The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Ok here's my situation... I've known this man, not my A (actually he's not an A at all), I've known him for about 17 years...over half of my life...he and I've been in and out of relationships with each other the entire time we've known each other. He IS my best friend and I'm his. My problem is this: he wants to try be with me again. He wants us to have a relationship again. Providing Michael and I don't work things out. And since he's told me this this afternoon, I've been thinking about it. I've been thinking about the situation Michael and I are in. I don't know if we'll ever live together agian. I don't know if there is even a possibility of that. I don't know what has been going on in his head because one time when I asked him, he didn't know. I haven't asked agian. I don't want to push him further away. I decided that IF and when he was ready to talk to me about anything, it would be in HIS time, not mine. But, now that I've talked to my friend, I don't know if waiting around for Michael to make up his mind is the right thing for me to do. I know what to expect with my friend. He drinks, yes, but he doesn't have a problem with it. IF he has a drink, it's because he has a taste at that moment for it, his way of life is not based around getting to that drink, like Michael's was. He doesn't struggle with thoughts in his head that are messed up like Michael does. He has always respected me and my family and the fact that I have a family. We've had ONE fight in the 17 years we've known eachother and that was 14 years ago when I cheated on him with my oldest child's father. Through everything we've put eachother through over the past years, we still love eachother, care about eachother, and respect eachother. When I think about breaking up with Michael and starting a life with him, I don't get upset about the fact of Michael not being in my life. I don't get upset at the prospect of hurting Michael. It's not that I don't care about his feelings, I think it's because I care about mine more for a change. WOW!!! That just came to me as I was typing. I care about MY feelings more than Michael's!! Which is the way it should be. yes?
My suggestion.... Run step 11 through your head--in prayerfilled thoughts--and meditate before any big desisions. Maybe through this, step 12 with give you an answer.
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Keep love in your heart. A life without it is like a sunless garden when the flowers are dead.
J, my ESH is that its never a good idea to "jump" from one relationship to another regardless of whether its your "best friend" or not. If you decide to not "wait" for M, take some time to just be with yourself for awhile before leaping into anything new, even if its with someone you know well.
I used to jump all the time. Never put any down time in between. Why? When I asked myself this question I could see that I was afraid to be alone, to make enough money alone to support myself alone, etc. I know for me, it was not healthy to just dump one person and go dive into another person. I was hiding from myself by doing that. This is only my perspective, take what you like and leave the rest.
I just think "what's the rush?" and what kind of game is going on? What is the pressure about and where is it coming from exactly? Why do you need to decide now? Where are your boundaries? Can you articulate your boundaries? Do you know what you want? Hugs, J.
One thing you have been talking about here quite a lot is that you need time and space to get better, to get your life in order, to become a fit parent, etc - to work the program, in short. All of this is difficult, it requires courage and hard work. One thing I'd be asking myself, in your place, is if the attraction to this guy, right now, is a distraction that I'm grabbing onto, in order to avoid the hard work laying ahead of me.
For me, it's always a struggle, to tell when I am reaching out and enjoying the good things in life, and when I am taking the easy way out, as a way to avoid necessary hard work. I'm not really sure if I know a good way to tell the difference, but it's an important question to ask.
Jennifer - I love the ESH you've been given on this. I've found that only by being with myself (for a long stretch) have I been able to get on my feet. There's a strength in going it alone. You are forced to make the tough decisions alone, pick your own self up after a fall, endure some loneliness (thus making yourself realize that you CAN).......just lots of things. And when you do that - truly do that - one day you'll wake up feeling much stronger and capable of handling your life. If this guy is your best friend and he's been around for 17 years, then he'll be around a few more months while you handle some things in your life that you've been working on. He can offer support or whatever (as any friend would), but to complicate it at this moment by jumping into an intimate relationship, would probably distract you from your tasks at hand.
I don't know!!l I am not a good "realationship esh" cuz I don't do mine well. Tend to get with one and stay and stay and stay, even if there are issues... However ideally I would think if your "friend" really likes you that much he will be there for you when you have more time to determine what you need to do. See I don't understand being "friends" with an ex whiile in a relationship with someone else but that is just me, and in the past I have had no understanding of balance and detachment when it come to sig. other. So bottom line I would say why run the risk of messing up "old friend" relationship by jumping too soon. Stay with yourself until you get your head about you. But if I may run the risk of going too far sounds like to me some decision of NOT making Michael your "sig. other" in your head, in order to be just you for a while might be good? YOu could still see him just not plan your life around being with him in the future and be just you and not base it on the other guy either??? But I stink at relationships so just "food for thought".
My ESH is that I am a relationship/romance addict so going into any relationship is "huge" for me. Not huge in the terms of I plan the wedding day one but huge in the fact that I have almost destroyed myself with this stuff.
About the only way I could get through a break up was to hook up with someone else. I had huge huge abandonment issues. I also felt like I needed a relationship to be "whole" to be "rescued" and to be a person.
When I meet men now I am really not sure what I need. I don't know what criteria to put on a relationship. I listen pretty hard to what they say, look at my needs and generally let go. I know as I improve and am able to detach and look at my issues my expectations change. I'm no longer prepared to sacrifice huge chunks of myself for a relationship. I'm also no longer prepared to be the sole "giver".
I do know abandonment feelings almost slayed me. I can rationalize any of the a's behaviors in order to try to escape abandonment. I also am pretty fixed on that I want a "relationship" rather than a friendship. I pretty rarely am friends first with a man, if I am I do a lot to sabatage it.
For me its all about awareness. I feel lost without a relationship and I feel pretty upset in one (obsessing, grieving, raging). I've had to do a lot of inventory taking to look at these issues. The work of Pia Melody, Melody Beattie, Ann Wilson Schaeff has helped.
