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I hate that I am so scared, even though I know much of my fear is based on prediction and what could/will be, not fact.
Had the perfect office manager, more than just experience and skill, she had been married to an addict/a. She refused to be an enabler for my AH. He made her crazy and she couldn't do it anymore. Finally, she gave 2 wks notice, but offered to stay and hire/train. He just told her to leave now. This came right when the bank gave us a 3 month deferment on our loans so we could get caught up. We need her.
Now an office full of untrained people since our one other skilled person just moved. I "know" his plan is to bring his g/f in as office manager. No one is standing in his way now to hire her. If he does, our bookeeper will leave too. Then he will have that addiction at his fingertips since he can't have his others. And he will have an enabler. Perfect. Can you imagine, an active A leading a hardly sober A? If that won't sink our ship... Even if he doesn't, can't see him making it work without the trained staff.
I think the fog has cleared and I am seeing him for who he is and has been. It's embarrassing, to say the least. Now I don't want him back, I just want to safely get out. I want it to be over. His sister suggests I get him to give me the house and just give him everything with the business. I don't know if it is that easy without refinancing, which is not a possibility. Also, then what? Can't afford to keep it and the market is so bad it probably won't sell. Then what?
Now here is my confession: I still want to control it so his g/f doesn't get in there. Obviously I still think there is a slight possiblity he can make it work? Why could I possibly think that? I am definatley crazy too.
Talking to him is impossible. He storms away as soon as he is uncomfortable, which is pretty much everytime I speak. I emailed him and told him that I proceeding with divorce and I want out. He wrote back that he still thinks that the business is still orth working hard for. Gee, why didn't he think of that earlier? He did say he would consider selling the business if he can afford an appraiser (thus the catch) and would consider bankruptcy in 3 mos if it doesn't work out.
After all the torture though, I still want to save him. My kids love him. My son's greatest fear is that someday his dad will be living under a bridge. I hate the insanity of it all.
I am getting closer to telling my kids the whole truth. I think my secrets are an emotional barrier for us. We don't talk feelings much in our house. I just don't want to harm them, but they will find out, just a matter of time. Actually, my son knows but we don't talk about it so it is like he doesn't. Denial at its finest. I also don't want it to destroy the relationship the kids have with their dad. Trying to raise them into healthy adults, ya know, and I am already walking uphill.
Some hope here... our office manager left her AH back in 2005 with her child, clothing and a goldfish. Today she is strong and happy and sees all the gifts the experience gave her. She lost absolutely everything and rebuilt her life. She said the key was to keep showing up every day for life and for work. Not an easy thing to do, but the right thing, and there is a big payoff in the end. I will hang onto that.
Blessings, Lou
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
((((((Lou)))))))) You've worked so hard and I know what you mean about having that feeling of walking uphill. I also understand that little part of you that still wants to control the situation and keep the gf out. (For me it would be hard NOT to feel that way.)
It sounds like there's a big elephant in the room at home and nobody is talking about it. I fully understand, respect, and support your desire to keep the children out of this mess so that their relationship with their dad remains intact. But if the children KNOW there's an elephant in the room, then it probably is a little disconcerting why none of the adults are talking about it. Can you find a way to address the situation while not making their dad the "bad guy"? I don't know how old your children are, so I don't know how much information they need. I've always worked very hard to not taint the relationship between my son and his dad (not the A in my life). Regardless of the crap we went through, I didn't share it with my son, only told him that we didn't see eye to eye on some things, but we were handling that and it wasn't something he needed to concern himself with. We tried to limit our "outbursts" to times when he wasn't at home. A therapist told me years ago to allow my child to have his own relationship with his dad (good, bad, or otherwise). It wasn't my business. That was the best advice she could have given me. Children get a real "feel" for their parents - they know the kind of people we are. We don't need to "help" them, or paint some false picture. Just let your children figure their dad out. And they will.
