The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
First a thank you to all who responded to my post about my feelings about my teen. When I shared them with my AH (last night, big mistake) he proceded to berate me, telling me I had "used" my son as an "asexual partner". I hate him. Why is he so mean to me? Did I use my son or did I devote myself to him? Raise him?! My AH bonds with him by argueing, basically. When he was a baby my AH told me some bs about how men don't get involved with kids until they are about 7, the age of reason. Hah. He didn't do it then either. I guess he considered giving the child nitrous oxide while he was in a manic state bonding and guideing. BTW I found out about that incident about a month ago, it occured about 10 months ago right before my AH was hospitalized (life support for 18 days, hospitalized for 35). Oh, and had the "xxxx" nerve to tell me I "shouldn't" have taken my son to the hospital. I should have told him his dad was sick and to pray for him. I thought he was going to die! They told me! But I am a bad person for that, and he is just "sick".
DOA, Oh the venom they can spew. Just imagine him spewing that crap from behind the walls of a mental ward. That's the image I see when I hear stuff like that. Alcoholism brings out the insanity!!!
Don't allow yourself to be taken down that crazy road.
Well I don't think the A I was with is just "sick". I think he is and was very very sick. The issue is do I allow his sickness to control me. I certainly used to. My venting went on for a long time, 7 years in fact and beyond. I vented and vented and vented. I don't know that I knew anything else but to vent. Then I learned some other skills like detacihng, that is totally focusing on me. I also learned other skills in not resenting. Of course you have absolutely every right to resent, rage and be upset about the turn of your events. What I allowed the A to do with his behavior was to control me in very signficant ways. Being a very stubborn sort of a person I don't permit that anymore. This weekend the A called twice. Normally that would be enough for me to go "off" on a long vent of how dare he and re-visit all the hurts he put on me. The issue for me is that there is not one moment I don't deny the hurts he put on me (decimated me ) in fact I just don't allow them to control me anymore because if they do I become non functional.
Of course the dance of many an A is not be reponsible, not to take action and to put it all out on someone else. That's their modus operandi. I used to take that terribly personally I no longer do. I de-tach from his illness not because I don't want to deal with it but because I want to deal with taking care of me. I totally acknowledge he almost destroyed me with his behavior, actions and crazy behavior but I no longer allow those actions to totally destroy me anymore. I move on, I stop venting, I stop raging and I focus on me. The essence of the serenity prayer, what can I do to change, not because I need to to help him (because of course I dont' help him anymore in any way shape or form) but to help me, cope, pray and live with what was my life.
My venting became an obsession, my obsession became a depression. I was "stuck" in loathing the A and his illness. I no longer loathe him. I dont' even think about him that much. I no longer let him control me in any shape or form.
I think this is where it's none of your business what he thinks of you comes in. You did what you thought was the right thing at the time. If he doesn't like it that's HIS problem. You are just being a good mom, I know my A couldn't stand the relationship I had with my daughter, always thought I was too easy on her or she was the "golden child" when in reality she was his scapegoat. I think now that he's sick and what he thinks doesn't really matter because every bit of it is just part of the sickness. I don't even care what he thinks anymore. I know I'm doing everything I need to do for me and the kids and that's all that matters, he's a grown man and will either learn to take care of himself or find someone else who will, I'm just glad it's not me anymore. I already have 3 kids, that's hard enough, I don't need 4.
