The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Last night I went to a sporting event (mortor cycle race) with the A father of my A Bf of 5 years (spouse, we are more committed than some marreid couples I know) anyway, I am very sad about the neglectful, shameful, horrible things that the father continues to justify with crazy stories. Like feeding my BF beans only, for weeks at a time because " the little 10 year old boy at the time, liked it"- made me want to scream and cry! All while he was buying beer and chasing women I am sure. And I am angry at his Mom for letting it happen (they were divorced) I am sad that the elderly Dad won't admit up to his shorting commings and say sorry (as I feel this would help my BF) but I understand this is his disease and found myself feeling this increadible love for the elderly drunk. I held his hand (because he might likely fall) and we walked the long walk to the parking lot and I worried about him when he went out alone to smoke- NOT because I am a "good person" I'm NOT. But because he gave the man I love life and because he is a person who his father gave him beer on a regular basis when he was four years old.- NO wonder his body craves it so much- He said his dad would buy a six pack and one would always be his when he was a child! that abuse is outrageous!!If it's true who knows with him! but I feel it may be- what does that do to a person as they develop judgement skills? So therefore I love the elderly father of my BF, even though he is hard to take with his long crazy stories and justification of his crazy, wrong behavior. I just wanted to share my JOY thank you all for listening.
Glad - I get so much from your posts. Always full of wonderful ESH. Yes, I understand those feelings of wanting to "right" the situation - but as you know, it's out of our hands to correct someone else's relationship. That one is obviously up to your BF and his dad to fix.
In the meantime, it sounds like you're keeping your side of the street clean. Nice work.
Hope to be more careful so I don't sound like someone who thinks they "know it all" I know nothing. Just my personality and way of sharing. Will try to learn more about sharing without giving advise. But I fear that may be a part of me caring and how I share. Anyone with suggestions feel free I am still new to alanon!!
I don't see where you are giving advice here but just sharing an experience. And your experience shared, affects others like me - I too have learned about detachment and how anger only hurts me but until I read your post, I have been blinded with anger at my AH's parents.
I've re read your post many times trying to see exactly why you love this elderly father.
Then I finally got it - duh!! Apply what I am doing with my AH - detach, compassion etc ...... might take a little time cause I've got a lot of energy tied up in blame, anger etc etc. Humbled and surprised yet again how I can read or hear something over & over with al anon and when it is the right time or finally it is like I get an old idea etc in a brand new way again. Thanks for sharing and helping me with my journey of recovery.
hugs, ddub
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"Choices are the hinges of destiny." Pythagoras You can't change the past, but you can change the future.
That was a very good post and the responses were right on and I learned from them all. When I was in college studying this disease of alcohol and drug addiction the most fascinating part for me among all the parts was genetics. It's a very wide subject and not only the part of predisposition to alcohol and drug abuse and addiction but also all the other "inherited" traits such as emotional conditioning, mental and behavioral conditioning, problem solving, socialization and more. The subject blew me out of the water when I came to consider how genetic predisposition played a part in the disease and my life. In early recovery I was told that the children of alcoholics and addicts were "predisposed" to becoming addicted or marrying the addicted or both. Shocker for me and then the realization after 9 years in Al-Anon that I was qualified for both programs. Shocked but not afraid and grateful for the ESH and information I got from the program and from college. Getting into AA came after a volutary assessment and after 9+ years of no alcohol or drugs. I also remembered my lessons on relapse, compulsion and latent desire. As a result of the assessment it was suggested that the person who the assessment was for "get into in-patient recovery or the next time they drank they died." Getting over the ego and pride was alot easier because of the prior 9 years and the desire not to die from the disease.
You remind me of another thing that I had to inventory and amend and that was my early mindset about the harmlessness of alcohol. I was one of those fathers who let his 1 year old son have his own can or bottle of beer and permitted him to tottle off with it as he pleased. He was in diapers and he always came back for more. I was the father that refused to understand when older family members questioned why I let my children drink alcohol from my containers. I wasn't bad...I was inexperience and unknowledgable about the very chemical that would come at times to take my own life and the disease that hunts it's victims relentlessly whether they are practicing or dry and in or out of recovery. It doesn't care.
I can afford a twinge of shame today...that is more honest than when I didn't know and didn't know I didn't know. There was no awareness and there for having a justification for it never entered my mind. If my son got drunk I just laughed and put him to bed. I would never do that today or recommend it today and if I was aware it was happening today I would find an opportunity to share my own experience strength and hope with the individuals. My son was at one time a practicing alcoholic and addict. He still lives with the mark that runs down the generations of all sides of his families. His wife is from the disease and his children, my grand-children are either fetal alcoholic effect or syndrome. Today I pass on recovery. I share what I have learned with them and tell them that if ever they felt they were being drawn into the world of addiction that I would and all of my recovery family would be there for them to support and guide them.
I have a newer, larger value system to live by today thanks to this program and to the input, feedback and ESH such as what you and the others have shared here. For that I am extreemly grateful.
Apply what I am doing with my AH - detach, compassion etc ...... might take a little time cause I've got a lot of energy tied up in blame, anger etc etc. Humbled and surprised yet again how I can read or hear something over & over with al anon and when it is the right time or finally it is like I get an old idea etc in a brand new way again. Thanks for sharing and helping me with my journey of recovery. 