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Why is it that all the big and nasties come out in verbal argument when you really don't mean for it to? Something like out of a novel, where you turn the page and the evil 'deed' pops out in the book.
My AH has a severe control issue...and has throughout our entire relationship. And I am not placing the control bundle all in his lap--for I am an owner of this control package myself; but of course I think it is of a lesser ordeal.
Anyhow, the argument began--and to be truthful about it, I really don't recall what it was about. All I really remember is that I was done with the conversation/argument (because and A is never wrong) so I began to 'drop' the issue as best to my know-how.
Then, like something out of a black, dense fog, I hear myself saying "Get away, get away!! Move away, walk away---this is NOT going to get better by coming to blows...back away!!" But my body was separated actual mind connections. One really freaky fog of "GET THE HELL OUT OF MY FACE!!!"
So I announce, and I'm quite honest in saying not so nicely, that I'm done, and to get out of my face...to back off....to quit nagging...etc.
YEAH....probably could have been handled better; could have been talked sweeter; could have and should have---and now I have to live with the hurt words and mean expressions and hurt feelings on both sides.
I tend to wish away problems, instead of dealing with. And my AH tends to be OVERLY emotional and sensitive to whatever----so in contrast it is like oil and water. One never will mix. Add on the control factor, and you have an instant disaster.
123....abc...ccc...123...abc...ccc
He ended up leaving the house after I added on a 'hissy fit,' and upon his return had a six pack of nonsense to feed his 'black hole.'
Me? What of me?? I am tired of feeling like the Fool. Like the doll of the outfit....ragged and incomplete. I have alot of anger that I hold in....and do realize this is a big NoNo. <<<sigh>>>
I get so damn tired of this drinking to 'meet his needs.' Drinking to 'end his pain.' Drinking for the hell of it. It is a demon that I completely dispise.
Sunday is our second anniversary, and I'm sick of feeling 'left out.' Bitter of being 'second place.' Angry that drinking or some other obsession of his is more important than me or the kids.
Just as he is sick from A, I am sick. Keep on pushin', eh? Lots of work, work, work for me.
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Keep love in your heart. A life without it is like a sunless garden when the flowers are dead.
Have you got f2f meetings that you can attend? It seems to me that you need to go to as many as you are able, especially right now. Can you call an al-anon friend? Can you hold on and call your higher power to stop you in your tracks at times like these, just to give you breathing space? Can you walk away, take time out at that moment?
You are saying nothing new. Anger is a part of all of this, reaching your flash point is not something that only you do. However, focusing on YOU is a must at this point.
Just as the A is sick, you are too. Sick, sick, sick and angry and sore and let down, and much much more.
One step at a time, one day at a time. You will never beat the drink for being first place in your AH's life. That is the fact of the matter. You will always be second place, it is the nature of the disease. The disease eats away at the priorities, and it becomes the No 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, and so on, such is the nature of the beast.
Now is the time for YOU to put YOU in No 1 place and only YOU CAN DO THIS. You need to address your programme, your sickness, your management of that anger.
Your first need, as I see it, is to realise that it is not possible for your AH to put you in the No 1 place that you desire for you and your children.
Step one - Admitted we were powerless.... and right now you are powerless to change the hold on your AH that alcohol has. However you are NOT powerless over the anger, the pain, the let down and the bitterness you feel. It is within your power to change those things in you that are destroying your serenity.
When you come to that realisation, and acknowledge that you have to accept some things cannot be changed by you, you will begin to acknowledge that you DO have the power to change you and some of the things in you to find serenity, and health.
I am praying for you to find:
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
Page 167 of Courage to Change says this - "Many have fallen by the edge of the sword, but more have fallen by the tongue......" It also goes on to say, ".....If I could see myself uttering these verbal assaults I would not be proud of the picture. So why do it?....." You know the answer to that.
Again, I quote from that same page - "...Sometimes I feel helpless and angry. When that happens, I might try calling an Al-Anon friend or going to a meeting where I can get some perspective..."
I urge you, call a friend and don't let that anger over take you. However, remember why. You are not the first, and you will not be the last so don't beat yourself up...just take a step back, hold on the thought and stop before you shout...not easy though not impossible. Call on your higher power at that time .
I may be a long way away, across an ocean, but I am right with you in caring about you.
Suzannah
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Out of the ruin of my past I have found the fortress of myself and I know how to defend it.
Strive for WISDOM; Seek SERENITY; NEVER compromise your INTEGRITY.
Where I am, there are only two weekly meetings. One of those days I work (Sunday) and the other (Tuesday) meeting I don't have access to now that I am sharing a vehicle and H works nights--no babysitter, no transportation.
Last year, I attended the Tuesday meetings, then stopped. Thought that I could work my program. WRONG!
So currently, I attend online meetings through here and post and read.
I realize my anger and the way that I vented was not healthy for me, or for my AH. And in NO WAY is my reaction excuseable. But, when I ask for him to leave, or when I turn to walk away, I'm either hiding something from him, being too secreative, or "putting up a wall." It is SOOO aggrivating!?!?!?!
Your mentioned a page in Courage to Change that I read last night. Viper tongue disease....that is what I suffer from. Born with really. I need a cure to fix that. Inner peace and serenity seem far off. But I really am trying.
Thanks for your love and support. Lord knows I am of need.
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Keep love in your heart. A life without it is like a sunless garden when the flowers are dead.
I found it amazing that you posted when you did. I had an issue with anger and I have been spending quite some time on it recently. Just posted about it and feel released.
JFN - you know, I cannot get to f2f and wish I could offer more than this but I am transatlantic and so it would be hard to call you. I work from this forum and this family...it is not ideal however it is not impossible.
Really love you for your honesty...just keep on trying...that is all you can do...if it helps just think of this family before you lose it...you are doing well...keep on coming back and VENT AND VENT AND VENT.
I relate to the brick walls, the 'hiding things', the secretiveness and the barriers.
Perhaps you could try to say something like..."I am going to walk away now before I say something I might regret...time out...that is what I am taking" and then leave the room.
You can do it in your HP's power if not your own power, truly.
Suzannah
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Out of the ruin of my past I have found the fortress of myself and I know how to defend it.
Strive for WISDOM; Seek SERENITY; NEVER compromise your INTEGRITY.
Just so you know, I take time outs all the time from my kids. I lock myself in my bedroom or in my computer room. My kids hate it, but it is the best solution for me because often I know I will blow if I don't, and that would not be good.
Blessings, Lou
-- Edited by Loupiness at 23:13, 2008-04-05
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