In the meantime - keep doing what you're doing. As hard as it certainly must be. You're an inspiration.
THe part that scares me the most is "we don't talk about feelings much in our house" and "my son knows but we don't talk about it" I live with a guy who grew up not talking about feelings and thinking Lies were just a part of how you cope. Because not talking about feelings with family leads to lies. In my mind you only lie to those you hate and really you never do that (extream expectations)- so we are a heck of a mix.... Anyway don't know what to say except: is what is going on worth your children struggleing with relationships the rest of their lives?
Maybe some AH/ alanon aware counseling for your kids? I say that because I tried counseling with a great smart experienced counselor that was unaware or not skilled in AH issues and it was a circle - good info but couldn't really help.
So please don't do this to your children-talk even if it means saying "I don't know what to do but I love you and care about your feelings and we will be okay together!".
There I go giving advise again, please only consider it, I could be all wrong and don't want to guide you wrong. Only saying I live with a wonderful guy who can't talk about feelings and it hurts him and me so much! Please give your kids something different!!
My kids don't say much about anything either. We just do not talk about the fact that their father lives 3 blocks away and doesn't want to see them. I had the third party lady tell me over and over again that it is a good thing that we (the kids and I) do not discuss their father at all. If they come to me with questions, answer them. Do not lie to them and try to not let on your feelings. Easier said than done I will tell you! And there is this part of me that wants to sit them down and tell them every nasty detail. They are my family and it is hard to keep my hurt and my pain totally to myself. And to allow them to deal with all this crap exactly how they want to. I have a cousin who was all over her kids all the time about their feelings and thoughts about the divorce, the dad's new GF, her own new BF and I remember thinking "dang, get off their backs!" I know I do not want to constantly feel and be reminded of my feelings. Sometimes I need a break! So do kids.
I have come to think the biggest thing is that the kids know that none of this is their fault, and it is totally ok for them to hate/love their dad and that he is very sick (although it doesn't look like it from the outside).
Every family is different. There is no magic "if I do this right then my kids will be happy". This is part of their story and you can't write it for them. They really do have their own lives. LOL! When I was talking to my 13 yr old about the article and her father and how her sister was having a hard time with it and all and reassuring her and blah blah blah she responded with " Ok, now for something as equally hard to talk about.....can Tom, my friend from another school come over on Saturady to our house? He's really nice and his mom said yes and we will........etc" Here I am all worried that their lives are being wrecked like mine has been and really, they are way healthier than I give them credit for. Just because I am devestated and broken does not mean that they are too.
You are doing the absolute best you can. It is hard letting go and it takes time. You are not "doing damage" you are living life and so are your kids. You need to do what you feel comfortable doing. That's it. Every family is different, every child is different. You are their mom and you will do and say what is best for them. I now you will and you know you will. Try not to lie to them, or talk bad about their father. That is the hardest for me because I hate him and the way he is treating my kids. And I want them to know that I hate how he is treating them and it is not at all right. But I can't go there. It would hurt them and I refuse to be the one who hurts the kids. I am the one who loves them.
I don't know how you can handle the GF working there. The disrespect to you, the lack of thought or love for you on his part. The freaking nerve. I swear. But I am in a very similar situation with the ex and his GF owning a business right down the street.....oh, I can't even go there. I am sending you love and prayers and much strength because you are going to need it. The thing is if my ex were living under a bridge that would be way more tolerable.
P.S. how about alateen? Drag them if you have to. Force them a few times if they do not want to go. If they continue to protest then ok. But as an alateen sponser I have seen so many kids forced thru the door only to find the friendship and understanding that we all crave. It is a safe place for them. My oldest loves it. And you might want to start taking them to alanon meetings with you. Just having them sit quietly in the corner with a nintendo. The ESH that they will hear will help them and it might either be an opening for them to ask questions of you or they might hear the answers to questions they have but don't want to ask you directly. Just some things that have helped with me and my kids and our lack of communication about feelings
Part of raising kids to be healthy adults, I think, is to let them see that sometimes life just sucks. And we fix what we can, and pick up the pieces that can be picked up, and go on.
