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I have a concern about balancing my need for distance from my AH and my 3 years olds need to see his father.I have mandated that he can only see our son at my house and he must be clean and sober when he does come.And he did conform for a while, but arrived at my house this last time *high* Guess my son will be seeing less of him now. So how do you deal with the guilt of your sons missing of his dad when your boundaries have so much to do with it?
Well I have had to rigorously maintain I am only responsible for me. I can no longer be reponsible for the A in any way shape or form. The A does this neglect, abandon, denial dance. I am no longer responsible for that either. I'm only responsible for not engaging.
Please elaborate on this *dance*. Im only now becoming educated about what behaviors are part of alcohoism and what to expect from him as a result. I just now stopped blaming myself for my mistreatment. It helps to prevent the crazymaking when you know it is not you and its just *textbook* behavior. I thought my AH was just a very mean and unloving person and it must have something to do with me. Sick huh?
Hi - really tough question, as with our dependants that aren't old enough to take care of themselves, we have to use our discretion as to what is "best" for them.... Of course your son needs and misses his father, but I think this needs to best be looked at as his father is choosing not to see his son.... You put up a very fair and healthy boundary, and he needs to abide by that to see his son... I'm not thinking that having a "high" father seeing his 3-year old is any good for anyone....
I learned, in raising my two kids (often times without the aid of my then-active wife), that all I could really do is love my kids, hug them, and reassure them that they were safe with me. I had to learn to stop trying to answer for her relationship with them, and when they would ask me, I would simply say that I loved them, and they were safe... I really had no other answers.
Just my two cents...
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Thanks Tom, great advice, that I will take. I'm still hooked into trying to make it right for my son, as it really hurts to see him missing his dad and not understanding what is going on. But his dad is going to do what he going to do and I just have to focus on what is in my son best interest and hope that someday he will understand I was only doing what was best for him.
This might best be handled by a court appointed guardian ad litem whose sole mission is to look out for the best interest of the kids. That would take it out of your hands to be the decision maker and leave it in the hands of a third party with an objective point of view. Sounds like supervised visitation might be in order if he can't stick with your simple boundary of not showing up high. That would completely take the burden off of you.
I have thought about leaving it to the courts - but not sure I'm ready to divorce. I'm wondering if this can be done outside divorce processing. It would sure help with my guilt and to hopefully quiet my AH on-going insistance that he should be able to see his son whenever he wants.
If you aren't ready for a divorce (and only you can make that choice) maybe you can get a parenting plan set up through the courts. Just for legal protection.
My hub and I are going through the same thing right now, but we are divorcing. He must be clean and sober when he sees them and do to his living situation he must see them at my place or we meet in a neutral location (like a park).
What I do for my kids (8,6, ad 4) is I don't tell them when he says he will be up to see them. I wait for him to show up (it is scheduled between he and I) and then they aren't disapointed and I am not the bad guy when I have to tell them he isn't coming.
I tell them that daddy loves them (I know he does) and that he misses them (he says he does).
I am the stable one, the one who is always there. They deserve that from both of us, but I can't control his actions.
Keep coming back.
Yours in recovery, Mandy
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"We are not punished for our unforgiveness, we are punished by it" Jim Stovall
As a Codependent I tend to take responsibility for other's behaviors. Detaching was so key for me. I think detachment was so key because it allowed me space to look at what I needed to do.
There is tons of literature about the dance of alcoholism, codependence and under responsibility and over responsiblity. Harriet Lerner is one author who comes to mind. Dont' label yourself as pathological. I think pretty much everyone needs help around alcoholism.
Three isn't really old enough to understand, but maybe you can tell him that Daddy isn't always well enough to see him. On the up side, kids this young grow used to anything - if this is his reality, he'll adjust to it.
I'd say stick to safe reasonable boundaries - if your child were to be hurt because you let his drunk or high dad take him, you would find it very hard to live with yourself. If the A can't accept that even when sober -well, that's why your son needs one sane parent, and it looks like it's you.
