The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I need a 12-step program for dealing with some of the cruel people that I work with. It is so stressful to feel "under attack" by some of these people. My first reaction is a counter-attack (I lose my cool) and fight back. Then I feel horrible for stooping to their level.
I need so badly to apply my detachment skills in these situations, but I fail to do so many times. It is like the attacks come from nowhere and I am blind-sided. Then I become furious, lash out, and later feel embarassed for being sucked in yet again by someone else's apparent sickness. Ugh. So frustrating. I feel like, "Something must be wrong with me that this keeps happening."
There is nothing wrong with you! You are reacting to your buttons being pushed. That's pretty human. It took me years to learn how to Not React and still today, my mother can get me every single time. I still haven't figured out how to stay in my program with her! But the rest of the world, it comes more naturally now and I think it has just taken time and practice. You're getting there! You see yourself reacting and you don't like it and want to change it. I'll bet that's more than before! Huge step to be aware and to have the desire to change yourself is another huge step! Good job (((ESH)))) Wish I could give you the magic code that makes it all right but nobody will give it to me so.....if I find it I'll email it to you!!! LOL!!!! Don't I wish!
"Something must be wrong with me that this keeps happening."
I guess, in a way, something is. The reactions you learned through living with alcoholism, the things in you that got you involved with an A in the first place - these don't just affect your relationship with the A.
I don't really have the issues you describe (probably because I'm lucky enough not to be around too many cruel people) but, boy, do I ever see my isck behaviour in my workplace. Resentments, nose in other's business, obsession, avoidance of confrontation followed by outbursts when it all gets too much - it's all there.
This program doesn't reallly keep it from happening, but it does help me recognize it, and keep it under control. Instead of obsessing for weeks and making myself really unhappy, I obsess for 15 minutes, and then realize what I'm doing. It's the same tools, for sure.
The disease affects every aspect of our lives. That is whhy we are told to "practice these principles in all our affairs". What's wrong with you is the same as what's wrong with all of us. That's why we are here. LOL I am still finding areas of my life that I'm not good at working the steps and tools on. Just wasn't the focus up til now, I guess.
It gets better though. We didn't learn to detach from the A in a day or week. It takes time to get the hang of it every time we have t refocus our skills in a new direction. You really are doing good, even if it doesn't feel like it yet.
In recovery,
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~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
Progress, not perfection. I agree with serendipity. You are aware of what you would like to change, that shows growth. Yes time and practice will help. Please don't beat yourself up.
Yours in recovery, Mandy
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"We are not punished for our unforgiveness, we are punished by it" Jim Stovall
I had an instance yesterday when dealing with a rude customer over the phone where later after I got off the phone with him, I was thinking to myself, "How could I have applied Al-anon to that phone call?"
I couldn't quite figure it out, but now I got it after reading some of the posts here. I could have viewed him in the same way I view my AH when he's verbally attacking me. A sick person who's illness is using his mouth.
It's hard in a customer service position, too, because I have to sit there and listen to the guy berate my company and tell us we're idiots, when in the long run, it was really all HIS deal because he couldn't figure out how to use our product.
I told one co-worker after the phone call that this guy was so full of himself, he couldn't even see past his own nose to be able to actually use the product.
But the aggravating part of the whole conversation was that the guy took advantage as a customer in that he knows he can be as horrible and nasty as he feels over the phone because customer service representatives are not supposed to defend themselves. We're just supposed to sit there and kiss their butts while they spew their hatred all over us.
In any case, I never lashed out at the guy (not supposed to, ya know), but I did point out some obvious things to him, and when he finally "got it", he'd just say "Oh" and then move on to complain about something else.
But yeah - next time I get a call like that, I'm going to try to just view them as an alcoholic in the grips of their disease and all the nasty stuff that comes out of their mouths is really just out of their control. It'll allow me to not take personal offense at their behavior and thus allow me to not get all wound up about it after the phone call is done.
Instead of hanging up and going "Jeez that guy was a JERK!" I can just hang up, instead, and think to myself "Wow, that guy's really struggling with his disease." and leave it at that.
I can TRY to view it that way, at least.
I agree that it'll take practice and I'm not going to always nail it on the head.
"I choose peace". I don't have to be right, prove I'm right or even defend myself. I don't have to take on their pain.
I understand that people carry baggage through a lifetime, if they don't deal with it, it comes out every which way. There are those that allow their baggage and their hurts become who they are. It's part of the ego. Ego loves that drama and loves to add to it. It loves to draw others in too. It's always in a battle with our true inner self, our real spirit. When we choose peace, the inner spirit can shine and eventually that defensive, arrogant ego shrinks.
I love "I choose peace" as the best answer to cruel or radical people. To me that says to them, "you can accuse or attack however you want, but you get to keep all that anger all to yourself". It says it all in just 3 words that cannot be taken in any other way. It feels so much better then taking the bait.
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
My AH is a yeller, blamer and shamer. In addition, he refuses to allow me to leave his presence (he is a big guy). I would often curl up into a little ball on the floor with my fingers in my ears. When I finally got to a shelter, they told me that even though he never punched me in the face, this was still physical abuse (not allowing me to leave, taking my keys, etc).
I was going to kill him if I did not leave so I did.
When its all you hear, year after year, day in and day out, etc. it makes you nuts and it makes you really hate yourself, too. I now have a program. I will leave the room, hang up, do whatever I have to do, now. I am going back and all this ESH is good advice. I will fill my life with all kinds of goodness, good people, good food, positive vibes in all ways. This is what I have learned- I got family- al-anon people to call and spend time with. This is a good thing to "fill-up" on so that the horrible words have no room to get a toehold. Hugs, J.