I agree 100% with letting the kids have their own relationship with their dad - you don't have to bad mouth him, but you don't have to lie for him either.
From here, it looks like some of what is causing you pain is old resentment and anger. For me, it was the "it's a disease" thing that helped me get past that. Once I really accepted that most of what was happening was due to the fact that there was something wrong with him (as opposed to him just being a jerk) I was able, first, to say "No" to the unacceptable behaviour, and, second, not hate him for it. It's OK if he isn't punished for what he has done, if you never get revenge or justice. What you need is freedom from the chaos, and protection from the consequences of his choices. If, once the dust has settled, you BOTH end up happy and healthy, that would be the best outcome.
I might be misreading the situation; if so, ignore all that!
Deep breath, first things first and one thing at a time or one moment/day at a time. Just reading about all that is going on for you at the same time makes my head spin so no wonder you feel scared. But you answered yourself better than anyone could "even though I know much of my fear is based on prediction and what could/will be, not fact." Your awareness of this is no small potatoes!!
I don't have a clue either about the house business finance stuff but worth checking into your sis in law's idea about splitting house & business - might not help the business but could help you & the kids a lot. You are making a lot of decisions and sound like you feel good about the direction you are going so not getting into making all the decisions at once will keep you on your journey - one step at a time. I like the thought that HP is with me on this journey and try to remember to find quiet time to listen to the guidance from with in. It is easier said than done to find quiet when we live in chaos of our home or mind even. Quieting my mind can be quite a task for me.
I was so sorry to hear about your office mgr and I hear how concerned you are - I would feel the same way about the gf. The detachment tools remind me that somethings could be hp's plan to help him hit a new type (ie some of the behaviors that go hand in hand with A) of bottom sooner? That hope keeps me out of trying to fix my AH's side of the road anyway.
I am with R3 regarding addressing the elephant in the room. The kids pick up on so much and I too am just about ready to try and get my teen to alateen - the grades, homework not handed in and some lies now too. I need to share more with my younger ones and one of my older ones stated what R3 posted, don't blame it on dad or make dad the bad guy because I, the mom was sick too.
That was hard at first to hear but yet my older two were ahead of me and now I keep seeing my part in it too. Codependent No More by Melody Beattie was loaned to me recently........ an eye opener for me.
I like how you write - and you find hope at the end to hang on to for now. That's all we can do and I will hope that all this hard work we all put forth for our own recovery will let us become strong, happy and see all the gifts the experience gives us like your prior office mgr. Could be hp had her there this long just for you, sounds like you have some good support around you. Thanks for sharing this hope with us!
blessings, ddub
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"Choices are the hinges of destiny." Pythagoras You can't change the past, but you can change the future.
((((hugs))))) Just thought I'd get that to your first and then my ESH. Here is what I found as an Adolescent Behavioral Health Therapist, Alateen sponsor, School facilitator and as the sponsor of a person who pretty much is in the same mold today.
Listen first. As an adult I was under the impression that I and I only had the truth about anything and the right impression on every thing and person. That's just not a fact. Children have thoughts, feelings, emotions and a spirit also. These things may not be as experienced as mine but they do have it all just like me and I have the time to share from the past to the present. When I admitted that I wasn't such a smart adult by getting myself into scrapes and the like it was humbling and some of the feedback from my teens was very helpful to me...first I had to listen. I had to be humble in front of them and expose it by saying at times, "I'm having trouble with something you guys, can you give me your feedback on it or your experience?" and then listen deeply. I learn how they thought and saw and felt and then I could relate it to my experiences. I didn't critique their feedback and never ever told them they were wrong about something. It was their own impression and they needed to have their own...then I would add mine by saying "and" rather than "but". With that we could all be in the same boat at the same time. I got rid of the fear of saying, "I don't know" or "I can't relate can you tell me more." I didn't want to be responsible over them I wanted to be responsible with them and to them. Huge difference with better consequences for us all.
