(((((((((((Guys))))))))))

A few days ago i  took a huge gamble in  putting  my life story on show for everyone to see. I had considered this very carefully, i would be putting my family in the light, should i do that, did i have the right to do that. As usual  i followed my gut instinct and went along with it.  My reason for doing this was to make others aware, they do not have to suffer alone. If my story helped one person, to realise they are in an abusive situation, and encourage them to seek help then it was worth it. Something has happened to me since i posted it. I am feeling "elated" Free", Happy". I feel like a huge burden has been lifted from my shoulders. I am amazing myself  by my happiness today.

For the last two years i have been searching for a man in my life. For one purpose, to make me happy, complete and whole. I have lived with a "void" in my life for so long, trying to fill it with everything, cars, clothes, material things, and i imagined a man would fill that for me. I was wrong. I have came through a painful time the last two years, one heartache  after another with men. I wanted something, they did not, i blamed them, they hurt me, i resented them, hated them, reacted in a horrible manner and attacked them verbally, because its all i ever learned how to do.

I have been looking back at these encounters. I now see what they were really about. And the answer was sex. I was looking for something these men could not offer me. Affection, closeness, love. When i did not get it, i felt hurt, rejected and most of all like there was something wrong with me, i was not good enough for them. They were not ready for me, in the same way i was not ready for them. I have memories good and bad. But more importantly i have "let go", i no longer hold resentments towards them. I wish them happiness in their lives always.

Happiness for me was always something someone could give me, they could make me happy. Thats just not true. Happiness is an inside job, i have to find it within myself. To know myself, my strengths and my weaknesses.  Accept myself and love myself unconditionally. And only when i can do that can i allow someone else to love me.

A friend told me that everyone that comes into our lives, comes in for  a purpose, short or long term, they make our life what it is, and he was right, he has influenced my thinking this week. He will never know how much he has helped me on the right path, in the journey i needed to take. (Aide thank you),,

Friends come and go in your life also. I have driven friends out of mine in the past, because i was stubborn, Insecure and held resentments.  There is someone in my life today  and i have almost done the same thing with him recently, Thankfully in time i caught myself reacting and held back from doing that. We have a very special bond between us. Sometimes i wonder why he puts up with me.  He is going through his own journey  right now and i have assured him i will be there at his side, whenever night or day. This is also new to me. Am i capable of being the "friend" he needs. I think i am, and i know he is vunerable and frightened right now. And i will never take advantage of that. I am finding tremendous strength from within right now and if need be i will find the strength for the both of us. I wont smother him, wont feel sorry for him, because he doesnt like that. I will just be myself, allow him to be himself and be avaliable whenever he needs a friend. Let him know i care, without placing him under any more pressure than he needs. He is like me a survivor, a fighter and this will be no different for him, he has the courage and determination to come through this and become stronger from the experience, i have every belief in him, even if he hasnt right now .

I feel as if i have been reborn in many ways. Something happened last week that i found amusing. I was brought up a catholic, i no longer practice but i love the verses and poems. I was in a holy shop in the city, with my mother and my nephew, he is eighteen years old.. An elderly lady came into the shop to buy a small prayer booklet. She had a twenty pound note, and the cashier had no change. She said she would return later in the day. Before i knew what was happening, i had offered to buy it for her. She looked at me and smiled and said no its alright, i said i really would like to.. Her smile got bigger and she agreed to let me buy her the book. She got it and i hugged her, it made me feel good and probly would remain with her that full day. I didnt know at the time my nephew was asking my mum what a saint was.. At that point my mum said to him.."Thats a saint over there" LOL I thought that was really funny....LOL Its all the small things we do for people that make us who we are.

My hope in life is to become the best person i can be. Try my best not to hurt anyone intentionally. I am not perfect i have major flaws and i will upset people in my life. To me today i have one life. Every morning i can ask myself, will today be a good day, or a bad day. Well, thats my choice and only mine. Life is what we make it. To win it you have to be in the game. To be in the game you have to learn the rules to play it.

I have come a long and painful road to learn the rules but im well and truely in the game now. I might win, i might lose, but i wont ever give up....

What a feeling, beins believin
I cant have it all, now Im dancin for my life
Take your passion, and make it happen
Pictures come alive, you can dance right through your life (From flashdance)

Love your in recovery

Ally Girl