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I had forgot and piggy backed this question onto Norwood's post about resentments are a choice too - how true the more I think about it.
However, showing lower levels today of confidence, assertiveness and not worrying... (other days I do better & I am working on this) how do you deal with the "what others" do or say. Here's a good example on my mind right now.
AH's Parents are gathering with his siblings soon but I don't want to go. AH has not made any real relationships with my siblings or much depth even with his own. I have good reasons, I think, for not going as it is not enjoyable to see what has hurt my AH to begin with, nor how I am treated as a non blood relative by parents. Siblings are ok and I enjoy the individual get togethers just not the group functions.
I already visit my relatives on my own and AH comes along sometimes. I feel he will stop going to my relatives completely if I don't go to this gathering. The only time it is accepted for me not to go is when I was pg or had a newborn and then I wish AH would have stayed home with me.
I think? in a healthy family, marriad couples try to visit each others relatives together some, out of respect for each other. So how can we not have resentments but yet be disrespectful of spouse's wants or needs, whatever?
Anyone have some esh on this? thanks, ddub
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"Choices are the hinges of destiny." Pythagoras You can't change the past, but you can change the future.
My hub's family are almost all addicts. When his mom was alive I adored her. She was a lovely, beautful, joyful woman. She was also mentally ill. Sadly the family went downhill after she passed. His oldest brother is not an addict, but the rest of the family is. His third oldest brother I was always uncomfortable around. He made me feel icky, like I needed a shower whenever he was around me. My skin crawled whenever he touched me. (Come to find out my instincts were dead on about him)
After a few years of being with my hub, I just flat out told him that I didn't want to be around active addiciton, and I didn't want the kids around it as well. So if he wanted me to participate in a family gathering it was to be at our house where nothing was allowed to take place. All the other gatherings the kids and I would not go to. I said it stright forward and honest and as loving as possible.
There were no resentments. It was how I felt. He had more fun without me becuase he could do what he wanted to do and I wasn't there dragging him down. We stopped many a fight.
I didn't say hell no I won't go. I just stated what it was I felt and why I felt that way. He understood.
In the end you need to do what is best for you and the kids.
Take care of you.
Mandy
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"We are not punished for our unforgiveness, we are punished by it" Jim Stovall
I think we resent taking responsibility for something that is not ours. Example- If you go it will be to appease him(responsible for his feelings). If you don't go he may punish you by not going to see your family(his decision, not yours). So where is our responsibility in this? I think it is in making our choices understanding that it may not always work out the way we want it to just because we have done what is right. If you kindly tell him that you choose not to see his family in this particular type of situation and why, he may be reasonable or he may not. Now the ball is in his court and no longer your problem. If you decide to go, you may have a good time or you may be very uncomfortable or even miserable, but you know it going in, so it's nothing to be resentful about.
Reading back over this I think that one of the distortions in my thinking has been the thought that every decision that I make should have at least one option that I am comfortable with. In reality that is not always so. Sometimes I have to pick from several options that suck.LOL
I don't know if this rambling is helping you, but hey, at least I tried to make some sense.
In recovery,
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~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
We have big families on both sides. My parents and my AHsober's parents always got along well. But the families are different in how they gather and celebrate. My resentment is that my AHsober never left his family of origin and never tried to include me. So there I sit. He actually hangs with my family and mother way more than his. So now after being separated I rarely hear from his family. He still hangs with my family and goes to our gatherings. I can feel the resentment coming on. So I work real hard at letting go and saying he has a right to be there because it doesn't seem to bother anyone else but me. However, I need to confront my mother and say you treat him like a king and he is the one that left. What is the consequence of his behavior if he gets what he always had?
Anywho as far as his family, my compromise is to go, say hi to everyone, and leave some food at the table or a card and then leave. Try to keep my feelings at bay and just make a friendly gesture. I do this because I care about some of his family and they are my children's relatives.
Thank you all for giving me new ways to think about this. I grew up with large families where we could go visit for a few hours and drive home the same day. In this day and age when families live all over, it involves more than a days travel and overnights which makes a big difference too. I think that there are many creative ways I can go and not particapate all the time. Thanks for your ideas!! It's a big help. hugs, ddub
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"Choices are the hinges of destiny." Pythagoras You can't change the past, but you can change the future.