I had to be genuinely honest because I found out that others, especially young people could see right through and facade I was trying to use to getting what I wanted or manipulating them to my side. My teachers, sponsors and counselors taught me about congruency...that's where my head (thoughts) my mouth, my emotions and my feet are all in the same space. I am walking my talk honestly and with humility and compassion. Anything other might end up damaging them even more than the sick person could. Deep, uncritical, permissive listening builds trust and if there is one thing the youngsters want that is to trust.
Get yourself straight and let the kids watch it happen. They know what is going on and they need to see a survivor while it is going on so they can follow themselves. They see, they hear, they feel, they know...ask them how they see the picture and clear you own mind of preconcieved notions.
I talk to my kids about the highlights or I should say the lowlights because there really are no highlights, such as... dad's in jail again. I usually don't talk negatively about him at all anymore, in the beginning that might have been different. My oldest daughter had a very different relationship with him than the other two, she was his scapegoat. I try to tell her it's not ok for her to badmouth him in front of the others. As more time goes on, we talk about him less and less. I can't even really remember the last time we talked about him. Even when I took the other two to see him all that was said was that she wasn't going and I said that was fine we'd do something else and we did. I insisted she be polite or at least not be purposefully rude during the couple of minutes that she was in the car in his presence when we picked them up. She had all kinds of rude things in mind to say...13 and all... Unfortunately he's only about that age mentally too. She behaved.
As for tossing everything to the wind and seeing how it all ends up I must say that it is liberating.
I know it's scary at first, I was scared to death when I moved out. I was absolutely sure that there was no way I could make it with 3 kids. He made 2/3 of the income and it was just GONE. It was strange how month by month things just worked out, money appeared when I needed it. An insurance payment from him damaging a vehicle, the sale of our house (which got me about $700 once I gave him his half), mom sending money out of the blue, etc. etc. Somehow 20 months have passed and I still manage to get by every month! I might even venture to say thrive. Sure my credit is trashed and will be for the next six years. Sure I have to pay extra deposits when renting and getting services now. There are downsides, but the upside is SO worth it. I don't ever have to wonder where he is, go looking for him, wonder how much he'll rack up on the credit card this time, make excuses for him, wonder what really happened to the truck, worry about him losing his job, listen to his BS excuses, hear/watch him be mean to the kids (that's my job now:). My days of waiting for the other shoe to drop are over! Thank GOD!!!
I just filed for divorce last week. Now granted all the bad stuff that was going to happen has happened already. Don't give up on yourself, sure a bankruptcy is awful, but in seven years it's gone and you get a clean slate. Living with an A can go on and on and on forever. For me it is well worth the tradeoff! I don't have bankruptcy but I am judgment proof, got nothing that I actually own to take. We still have a good life. From what you said, it sounds like he is not putting the best interest of the business and thus You and the kids as his top priority right now. I think you are doing the right thing by trying to cut your losses now. You have been waiting for him to step up and get the business in order and thinking things will get better and by doing things the way he wants... ie holding off on the divorce, waiting for business to pick up you are helping yourself. The problem with that is that it can go the other direction as well and from what you said it seems like that might be the case.
Well if you have substantial assets I dont' think you necessarily need to leave with nothing. I did and I regret it some days. I could have negotiated for more. I tried the legal means of getting stuff and just gave up because I was exhausted. If you can get an able ally in a divorce attorney or a mediator it helps. I wish I had put that in my plan b. Hindsight is always 20/20. I also wish I had got my name off the joint tenancy. Now I would be loath to put my name on joint anything.
I am rebuilding but like CG I will be years in doing it. My credit is ruined. Nevertheless I do not regret going.
