The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
When I first met my Husband, I looked into his eyes and knew that I wasnt supposed to be anywhere but right here. I felt that way for a long time, like our love, and our love alone could conquer anything. Slowly his drinking became heavier (or that I knew of anyway), I began to grow and realize what was really important to me out of my partner......his actions, and what I realized I needed were not matching up. I began to see through what used to be the fog of this powerful love that we had. I tried everything that you're not supposed to try, tellin him that if he loved me he would quit, I poored every drop of alcohol out, I made threats I wasnt ready to back up, all in hopes that sobriety wouldnt be too big of a request if it meant making me happy......for a long time I blamed myself, was angry, was hurt, resentful, but mostly sad. I was sad because I could literally feel that once unimaginable love that I once felt every time I looked into his eyes slipping out of my heart. Things would sometimes take a turn for the better, I would feel that love start to come back, and then, you guessed it more disappointment. Everytime harder to bounce back from. My A has been sober for 17 days. Im scared to get my hopes up that its for good this time. Mostly Im scared that my love will never grow to be what it once was. Im scared that its just been too much to come back from. So thats it, my queston is.....can and does love grow back?
What a burning question. I think love can grow back, stronger than ever, more clear than ever!! I also know that for me I am beginning to understand that there is hope of me being so okay with myself and where I am right now, no matter if my A is drinking or not. There is hope of being so very happy no matter if he is drinking or not and hope of love. Alanon is showing me the way to that type of peace. I also may have to make some decisions some day, can I watch someone I love slowly kill themselves and spen the good years of my life left doing so?, maybe...- but I will not think that now. Not until I am confident I have looked at me, my ideas about me and how I am responsible for the good and bad in my life-with or without a drinking spouse. By the way mine is still drinking right now-but I love him more everyday especially now that I understand more about what is going on in our lives. Alanon has given me people who know what I am dealing with who have more experience than I do. A new way of looking at my life in general. The idea of being able to be truely happy- the kind of happy you feel when "in love" at first, the sparkle and excitement-just because I know me better, because I am learning more about my HP-not the religious God, well yes the same God I grew up with but a more real true view of him without all the "man made judgements and guilt". For me it is an huge statement to say the my spouse could leave me today, say he never loved me anyway, hook up with someone else or whatever and I would be disappointed but would still have my joy! God is good, if your not in face to face meetings please find one and give it several tries before you make up your mind. If it doesn't seem right or a fit due to culture or type of people there find another one (one I attend is more "blue collar", one is most rich ladies who never worked etc. I LOVE BOTH! am accepted in both) because alanon has also encouraged me to seperate personalities from ideas-opportunties for growth and learning from other people.- Try them many times before giving up- your alternative is to struggle and feel the desperation you feel now. For example: One lady said some really good things to help me but at first because she had a dogmatic way about her-just the way she spoke. I was kinda angry and thought she was actilng superior- and had no idea my pain, without understanding- then I put into practice the ideas ie homework she suggested and it relieved me of some past pain I had been obsessing about-still think she sounds bossy and I love her so much!! I discovered there are things I have done in all my life (even before getting with my drinking spouse that have greatly messed up my life and I discovered I can change and find JOY! I wish the same for you. Please forgive me if you are in program already and I misread your post!!!! I am so "glad, thankful and happy about alanon" I sometimes can't wait to share it with others. God bless you for who you are right now!!! My love as someone who feels what you are going through, or similar pain!!
I think love changes as we grow and change in our recovery. The dynamics of a sober relationship vs. an active one are different. If your husband's sobriety sticks (and I hope it does) he will be changing. As you work on your recovery, you will change. So the love will change. AH and I have always loved each other. Even when I asked him to leave several years ago it didn't mean that I didn't that I didn't love him. It meant at that place and time I had to do what was best for me. I absolutely do believe that love can and does survives addiction. It depends on the people involved. But it certainly can continue. Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Wishing, I agree with the others that love can survive addiction, but it depends on the relationship. When my A and I split up years ago, I was devastated. I was hurt, angry, sad, hopeless, frustrated and miserable. His alcoholism had taken something very sacred to me, and stomped it into dust. I didn't think I could or would ever get over it. And it took some time. It was months (years?) before I could even bring myself to pray for him (which is huge for me). I couldn't even ask HP to look out for him. And he was the one that I had loved more than anyone in the world (except for my child).
