The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hi all, Sunday night's meeting topics were Facing Reality, Fantasy/Illusion, and Owning our choices. Here is my share :)
I was flipping through the index of c2c (Courage to Change) last week trying to think of topics to offer to the group. And the first two jumped right out at me. The last one my wonderful partner (pay me later Paul) added. And I thought it fits nicely with the first two.
Many of you know that I am separated from my hub, my A. And now I feel like I am searching through the debris after a house fire, seeing what is salvageable and what isnt. In doing this I have made the choice to face the reality of what my marriage was and letting go of what I made it to be in my own head.
There were many good times. And throughout our marriage I clung to those good times with all I had. And ignored all the hard times, bad times, painful times, and anything else that ruined the happy little family scenario I desperately wanted.
For me not facing my reality by clinging to the illusions I fertilized a glorious garden of resentment, anger, fear, and self pity. What good can grow in that garden? With all that going on any true happy, positive, uplifting feeling was choked and didnt have a chance at life.
I pulled further and further into my shell and pushed my husband away. I even did the whole grass is greener thing. In the end looking elsewhere killed what life my marriage had left. The resentments on both sides were too many for us. The anger was so deep. And the amount of pain we each caused the other left no room for trust.
Pretending I was ok and that I wasnt as lonely as I was didnt work. So now what do I do.
Well today. I am looking at what I did in the marriage. Sure it is easy to blame everything on an active addict. But he forced me into nothing I made my choices.
I chose to neglect self care for nearly 11 years. He didnt make me. I indulged in self hatred. I drank resentment in like it was water. I built a fortress of self protection around me that was impossible for anyone, including the man that I love to get through. I used his addictions to get what I wanted. I manipulated him.
Does all that make me a horrible person? No. It means I am sicker than him (my opinion).
So today. I am looking at me, what I did. And I am seeing it for what it is. No sugar coating. But I am not doing it to beat myself up, but to learn. To heal. To grow. Sure I could look at all he did, and point fingers. But this is my program, this is about me. It has nothing to do with him.
Facing the reality that my marriage is truly over. Being able to say that he has a girlfriend without twitching (lol still working on that one) Telling someone yesterday who misunderstood a question that I asked, that my husband is not the bad guy in this (and omg I truly meant it) choosing to move forward. Owning what I f***ed up in my marriage, and moving forward. I dont have to do all that. I can stay where I am. But today I chose to not live in misery, pain, and heartache. I may visit there every once in a while, but then I come here, call a friend, or post on the board and you all give my butt the swift kick it needs.
Thanks for being here. Thanks for kicking my butt, lol really I mean that.
Yours in recovery, Mandy
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"We are not punished for our unforgiveness, we are punished by it" Jim Stovall
(((mandy))) In reading your post I am so surprised that our lives are so similar and the feelings also. I'm also going through the reality checks, after being separated from my ah. At first the blame I placed was all his, alcoholism and one of his girlfriends....lol, definitely not on me. But I think to be healthy we do have to realize that we had a part in this and make amends. And you are right, its easy to go back to the happy times, although if I want to be realistic that was many years ago. I think its best to stay in the present, keep my feet firmly on the ground, and take this one day at a time. Keeps my serenity with me, where I like it. grateful
What a great post. I have a real issue with reality too. I am one year out of a relationship, well one year since separating. We had contact for a long time after that. I am getting a lot out of reflecting. In fact I dont' feel as alone at the moment because of it.
This is not only a great post, its an interesting one too. I say that because for me, there were no good times. I just did the same thing, though. Thanks so much for your post, its really eye-opening for me! J.
