The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have been attending meetings since Nov this programme has helped me more than I can say.
I am still having probs picking up the phone so this site is a god send to me.
Well heres my story. Been with my current partner for three years was with a compulsive gambler for 17 years prior to this relationship. I am a very compassionate person and I find it really hard to let a person go once I love them (what is love taking good with bad?). However this programme is starting to make me realise I need to have compassion for myself also. I started attending meeting in Nov because my current partner had a one night stand on one of his benders, which absolutely devastated me. My partner does not drink every day however once he starts he carn,t stop. He normally takes cocaine and goes missing for days. He loses jobs, has crashed my car and so on. So I do believe he has some form of alcoholism. Since the one night stand in Nov he has not gone missing. However last week he stayed out all night at his sisters. I was very angrey and sent him packing to his mums saying I needed to be able to trust him and he shouldn,t just disapear while I am a sleep. He has popped in threw the week. I spoke to him on Friday and he said he would be down in an hour its now sunday and no one knows where he is. He had money and has gone on a bender, he now hides for a couple of days and calls saying he sorry etc and the cycle starts again because I love him.
However I have had enough sorry means nothing anymore I feel like I am going insane need to take care of me instead of everyone else.
It is okay to feel sorry for yourself...you are not being treated very well and this is not something that is anywhere near acceptable behaviour. However, it is not uncommon, and I just know there will be some others in the wonderful family who will identify with you.
You say you have been in the programme since November, well, you will know by now that it is ALL ABOUT YOU here. So let's start with you.
Sorry I am not able to give you a hug that you can feel, however I am (((((((hugging)))))) right this minute over the cyber waves.
You know that you DIDN'T CAUSE IT, CANNOT CURE, AND CANNOT CONTROL IT, so let's concentrate on what you can do, and what you can do is focus on YOU.
No one will tell you what to do here, that is for you to decide, but I surely would not let him have the keys to my car and I would make sure they were nowhere for him to find. Apart from the damage he has done to your car, he could kill someone in that state and that is a HUGELY unacceptable thing to allow as a possibility.
You need to start to think about you and work your programme and if you are not able to telephone anyone, come here to vent.
Although it is very worrying, you have to focus on you and your needs and that is to take care of you the best way you can. If you set boundaries then you have to keep to them and not back down. You have to deal with him as you would a child and a child will keep on doing the same thing if you set a boundary and then allow them to go over it. So say what you mean, though you don't need to be mean to say it. I love that one and think it is one of the most considerate slogans here in al-anon. It is both kind to you and meaningful to the A.
Try to get to as many f2f meetings as possible, especially when he is missing, it will enable you to focus on YOU and not him. Have you made any friends there...try to make at least one that you feel you can call, there is nothing like talking with someone who understands at the time you are in need, and perhaps you could meet them for a coffee or a walk in the park or something to help keep you focussed on you?
Read the literature and begin to work your programme at the basic level. Even if that only means taking some deep breaths and breathing in and out slowly and saying the Serenity Prayer quietly to yourself. That prayer has got me through many a dreadful day when I had no forum, no other person and no al-anon to get me through the next five minutes, let alone hour.
Then come here and vent and let it all out and read the past posts and try just to focus on your recovery and a better quality of life so that you handle all of this in a more positive way.
Sending you more (((((((hugs))))))))))) and saying a prayer for some serenity to come your way, and knowing there will be others who will respond and have things to share with you too.
Welcome to the MIP family...you are in the right place. Keep coming back.
Suzannah
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Out of the ruin of my past I have found the fortress of myself and I know how to defend it.
Strive for WISDOM; Seek SERENITY; NEVER compromise your INTEGRITY.
You have been in the right place since November. You are qualified for the program and it is a step by step, one day at a time, keep coming back, progress before perfection program that is spiritual in nature worked under constant awareness of a power greater than myself and employing the ongoing ability of reaching out to others for help. See it is a simple program.
I am pretty sure that this isn't what you were looking for when you started your relationship and I am also very sure that your last relationship ended with promises to yourself about "never doing THAT again".
So the spiral comes around again and the very best thing to stop it from coming around even more is this program. Without this program the habit of doing the same things over and over again expecting different results is as given. It is very like betting on a sure thing.
You can stop the stuff you don't like participating in and allowing around you. You can. "No" is a complete sentence. If it continues you are allowing it all to occur and you are participating in that process. Sorry if that smites a bit. I learned it and then accepted it to be true with me so that I could move forward to "okay now what do I do to change me and then it?"
Here is where you learn to stop yourself and then remake your self with the help of others who have knowledge and experience from do that themselves for themselves.
I loved the early suggestions in the program because they were so black and white and easiest to follow thru on. "Keep coming back", "Go to 90 meetings in 90 days", "Get as much literature as you can and read it all", "Learn the steps and traditions, come to understand them a bit and then start working them", "Get a sponsor", most of all "Hook up or build a relationship with a Higher Power...a God of your understanding and work on keeping it daily", "Repeat what you learned daily."
This is a change of living program. I leared to change into the person I wanted to be and as a consequence now have a life worth living. That is less a quaint saying as it is the truth. In one area and only one area alone, while she was out drunk and having sex with strangers I kept myself from having sex with those strangers also. I arrived at how insane it was for me to put myself into such danger because I was trying to get from an alcoholic the verification I would never find. Drinking was here heart mate...not Jerry F.
Keep coming back. Listen, learn and practice practice practice. (((((hugs)))))
You may be at a point where some clear boundaries would be helpful to you. Not boundaries to make him do or not do, but boundaries to protect yourself from hurt.
Two very poinant sayings opened my eyes. They are...
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.
Nothing changes, if nothing changes.
keep coming back, Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
HI, and welcome to MIP.... as far as the "what is love" question is concerned, I would encourage you to Google "toxic love" on the internet, and compare what they say of what constitutes "real love" vs. "toxic love".... I think you'll be amazed at the differences...
Take care, and keep coming back
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Just like to thank everyone who answered my post from the bottom of my heart. I have been praying for guidance to my HP on this topic for months however think my self will has been getting in the way.
Well he has sent me guidance by the bucket load today. I am so scared of being alone I have always had a relatioship. No matter how bad I stick in there true love ha ha. I think its about time I faced my fear I carry these men anyway I am happy in all other areas of my life. I THINK I NEED TO START TO TAKE CARE OF ME AND MY BWAUTIFUL KIDS.
well hope I can stick to this when he tells me he loves me needs me and it won't happen again.
. My partner does not drink every day however once he starts he carn,t stop. He normally takes cocaine and goes missing for days. He loses jobs, has crashed my car and so on. So I do believe he has some form of alcoholism. Since the one night stand in Nov he has not gone missing. However last week he stayed out all night at his sisters. I was very angrey and sent him packing to his mums saying I needed to be able to trust him and he shouldn,t just disapear while I am a sleep. He has popped in threw the week. I spoke to him on Friday and he said he would be down in an hour its now sunday and no one knows where he is. He had money and has gone on a bender, he now hides for a couple of days and calls saying he sorry etc and the cycle starts again because I love him.
