The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I think tonight was that "aha" moment for me. After so many crappy things that have happened over the past year with my A husband I think this probably made me finally face reality. The reality that I will probably be a single mom. Never in a million year would I have thought that I would be in this situaiton. I have 3 young boys and I realized tonight that I will have to be both parents. I recently read that the same sex parent is the most influential person in a child's life. How sad is that that my kids' father is an A. How this will tear them up as they get older. Just the thought that their dad is a drunk makes me want to be physically sick.
Tonight he was supposed to come home and take our oldest son to his middle school orientation. I was going to stay home with the younger 2. Well, he never made it home. How can someone disappoint their own child like that. My guess is that the bar and the Final Four basketball game were more important. I feel so sad right now, sad for my kids and my oldest son who I'm sure knows something is wrong with his dad but doesn't quite know what. What do you say to a 10 year old? I am sad for the resentment he will feel when he gets older towards his dad. He will never be able to get these years back. How do I manage to rasie three boys alone?
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Sometimes it's not about making it through the storm, it's about learning how to dance in the rain.
What I learned from staying married to an active A for 13 yrs is tht I was always the one tht picked up the pieces . I did finally divorce mine. If your gut intstinct says he was at the bar, well he probably was.And he probably forgot or just figured you would take care of it , like you always have, and will cont to do.Because you are the stronger person in your relationship. My kids , (10 and 8) would ask what was wrong w Daddy,and I would just tell them tht he was sick .Thn it got so bad tht my son asked me if Daddy was going to ever be ok again. My kids always knew when there Dad was drunk.They can tell a difference in him. Im sure your kids know too. They may not know exactly what it is, but they know something is different. Mabey he yells more , or hes more of a buddy to them when hes drinking. But they do know when hes drunk. And as far as kids attaching to the same sex parent....NAH........ Kids need good role models in thier lives.If you have a male relative tht will step up and do manly boy things w them , thts great. If not , you are the MOM.And you can and will take them to all the sports stuff and get your hands dirty... I used to think I couldnt do it alone, but I am. Im not bitter w my ex.I know hes sick, and he always will be. good luck to you Midget
Yeah, I wouldn't put a lot of weight on that "same sex parent" thing, either. Kids are influenced by what they live. If you don't make a big deal about this kind of thing to them, they won't either.
In our family, I was the one who made sure things that needed to happen happened. My husband was the one who watched movies with them, took them out to yard sales, that kind of thing. It wasn't until they were in their late teens, and he had been sober for years, that it dawned on them that this had something to do with his drinking. They just figured that was the way it worked, not any different from "Mom does the cooking, Dad takes care of the cars".
There are much more important issues than this - is the house filled with fighting, or with unexpressed anger and resentment? Is there abuse - physical or verbal? Are their lives filled with chaos, or with relative serenity?
Well the 3 C's come to mind. You didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it.
I am in a different situation. My hub and I are seperated. I don't make any promises about daddy, I let him do it. Then if the plans don't happen, I am not the bad guy.
Would it be better for my kids to have both parents in the home, sure if both of us were healthy. I made the best choice for me and my kids, that doesn't mean that is the right choice for you and yours.
You gotta do what is best for you and your boys.
Yours in recovery, Mandy
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"We are not punished for our unforgiveness, we are punished by it" Jim Stovall
I'm raising three kids alone, one is a boy. I have to agree with midget. I have no resentments, I just realize these are my cards and I have to play them or bluff the best I know how. Sometimes it's hard but being with an A was MUCH harder! The more time goes on, the easier it has gotten. I don't have a male role model for my son, I'm working on that. I'm shopping for male role models in SE NC!!! Any takers??? LOL Anyway, I know there will be a coach or a teacher (I am going to specifically ask for this certain male teacher that my daughter had in first grade for him next year) or some influence and there's always mom and I'm as tough as any guy!!!! LOL
