves me and that he doesn't love her. I can see it in his eyes. No matter what lies he told me, his eyes could never lie. I can see his love when he looks at me and I know when he looks in mine that pain of lost love is reflected back, but he can see that I to love him.
Truly letting him go is the hardest thing I have had to do so far, but it is getting easier each day. There is still a big part of me that doesn't want to. But you see I wasn't strong enough to let him hit his bottom while he was living with me. I would always cushion it somehow. I was always afraid that his bottom would be death, and it might be. But I don't know that
I just know that with the tools I get here and the loving friends I find here, I am able to be a true friend to my hub. And in the end if that is the only healthy relationship I can have with the man I love the father of my children, then it is worth the heartache right now.
But I am getting sick of these AFGOs (Another Fabulous Growth Opportunity)
Yours in recovery, Mandy
__________________
"We are not punished for our unforgiveness, we are punished by it" Jim Stovall
UGH, how thoughless of him. I know how hard it is in the beginning. For me the A messed up and messed up and messed up so much that I finally fell out of love. FINALLY!!! It took me a long long time to get to this point and it feels so good to be free from it. Eventually he just did so many stupid, heartless, selfish things that I couldn't make excuses for him anymore.
(((((((((((Mandy)))))))))))))) I am so impressed with how you handeled yourself! It is so hard to not react in the moment, but it sounds like you gave yourself the space you needed and reached out to the right people...people in recovery.
This is a wonderful example to me of working your program. I can relate so much to your comment "truly letting him go is the hardest thing I have had to do so far".
Mandy, I so agree w/Leetle, what a graceful way to deal with such incredible pain and ugliness! Way to work your program!! You are an inspiration, you totally kept YOUR side of the street clean. I do not know if I could have done as well but I really love reading about examples so that when MY TIME comes (and it will, don't we all know?!) I do not need to reinvent the wheel. Role modeling works so well for me. thank you for your post- Hugs, J.
Hi I am new to this site but have been attending f2f meetings for around 6 months isnt the programme great! I ahd to answer you post I am just coming to the end with my partner of three years who is the A in my life. Before him I was with a compulsive gambler fpr 17 years father of my kids and first love. It was so hard letting him go and my current partner. I know what you mean when u say about the love and distress in their eyes. They do love you but the are ill. It is the hardest thing in the world to walk but we have to be happy too. They carn't meet are needs but the love never dies.
The A who I was with did that to me so many times I was always heart sick. These days I go out of the way not to go to the old neighborhood where we lived. I have nothing to say to all the people he made "his" friends.
They are pretty self centered.
I don't know about the love stuff. The A who I was with certanly put other people before me continually. I believe he "needed" me, loved, I am not so sure about. I'm not going to quibble with anyone about what love is but the A certainly did so much stuff to me that he destroyed most of my love. I no longer love him at all. I may have compassion for him, but love no.
I do see the A I was with as "sick" at the same time I have limits and boundaries these days. The A I was is and was very self destructive. I have no need to be around that anymore. He can do it to himself sure I cannot stop him (I researched that for a long time) but he will no longer do "it" to me or to our dogs.