Once I began praying for him again, I began to lose the anger. Slowly. I hadn't forgotten about what he did, but I began to soften a bit. The anger was killing me. The hurt was killing me. But once the anger and hurt and bitterness had died back some, I started to realize that the love was still there underneath it all.
Now years later, we are in the process of talking about the possibility of reconciling. It is scaring the hell out of me and I don't know where we'll end up right now - but I do know that love can survive. I think making it work with an active A is a special challenge - but like Glad and Karilynn pointed out - it can work if you're working a program.
There's no guarantee of an A's continued sobriety. I don't think any of us can pin any hopes on that. Be grateful for the sober time. But try not to let a slip pull the rug out from under your world. (hey that's so easy for me to say) Detach, detach, detach.
I have no personal ESH to share... our divorce was final last month. But, when I think of your question, Does Love Grow Back? I think of how this program of recovery began...when they realized that if God couldn't fix it, nothing could. There it is in a nutshell.
In reading your question, I am also reminded that God IS love. So, to me... if both partners are "with" God, anything is possible. Anything.
Unfortunately (???)....I am powerless.... I couldn't MAKE my AH get with God.
I am learning to pray with my hands open....letting God take from me what must be taken, and letting Him bring to me what is best.
Love, gladlee
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
Yes. I believe it does. Just as with any wound that festers, bleeds or gets infected, you have to take care of it to heal. That means you work on you and the other person works on themselves as well. If you don't care for yourself, how can love 'grow back?'
I have the same thoughts as you do with love...but I have to remember that the feelings that I have for my AH---the little things at the beginning of our relationship...the smallest touch...the sweetest gesture---that is what I keep in my heart to remind me of my love for him. This battle that he fights, this drinking, this hiding from his demons...this isn't the man that I fell in love with. But with my Alanon program under my belt and the keepsakes from our love, I still fight and know that the love we have and hold together is there.
I've told my husband, that you have to fight for what you want in life. And even if all you have is a toothpick for a sword, you fight those demons of yours. And if he wants to and pushes himself and fights for his own self, then he does it for him. That doesn't change my love for him....but it makes me proud of him.
Love is all around us and we each express it differently. Pain, guilt, anger, sadness---that can affect love. Choosing how it affects your love is a choice. Every relationship has it's suffering....and growing.
Standing with my own toothpick... Just For Now
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Keep love in your heart. A life without it is like a sunless garden when the flowers are dead.
I have to try and believe that it does, but I'm in that place right now where I'm trying to establish that I'm going to be okay no matter what choices my AH makes in his life.
Instead of basing my ability to love my AH on his actions and choices, I'm taking control of that love and choosing to learn to love him despite what may go on.
I don't know if that makes any sense at all.
Maybe I think I'm saying I don't require that my AH shows me love in order for me to love him.
This does NOT make me a door-mat, either.
I heard something great at my friday meeting, though - it was something like "Trust God, love others."
My biggest hurdle with my AH is trying to trust him again - and that's what sometimes makes me want to "protect myself" by not loving him anymore, because of the lies I've caught him in.
But when I heard "Trust God, love others." that really flicked a light switch in my head.
If there is one being I know I can trust, it's my HP. For me, my HP is the epitome of perfection, and thus, trustworthy. The rest of us humans are prone to mistakes, which makes us prone to disappointing others and even doing things that can break others trust in us.
But I can love everyone. Love doesn't necessarily swing upon trust. It doesn't HAVE to. Parents can still love their adolescent children after they've caught them lying to them (what kid hasn't ever lied to their parents?). If love was based on trust alone, then you'd think those parents would stop loving their kids the moment they caught them in a lie.
But it doesn't work that way.
You can still love a chronic liar and not have it be unhealthy for you - it's where setting and knowing your boundaries keeps you protected in your love of a person, I think.
